New Year's Resolutions

When I think of what a New Year’s resolution entails, they are usually dieting, exercising, or trying to kick a bad habit of some kind. Even when I was a parent of one, I had a resolution to eat healthier –to stop eating Tasty Cakes cupcake like it was the end of the world, however, when I became a mother of two I now have much different resolutions for this year. Reclaiming my patience is being number one on the list.

When I had only one child, I was completely on top of my game. I was patient, understanding, and took every second to appreciate all the details. I never had to child proof anything in my house because my daughter and I would be with each other all the time. We would sit and play, or read books for hours –I didn’t have anywhere else to be, or anyone else to take care of. I would have all the time in the world to sit and listen to everything she had to say (and she says a lot).  I never used the phrase, “hold on,” I didn’t have to. I used my calm indoor voice at all times and never huffed when she did something wrong, I always followed with, “that’s ok, it was an accident” (which I still say, but I am guilty of huffing now and then).

I realized with two kids (at least during the first year), I am not one of those cookie cutter moms on pinterest doing something fun and creative every day –we stay home, a lot, and my daughter spends a lot of time on the computer playing Nickjr or Disneyjr. I’ve said it before, I’m horrible at mulit-tasking. I do it, but not gracefully. I lose my patience, get frazzled, cry, yell, huff, and shake my head -this is usually before breakfast is over. I often feel as if my days could be filmed and put on a comedy show. I say things I never thought I would hear come out of my mouth. Like, “please don’t run over your brother with your bike” (it’s crazy that needs to be stated).

Quantity of time doesn’t really exist –I’m constantly moving from one place to another. My son only takes about a 1.5 hour nap and I try to get as much done as I can during that time. This is the time where my daughter and I will do a craft, read, or play something pretend. But then I see the disappointment on her face when we hear my son crying when he’s awake –because that usually means the chaos is about the resume. Then I’m back into the routine of chasing after my son and stating repetitious things like “don’t touch that or don’t eat that,” answering my daughter’s 500 questions while making a meal, and picking up the aftermath from both of my tiny tornadoes so there is a pathway to walk.

We took down our Christmas tree today while my son was sleeping and my daughter wasn’t moving fast enough, and in my head I was thinking, I have to get this tree down, the garland around the doorways, all the figures and random decorations that are scattered throughout the house all before he wakes up –because when he does, I can’t get much done. She became frustrated because I started to take the branches off in 2’s and 3’s to speed up the process and she wanted to do everything herself. After a few seconds, I stopped and shook my head in disappointment –at myself. This is probably the most fun she has had in a few days, or even since she put up the tree, and I’m taking all the fun out of it by making it a job. So I kindly sat back, and sat on my hands so I didn’t dare pull out a branch, and let her finish taking down the tree –some 25 minutes later.

Bedtime is a tough time for me, not the physical part of it, but the emotional part. My son is already asleep and I lay in bed with my daughter and listen to her talk and talk, while I basked in the warmth of her giggles. She usually hugs me and tells me she loves me some 20 + times. We discuss the day and I tell her how proud I am of her certain special things she does. It’s in this moment when I feel the most guilt of how the whole day unfolded. My son doesn’t really notice the chaos, he was born into it, but my daughter feels it. I know that because of how she clings to me when the house is quiet and it’s just the two of us.

With my resolution fast approaching, I would love to stop saying hold on to my daughter. I wish I could multitask like a normal person.  I would love to be her number one person (like I used to be) –but yet, still be my son’s number one person. Answer her every question without saying, give me a second. Do fun and creative things at least 3 times a week, with both of my children. I would love to read to my son the same way I always read to my daughter. Take weekly outings, that doesn’t include the grocery store. Spend more family time –with my husband and the kids. Finally, I would LOVE to tone down my neurotic behaviors and not spend so much time organizing everything.

I’m hoping with my son’s first birthday approaching in another 12 days things will get easier the older he gets –as I’m already noticing the days are getting easier and my patience is already reclaiming itself, slowly, while my son is intermittently gaining more independence. I’m holding onto the idea that the first year is the hardest and maybe when he starts talking and interacting more with my daughter, I will not be the so high strung in trying to fulfill everyone’s needs. Maybe they’ll cling more to each other and rely on that to make their own fun. Then when mommy does participate it’ll be a nice treat, not an obligation. Because right now, I worry my children will only remember me as being high strung and rushing things. My resolution is changing my ways (and maybe adding wine into the mix) and anxiously waiting for time to work in my favor, so the household runs smoother and more efficient.

Wishing everyone a Happy New Year!

