Wednesday, April 29, 2020

A grateful day, during quarantine...

Week 6 is tough... It's the toughest week yet - Probably because, the first few weeks were left with such uncertainty and fear took the forefront... But now, it's fatigue...

Pure fatigue.

Fatigue of doing nothing, but nothing is exhausting when you're used to always doing something... And, I've also noticed that because we're secluded, we easily forget the world is going on outside of us. We forget because, our source of the outside world is through the news and the internet - which is drawing fear and causing so much unnecessary mental anguish. And, 6 weeks of the news and internet is intense. 

Also, our weather has been horrid. The sun barely shines and the temperatures love to hover at a brisk 40 degrees - with rain, 6 out of the 7 days. Which doesn't help the isolation, at all. It doesn't help the feeling of being trapped, when you can't even get outside to breathe.

But today, it reached the high 50s - with sunshine.

The universe gave us an olive branch... And we gladly accepted.

I couldn't even believe my eyes, when I noticed something bright peering through my curtains. Was it someone reflecting a mirror against my window, signaling for help? Has the apocalypse finally begun??? Honestly, the sun was at the bottom of my guesses.

So, breakfast was eaten quickly and school was placed on the back burner - let's face it, this was a monumental occasion that should be celebrated. And, school can be done at any time... Plus, learning occurs all around us. It doesn't have to be a structured, sit down style, in order for a person to become educated.

So, we fled our home, like the bell rung at the end of the day of school...

Because, quarantine is rough without sunshine.

We skipped down our street and headed towards our favorite quiet spot. I carried a plastic bag, so we could gather sticks, flowers, rocks, bark, etc - anything we could use, to craft with later. My son had his new kid go pro camera to vlog the excursion. And, my daughter had her phone, where she documented all the steps we traveled.

We walked slowly, taking notice of the way the new buds on the tips of the trees looked against the blue sky. How the bluebells and dandelions pop against the fallen leaves... My daughter started her philosophical conversations that would continue, until my son chimed in with a beautiful flower he just picked -We stopped to clear a drain from debris, so the water passed freely - they both sat and admired the clarity the water made, after it was free.

We were almost there...

I placed myself in a field, with my back against the leafless tree. My children were doing cartwheels and running relay races around the big concrete loop. My son stopping to vlog about the experience and film some cool things on the ground. And, my daughter occasionally stepping off to the side to answer a video chat, but quickly exiting the conversation, so she could run with her brother. Both, continually talking to me about the world around them... 

I could sit forever and feed their inquisitive brains.



After my bag was full and our bellies emptied, we headed home for lunch. But, the urge to continue on with the day pierced our souls.

We needed more.

I thought back to my newly 16 year old self, when I would hop in my car, throw on a newly made cassette tape, pick up some friends, and we would cruise around town, listening to our favorite songs and sing at a god awful volume - while the windows were down.

And, that's just what we did...

However, instead of the cassette tape, I blasted the Bluetooth and my daughter controlled the songs from her phone. But nonetheless, we drove for almost 3 hours and let the wind blow through our hair and the sun cascade off our bodies and sung all the songs, as loudly as we could...

There is something so therapeutic about that and it seriously doesn't get enough credit.

And just like that, our souls were recharged...

Outside of the obvious mental stress that has been brought upon our lives from this virus, I could do this forever. I could ignore the world around me and just spend my days like today (with sunshine)... Just doing cartwheels in an open field, listening to my daughter try to dissect the world around her, and listen to my son find the beauty in everything.

So, when the outside world seems chaotic and scary, my inside world is secure and stable. And, during a pandemic, I'm so grateful for my life, the simplicity of it all, and the ability to enjoy it...

Stay safe. Stay healthy. Stay sane...

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*You can catch my daily posts and stories over on my Instagram account -- Click Here to follow me <3

Thursday, April 2, 2020

My fears during COVID-19...

It's been almost three weeks since we isolated ourselves... The first week felt so natural, like it was our calling or something. I wasn't nervous, as I think I felt like the world was overreacting and it would all be over soon.

Even the second week, we 
enjoyed a loose schedule and the outdoor sunshine.

