We stayed outside until after night fall. It was hard to close the chapter on another day. So, we all lingered a little bit longer, watching the golden leaves shimmer on the semi-bare Oaks in the last minutes of sunlight.
It seems all the leaves are falling now, with even the slightest breeze. My backyard is blanketed in colors of reds and yellows, as a constant reminder the season is here to stay.
Nightfall comes earlier and earlier with each passing day. And, the days seem shorter than they ever have. Perhaps, it's not only the season, but because both of my children spend so many hours away from home now. When they're here, the hours are lost by homework, activities, and just getting ready for the next thing, then the next.
It leaves me short of breath and a feeling of emptiness -as though I am always missing something.
That something is, both of my children...
I wait for the time to read late into the mornings with our jammies still donned, or go on walks to examine earth's treasures. Time to explore and time to do nothing at all... When there was time for dance parties and time for sword fighting.
I sit alone and think of all the things I wish I could tell my children throughout the day... Something as little as, JoJo Siwa has a new song or Minecraft has a new update. Or something big like, they're reopening ToysRus!
But, there is only silence.
The silence takes a lot to get used to... But it seems, the hardest things take the longest to accept.
Sometimes, the silence is so quiet, it's deafening.
And what I'm left with, is the thought that nothing can prepare you for how short those earlier years truly are.
The years, when the days belong to us.
And just when it seems like they'll last forever, and you'll never make it a single day longer, they're gone.
They're gone faster than air leaving a balloon.
Diaper bags are replaced with backpacks.
Wobbly first steps are replaced with ballet.
Princess songs are replaced with Tweener pop songs.
Toys are replaced with video games.
Free time is replaced with activities.
Neediness is replaced with independence.
A baby/toddler is replaced by a little girl/boy...
...Children, who are free thinkers with big ideas and even bigger dreams...
My daughter is writing songs and creating stories. My son is drawing comic books and building worlds on Minecraft...
They're growing up quicker than I can breathe in. I try my hardest to hang onto these days with both fists clenched, not wanting to let go. But instead, the hours are passing at an alarming rate. I try to be present in every moment, but instead, I feel like I'm constantly planning a schedule and running from place to place.
I feel like I'm sometimes fumbling through my days, trying to fit everything in, and the time we do spend, isn't the quality of time that we're used to. We pass like ships in the night and I almost become robotic, calling out notations from an invisible list that needs completion...
The time isn't just ours anymore..
Sometimes, I feel like I am floating along, rising and falling in both of their wind...
So, I cling onto those cuddles longer than I should. I stay at 3 hour theatre practices and volunteer, so I am with my daughter. I take every school volunteer opportunity they offer, so I see both of my children throughout the day... I lay next to my almost sleeping children and hold their hands, while they drift to sleep. Sometimes, dinner isn't made by the time my husband arrives home, because my children are showing me cool things they did on Roblox and Minecraft... And bed time is usually pushed back, to read more stories or lay in my children's bed and talk about life.
I take the moments I can, when they're available...
Because, I know that as my children age, their demands change with them. They become less dependent on me, but more busy. And, as fast as those first few years passed, I'm sure in another few years, I'll be talking about how fast these current years flew by too...
Because, life continues to move along and doesn't wait up for anyone. So you have to grab onto the moments you have, live them to the best of your ability, and never half-ass any of it.
You'll never regret the moments you spend with family, you'll only regret the moments you didn't...