Mid Week Revelation: Merry Christmas

I've realized Christmas is 100x's better with children... Motherhood, because it's soooo much fun playing Santa :)

*I'm so grateful to be spending this lovely holiday with my family -Merry Christmas to you all, I hope your day is wonderful as well! 

Home for the holidays

It’s that time of the year. Snow has blanketed the ground reflecting the bright stars above. Homes are warmed with heat and love. Traditions are being played out day after day. Many houses are covered with beautiful lights –inside and out. Christmas music is softly playing in the background and the smell of cookies drift through the air. Everyone is either home or trying to get home for the holidays. But it’s basically the time of year where my daughter doesn’t stop talking about Santa’s arrival, not even pausing to eat. Her drawings are of Santa and his reindeer and there is Christmas tree cut-outs covered with glittered that are scattered throughout. I hear her sing Rudolph the Red-Nose Reindeer, Jingle Bells, and Dashing through the snow over a dozen times a day. And she continues to play Santa’s coming to town with her Dora the Explorer figures and the village under the tree. She would also wear her Christmas jammies every single day if I’d allow it. But I must say, it’s also my favorite time of the year.

I once thought being a child at Christmas was the greatest thing, now having children, I realized that watching them experience Santa is one of the greatest gifts a parent can receive. I am probably more excited than she is –well, maybe close. I have everything wrapped, organized, and stacked neatly in my closet. I have my kids presents differentiated by wrapping paper –Penguins for my daughter (she’s obsessed with them thanks to Peso from Octonauts) and snowmen for my son.

Our holiday tradition begins on Christmas Eve (this was the same tradition as when my brother and I were younger), Santa (my brother) arrives at our house mid-afternoon/evening to talk to my daughter and son. He makes an exception to stop during his busy travels, and my daughter couldn’t be happier. He brings them a couple toys, reads books, then talks about the things they want the next morning. Last year, I couldn’t contain my emotions (partly because I was 9 months pregnant) when I saw how ecstatic she was when Santa walked through her door. After he leaves, we set out milk and cookies, read more Christmas stories, then watch the Santa tracker on the computer before drifting off to sleep.

Christmas morning is a rush down the stairs -squeals, yelling, or any other kind of sound you could think of. She pauses for a moment and breathes in the excitement, realizing her anticipation has finally arrived. Then dives in, thanking Santa every step of the way. I’m also waiting in anticipation to see my son’s reaction to Santa and then all the presents –he’ll probably look at his big sister for reassurance then follow her reaction. But, there was one year where my daughter screamed bloody murder when she laid eyes on Santa –as quickly he walked through the front door, is as quickly he walked out the back.

I am so grateful for my beautiful family -To carry on traditions with them and enjoy the holidays with my extended-family and in-laws. So this Christmas, let us be thankful for these traditions and the people who help fulfill them every year -family, friends, and loved ones –and the ones that are not with us this year, let us set an extra plate for them to reassure ourselves that they will also be home for the holidays –as we all are. Because being home is more of a state of mind, rather than an actual place. And EVERYONE deserves to be “home for the holidays.”

Mid Week Revelation: The 3 year old's personality.

I've realized that my 3 year old daughter will sometimes give me a preview of what her hormone-induced personality will look like during puberty -and I must say, it's going to be quite a journey... Motherhood, it's not for the weak.

Santa's coming with a sack FULL of toys

To date, Christmas is my favorite time of the year. There's something about a tree filled with ornaments that glistens at night, with colored lights intertwined in garland that encapsulates the doorways, and the snow that usually falls on the ground. But I would say the best part is family –Everyone gathered around the Christmas tree, singing, laughing, and telling stories of the past. Big dinners with family and friends and desserts scattered around the table as far as the eyes could see. With family, brings children, and let’s face it, children are the ones who bring Christmas to life. For a single second, I would love to have the happiness they experience on Christmas morning -To feel that kind of pure excitement.

With the holiday season fast approaching, I've been reading a lot about this new movement of parent’s not wanting to provide their kids with lots of toys for Christmas (or limiting to a handful) –Now of course, I’m not talking about the people who can’t afford presents and they get what they financially can. I’m talking about people with the ability to buy more, but choose not because they say their kids have too much. They would rather have friends and families spend "quality time" with their child(ren) or put money towards future advancement, etc. I may be old fashioned, but this is definitely falling into the category of making kids mature faster than they should. Children are only babies/kids for a short time. This is a time of bliss, no responsibilities, and no worries. This is an exciting time, a time where they wake up to find lots of toys under the tree. I know people say, they should understand the "true meaning of Christmas"... why? They're kids. They have the rest of their lives to understand the true meaning of Christmas, but only a small window where they could just enjoy the complete ignorance of how toys appear under a tree.