But, entering into our third week felt different. I felt the darkness lingering overhead. I felt a lump in my throat with every news alert that came through my phone. And, I felt defeated with every automatic call from our district.

I originally feared martial law and my husband's hours being cut and wondering how we're going to pay our mortgage, but now, I'm starting to fear the virus.

I'm fearing the uncertainty of it all. How symptoms and age groups seem to keep changing, like the sun rising and setting - It all just solidifies that no one really knows anything concrete and it's all an educated guess at this point.


The peak of the virus seems to keep changing and our "stay at home" orders are moving more than a drunk walking a straight line...

Additionally, I read about a healthy 12 year old girl on a ventilator and I cried. I felt the the stability leave my body and I feared for my children, even more. I fear a simple trip to the grocery store - that I'll bring something back to them - and they'll be that anomaly. 


Which is so strange because, this isn't normally me... I'm the one who thinks most of the media is overreacting and people believe things too easily. 

But, I felt safe in our little rural area. It felt freeing living where we have vast farmland and houses spaced. And, gave me peace and a false sense of hope, that we wouldn't see a case here. However, I recently caught wind of a possible case in our little town... Which made me want to board up the windows and retreat into the bomb shelter, I wish my husband would have built.


I know there are probably dozens of people walking around asymptomatic, that we're unaware of... And, I'm not quite sure why this virus feels so different - I don't know why I feel so consumed with fear and doubt.

But I do.


However, I also keep those fears to myself and plaster a smile on my face for my children... Because, what I want them to remember from all this, is all the fun they had with me - not the horrific pandemic going on in the world around them. I want them to thrive and continue business as usual. I want to continue our walks, our hiking adventures, and our patio campfires. I want them to enjoy our dinners on a blanket in the backyard. I want to bask in our kitchen dance parties and crafting fun and laugh into the night. And, I want to hear them laugh hysterically, as I attempt a flip on our trampoline... Remarkably, I shove my fears down as far as they can go, so I'm fully present with them... 

Family campfires...
 Family snuggles....
 Family walks...

Nevertheless, when the air is quiet, my fears swell... And, I fear for my husband, who has to go to work 7-8 days a week, with severe asthma labeling him as high risk...
I fear what the next few months will look like... If education will be haulted, if schools will remain closed, or i
f schools will even go back in the fall? I wonder if our yearly amusement park trip and our beach vacation will be cancelled. And, if friends and family won't be face to face for months.

I fear for the people who don't have the financial means to stock up, in order to limit their grocery store visits.
 I fear the one time stimulus check won't be enough to carry families past a single month...

I fear what the world will look like over the next few months because, it's going to get bad, before it gets better.


Afterwards, will people realize how much we really don't need in life? 
-Will they understand how important family and friends are? 
-Will they appreciate that money shouldn't be the most important drive in life?

In the depths of this, I never realized how much I enjoyed my simple prior life...

...I miss just walking out of my door and wandering around a grocery store, reading packaging after packaging... I miss the routine of taking my son to school and stopping for coffee afterwards... I miss having the need to get dressed and changed out of my pajamas... Simply, I miss being around strangers in a building and talking to the person behind me in line about the weather.. 


Jammies for daaaaayyss!

I'm not sure what this world is going to look like after all this... I wish I did, because my brain works so much better with the known, versus the unknown... But, I'm so hoping everyone realized who was there for us, when world needed them the most - the grocery store employees, gas station attendants, restaurant workers, healthcare workers, teachers, and so many more... So, when it's all over and we're rushing out the door getting back to our lives, I hope we remember those places and patron them as often as we can...

Because, I want to believe life will eventually go back to normal... That social distancing will not be the new norm... That, we'll be able to hug our parents and grandparents and go to the park and grocery store, without worrying about passing the virus...

Life will resume.

And when it does, we'll all pause for a moment to thank everyone who put their lives on the line to keep us safe, healthy, and fed... And, we'll mourn the ones who were lost - because, we were all in this together...

Furthermore, when that normal does resume, I hope we never forget that we were all in this together...

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*You can catch my daily posts and stories over on my Instagram account -- Click here to follow me <3