Why is co-parenting hard to accomplish?

When my daughter was first born, I wasn’t sure what to expect. I wasn’t one of those parents who had everything mapped out with lists of what I wanted. I was a behavioral therapist for 6 years, so I kind of had an idea of how to parent (or basically, what not to do). But that was as far as it went -I had visions of what I wanted as a whole, not on a day to day basis. I was with my husband 7 years before our daughter, so I pictured us beautifully co-parenting without a glitch. He would jump out of bed in the middle of the night to take care of our crying baby, allowing me to sleep longer -knowing exactly what to do to stop the crying. He would know when feeding time was because he was ‘in tune’ with her.  Our Saturday mornings would be spent around the breakfast table laughing while the smell of coffee percolated in the background.  However, I never once factored into the experience the potential of myself having a controlling personality.

In the hospital, when I wasn’t yet too confident with parenting, my husband diligently took care of our crying baby. My daughter screamed from the minute she was born until she was a little over a year old. So when she wasn’t even a day old, my husband held her the entire night so I could sleep and she wouldn’t cry. When we were home, the crying increased –a lot (she was colic, with other digestive issues). While my husband went back to work and I was home all day, every day, with her, I found out what worked to stop her crying –being held and in constant motion (sometimes that didn’t even work). But nonetheless, I couldn’t hear another crying sound, so when my husband would attempt to help, he wouldn’t do it right –she would start crying, which then triggered my mommy instincts (or controlling personality, which ever), and it would end with me taking the baby to soothe her into a quiet state. I felt like I could do things faster and more efficient. She knew me and I knew her. We had our own routines and everything was running smoothly. At this point, I felt like my husband’s assistance would just slow us down.

Fast forward 3 years later, the days are chaos, hours are lost, and daytime blurs into nighttime. I don’t even hear the birds chirping anymore. Life is rhythmic. Routines are as predictable as breathing. I spend so much of my day for everyone, it’s almost impossible to stop and think about myself. Children screaming, sometimes in unison, other times separate. Three meals prepared, with snacks added. Doing preschool with my daughter, while my son tries to eat the books. One down for a nap, while trying to keep the other one quiet. Changing diapers, taking potty breaks, and changing clothes. Attempting to read my daughter a book, while my son is grabbing at it. Everyone is asking for “mommy” instead of daddy. (When someone does ask daddy, he usually comes and finds me and asks what to do). I’m able to fit a meal in for myself, but I’m usually standing over my kitchen sink. I have to stay in sight, usually within 3 feet of my son at all times. My daughter is asking for her 40th drink of water. Making dinner, eating dinner, cleaning up dinner. Rushing around to get the children bathed, dressing them, and reading to them. My daughter watches cartoons, while I get my son to sleep. I come back in, my daughter is asleep. Now that the kids are asleep, I’m cleaning -picking up and rearranging the clutter from the day. Washing dishes, scrubbing floors, and sweeping my carpets (yes, I said actual broom sweeping). It is now close to midnight and my brain is still on overdrive, riding high from the massive amounts of caffeine I consumed, as I finally finish my job.  

Where is my husband during all this? On the couch watching television. It infuriates me beyond belief to see him sitting there, undisturbed, while all this havoc is going on around him. However, if you break it down, I often ask myself, have I programmed him to be like that. Is he now programmed to not offer assistance, to wait to be asked to help –because according to me, I have it all under control (which 99 % of the time, I do).

Now, he’s taken to this consistent lifestyle and I’m slowly relinquishing control (as I realize this may be the case), because I’ve learned with two children, I can’t do it all every minute. So he helps, but he does it when I ask –he doesn’t offer. Screams and cries will be in the background (sometimes just the children and other times from me) and he doesn’t think to ask if I need help. He does jump when I ask him, but again, I have to ask. When he’s alone with both children, I have to have them prepared for night time, with a complete step by step list of what to do. Whereas, he doesn’t think twice when I’m with them.

I don’t think I’m the only one with a lifestyle like this. When you’re home every day, all day, by yourself, it’s very easy to get into a routine. To do things a certain way –your way. I think when both parents work, they share the time equally with their kids, however, when one is home and the other is not, it’s easier to just continue the day as you were. My husband, my children, and I are a family. However, I sometimes don’t feel like that. I feel as if it’s just me and the kids or my husband and I. My husband and I are celebrating 11 years together -we are rock solid as a unit. But I feel so lost and distance from him with co-parenting. I do it all, while he sits back and allows me to do it. I sometimes envy his life. He gets to enjoy the benefits of healthy, happy kids without the raising them part.

Infancy is hard, especially with both of my children. I feel like I was in survival mode with my daughter and now that my son is less than a month shy of his first birthday, I feel like it’s all getting easier. I took charge because it was the smoothest way. However, now I wonder if the lack of consistency with co-parenting was because I didn’t allow it in the beginning.

Slowly, my husband is taking on more responsibilities. He is more like a child at times, so it’s hard for me to relinquish complete control, but we’re moving in the correct direction. My daughter is becoming more of a daddy’s girl as the days pass and my son shines the brightest grin when my husband’s car pulls in the driveway. We are a family no matter what happens, and I’m beyond proud of that. I am also beyond proud that my husband and I are still together through all of life’s trials and we have two beautiful children in return. We are lucky enough to do family activities together and spend all the quality time we want as a unit. Through all this, I’ve learned that parenting is all about trials and errors and apparently, so is co-parenting.