To me the logic of my kids having too much just doesn’t hold. I know plenty of adults who have 20 + pairs of shoes, a closet full of handbags, too many clothes to count –but yet, continue to add to their collection. Isn’t that the same thing? What if someone said there was a limit on what you could own?

I’m part of that mindset where I have bought only a handful of items for myself in 3 years. My house is filled with kid’s toys and kid’s items. But, I do not buy toys throughout the year –I will buy an occasional book for my daughter. But I buy one big gift for birthdays, fill Easter baskets with homemade chocolate and one present, and then Santa is the one who brings lots toys for my kids, not me. So at Christmas time, he brings as much toys as I can financially afford. That works in two ways, one being my daughter never asks for anything when we’re in a store because in her mind, Santa brings them. And two, she has such an over amount of excitement for Christmas because she is getting lots of toys. The build-up is incredible for any parent to see.

My childhood memories of Christmas are what drive me in making it wonderful for my children. When I was younger and still believed, Christmas was a huge event. Family and friends would stop by continuously the week or two before –eating food, drinking coffee, and staying late into the evening. Santa would even stop by on Christmas Eve to talk to us. Then when we awoke the next morning (usually as the sun was rising), my brother and I couldn’t contain our excitement as we shrieked when opening up our presents. Indirectly, we were learning the true meaning of Christmas, but we didn’t realize it –it wasn’t forced down our throats. Because when I look back, what I remember most is that the house was filled with family, friends, and love.

This is my daughter’s fourth Christmas and each year the anticipation increases. We have the inside and outside of the house completely decorated before Thanksgiving and the tree up on black Friday –she is already beyond excited for Santa to come. All of our story times shifted to Christmas books and she’s constantly playing Santa’s coming to town with my village under the tree. She writes letters to Santa asking him for certain toys, but then adds, “if you can’t, then that’s ok Santa.” She sits down and tries to explain to her brother how marvelous Christmas will be. And that isn’t something I’m willing to take away by giving her two or three presents because I’m teaching her gifts aren’t everything (but on a side note, isn’t our society completely based on the amount of “stuff” we all have?). If I’m able to provide her with a Christmas full of toys and quality family time, then that is something I will continue to do. Because in just a few short years, Santa will be a distant memory as she becomes mature and “too cool” to believe in him anymore and the idea of waking up to a room full of toys under a tree won’t even be a concern anymore. She’ll probably just want a laptop, unwrapped for convenience, as she’s begging to leave the family dinner early to go spend time with her friends.

I’m a firm believer in modeling behaviors –if you’re a good person and understand the value in things, then your children will follow suite. I think we place too much concern on the way our children behave with constant discipline and maintenance, instead of just letting them learn through existing in the world. I will always buy as much as I can for my kids as adults will continue to buy for themselves. I believe my children will learn and are learning the value of things the other 364 days a year –I believe that, because I can already see it in my 3 year old daughter and the crazy amount of toys she gets or already has isn’t stopping her appreciation for things (I had a friend send her a sheet of stickers in the mail for her third birthday this year and you would have thought there was a million dollars in that envelope with the way she reacted to them). Christmas only comes once a year, it should be a time where the house is filled with lights, family and friends, cookies baking in the oven, Christmas music continuously on in the background, and the magical anticipation of Santa arriving with his sack FULL of toys.

Mid Week Revelation: The sometimes of loneliness

I've realized it is sometimes possible to feel completely alone in a house filled with three other people, plus a dog... Motherhood, it's not for the weak.

Why is co-parenting hard to accomplish?

When my daughter was first born, I wasn’t sure what to expect. I wasn’t one of those parents who had everything mapped out with lists of what I wanted. I was a behavioral therapist for 6 years, so I kind of had an idea of how to parent (or basically, what not to do). But that was as far as it went -I had visions of what I wanted as a whole, not on a day to day basis. I was with my husband 7 years before our daughter, so I pictured us beautifully co-parenting without a glitch. He would jump out of bed in the middle of the night to take care of our crying baby, allowing me to sleep longer -knowing exactly what to do to stop the crying. He would know when feeding time was because he was ‘in tune’ with her.  Our Saturday mornings would be spent around the breakfast table laughing while the smell of coffee percolated in the background.  However, I never once factored into the experience the potential of myself having a controlling personality.

In the hospital, when I wasn’t yet too confident with parenting, my husband diligently took care of our crying baby. My daughter screamed from the minute she was born until she was a little over a year old. So when she wasn’t even a day old, my husband held her the entire night so I could sleep and she wouldn’t cry. When we were home, the crying increased –a lot (she was colic, with other digestive issues). While my husband went back to work and I was home all day, every day, with her, I found out what worked to stop her crying –being held and in constant motion (sometimes that didn’t even work). But nonetheless, I couldn’t hear another crying sound, so when my husband would attempt to help, he wouldn’t do it right –she would start crying, which then triggered my mommy instincts (or controlling personality, which ever), and it would end with me taking the baby to soothe her into a quiet state. I felt like I could do things faster and more efficient. She knew me and I knew her. We had our own routines and everything was running smoothly. At this point, I felt like my husband’s assistance would just slow us down.

Fast forward 3 years later, the days are chaos, hours are lost, and daytime blurs into nighttime. I don’t even hear the birds chirping anymore. Life is rhythmic. Routines are as predictable as breathing. I spend so much of my day for everyone, it’s almost impossible to stop and think about myself. Children screaming, sometimes in unison, other times separate. Three meals prepared, with snacks added. Doing preschool with my daughter, while my son tries to eat the books. One down for a nap, while trying to keep the other one quiet. Changing diapers, taking potty breaks, and changing clothes. Attempting to read my daughter a book, while my son is grabbing at it. Everyone is asking for “mommy” instead of daddy. (When someone does ask daddy, he usually comes and finds me and asks what to do). I’m able to fit a meal in for myself, but I’m usually standing over my kitchen sink. I have to stay in sight, usually within 3 feet of my son at all times. My daughter is asking for her 40th drink of water. Making dinner, eating dinner, cleaning up dinner. Rushing around to get the children bathed, dressing them, and reading to them. My daughter watches cartoons, while I get my son to sleep. I come back in, my daughter is asleep. Now that the kids are asleep, I’m cleaning -picking up and rearranging the clutter from the day. Washing dishes, scrubbing floors, and sweeping my carpets (yes, I said actual broom sweeping). It is now close to midnight and my brain is still on overdrive, riding high from the massive amounts of caffeine I consumed, as I finally finish my job.  

Where is my husband during all this? On the couch watching television. It infuriates me beyond belief to see him sitting there, undisturbed, while all this havoc is going on around him. However, if you break it down, I often ask myself, have I programmed him to be like that. Is he now programmed to not offer assistance, to wait to be asked to help –because according to me, I have it all under control (which 99 % of the time, I do).

Now, he’s taken to this consistent lifestyle and I’m slowly relinquishing control (as I realize this may be the case), because I’ve learned with two children, I can’t do it all every minute. So he helps, but he does it when I ask –he doesn’t offer. Screams and cries will be in the background (sometimes just the children and other times from me) and he doesn’t think to ask if I need help. He does jump when I ask him, but again, I have to ask. When he’s alone with both children, I have to have them prepared for night time, with a complete step by step list of what to do. Whereas, he doesn’t think twice when I’m with them.

I don’t think I’m the only one with a lifestyle like this. When you’re home every day, all day, by yourself, it’s very easy to get into a routine. To do things a certain way –your way. I think when both parents work, they share the time equally with their kids, however, when one is home and the other is not, it’s easier to just continue the day as you were. My husband, my children, and I are a family. However, I sometimes don’t feel like that. I feel as if it’s just me and the kids or my husband and I. My husband and I are celebrating 11 years together -we are rock solid as a unit. But I feel so lost and distance from him with co-parenting. I do it all, while he sits back and allows me to do it. I sometimes envy his life. He gets to enjoy the benefits of healthy, happy kids without the raising them part.

Infancy is hard, especially with both of my children. I feel like I was in survival mode with my daughter and now that my son is less than a month shy of his first birthday, I feel like it’s all getting easier. I took charge because it was the smoothest way. However, now I wonder if the lack of consistency with co-parenting was because I didn’t allow it in the beginning.

Slowly, my husband is taking on more responsibilities. He is more like a child at times, so it’s hard for me to relinquish complete control, but we’re moving in the correct direction. My daughter is becoming more of a daddy’s girl as the days pass and my son shines the brightest grin when my husband’s car pulls in the driveway. We are a family no matter what happens, and I’m beyond proud of that. I am also beyond proud that my husband and I are still together through all of life’s trials and we have two beautiful children in return. We are lucky enough to do family activities together and spend all the quality time we want as a unit. Through all this, I’ve learned that parenting is all about trials and errors and apparently, so is co-parenting. 

Mid Week Revelation: Staring out the window

I've realized since becoming a parent that I have a fantasy of sitting in a quiet room, drinking a cup of tea, while staring out the window... Motherhood, it's not for the weak.

Why has parenting changed so much?

We live in a society where we are striving for tomorrow before we even indulge in today. Chaos is a normal part of life. People are functioning in fast mode, never stopping, while speeding through each chapter in their lives -their children are also along for the ride -making little adults out of them, with their own sets of responsibilities. 

With this, children are indirectly aging quicker than they should -an example, our society has a type of parenting called, “attachment parenting” and I can’t even wrap my head around that. Have we outstretched ourselves that much from generations back? I practice attachment parenting, but with my own modifications, and I’m very laid back. But if you break down attachment parenting, it’s basically the parenting we were all raised with. Kind of like organic was just the way our grandparents ate everyday –they didn’t have a fancy name for it.

Attachment parenting’s main premise is putting your child’s needs before yours –does there really have to be a type of parenting for that? Does that really need to be a style? It's pretty simple, if your child is crying –go to them. If your child is hungry –feed them (don’t wait for a scheduled time). If your child wants to be held –hold them. Again, does this all really need to be stated? 

Crying it out (CIO) was created to train your child to sleep, basically to make them conform to your lifestyle. I was always under the impression as parents we were supposed to follow our children’s needs. Think about CIO for a moment. If your child is crying when you put them to bed (and they’re fed, changed, etc), maybe they just miss you. Remember, to children and babies, you are their whole world and they'll only need you for a small amount of time before they start wanting their own space, while having their own lives. 

I feel I am an outcast with today’s parents -Even yesterday’s parents. I am a stay at home mom, I chose that. I have a master degree in occupational therapy and chose to live on one pay check. I chose to put all my wants and needs on the back burner so my children can have everything they want. I still follow that trend. I chose to “baby” my children –I find that people expect 3 year olds to act way too mature than they should. I cuddle my children (a lot) and I pay too much attention to them. I force them to say please and thank you –My daughter also says Sir and Ma’am. I let them speak their mind and have opinions. If I’m wrong, I tell them that (I’m not on a pedestal because I’m a parent), I take responsibilities for my own actions and expect the same from them. I let them have their own personalities, not one I designed for them. I indulge in their imaginations, I follow along with her wild stories, and nothing she says is unimportant –no matter how trivial.

My children don’t fit the profile of today’s kids. They don’t easily go to other people -they are not passed around between their mother and separated father, they are not in daycare, nor do independent activities away from home. They are rock solid in public, they are confident, and talkative, as long as mommy is near. They feel they could achieve anything, as long as mommy is near. Is that wrong? No, because they’re still babies. I want them to have a complete childhood, with appropriate age progressions, not today’s society push. Not a childhood filled with Spongebob cartoons, anti-Santa Clause, adult conversations, and adult television shows.

If this leaves my children attached to me, then I did something right –I’d rather that instead of them begging to leave before 18 years old. If my children live with me until they’re 40 years old, then they do (or maybe that’s just the Italian in me). I again, don’t have a problem with that. They are only children for a little bit and adults for the rest of their lives. I believe kids have too many demands placed on them. They have too many “scheduled” activities and not enough time to just sit and stare out the window. They are occupied 24/7 with technology and TV.

I realize the majority won’t agree with this post. Like I said, I find that I’m an outsider with my type of parenting. I pay full attention to my kids -I get down on their level and listen to their every word. They are my priority and nothing else. I treat them as little humans, not beneath me. I don’t parent them based off a power trip because my child said no to me –I pick my battles, if it’s not that important, then I don’t challenge it. I discipline, I don’t punish –I don’t bully nor embarrass them. I don’t want to be treated like that, why would they?

Parenting is less difficult if you put the time into your child. I think people have the misconception that “babying” their children will leave them unable to handle life. However, based on my opinion, I believe the child will be more confident and more stable later in life. Just look at how we all turned out and generations before (35+). I grew up with both self-employed parents that were always around and I had an incredible childhood –we are still very close today. I know and always knew I could count on them, they would/will always be there for me without judgement. 

I always try to parent based on a 1950’s housewife, more like June Cleaver -the one that was always cool, calm, and collective in every situation and always had the right thing to say (all while running the entire household). The children had three healthy meals a day –at a table with the family. Had someone home to greet them when they walked through the door. They never spent a moment wondering if someone would be there if they needed them.

Children will grow into their own anyways. Why not let them do it on their own time –when they’re ready to be independent. Children should have a childhood with complete ignorance and bliss –because it’s the only time in their life they can get away with that. Why should they have so many responsibilities, they will also have a lifetime of that. Parents should be less demanding and more forgiving –realizing that children will always test boundaries and are constantly changing. Parenting should be slowed down so you could start breathing in all the incredible moments, instead of punishing them.