My vulnerability during a pandemic...

I keep distracting myself with activities and just being with my children. I feel this urge to keep busy, but I also have this urge to sit and stare out a window... My children and I go for walks in the sunshine and have pretend adventures in our woods... On my face, I'm smiling and laughing. But on the inside, I'm screaming.

In my home, we're just going with the flow. I'm allowing my children to regulate themselves by doing whatever brings them joy. Because, in times like these, that's what we all need.

I'm distracted for the most part, by doing what I love - being with my children... But, as soon as I'm left alone, my mind starts racing - Because the truth is, I'm scared.

I'm scared that my husband is an essential employee and is out everyday. I'm scared that keeping my family safe, isn't in my full control. And, I'm scared that we're not being told everything, in fear that society can't handle it.


...We have been self isolated since March 13, with only my husband going to work...

And, being isolated with my children isn't the problem. I could do this for years... I also stay in touch with friends and family on the phone and video chat. My daughter keeps up with her friends on her phone. And, my son plays his games with the world...

Socially, we're not feeling any weaknesses.

And, except for the minor questions my children ask, they're thinking this is all pretty fun...

It's fun, because as a parent, I've mastered the ability to let them be children and exclude them from the fears that are on my mind...

I can't let them see me sweat.

I keep my children informed, with age appropriate facts. But let's face it, for me, I like to speculate and I have trouble sticking to only facts - my brain loves to run wild with the, "what ifs."

So, when I have down time, I feel my skin crawl with uncertainty. My anxiety revels in the fear it creates and not knowing what lies ahead, fuels the fire within.

I find my eyes well up with tears, each time I read the alerts my phone, telling me who else contracted the virus. I feel it closing in on us and I just want to shut off the world.

Ironically, I'm usually the one who thinks everyone overreacts... And the truth is, before kids, I worked as a behavior therapist during the swine flu pandemic and just wore a mask and gloves (because, I cannot stop touching my face), and went about life as usual. I worked in schools and homes and never batted an eye... But, once you become a parent, you don't feel as invincible, as you once did... That urge to be one of those spring breakers down in Florida saying, "who cares if I catch corona!" doesn't seem as appetizing anymore.

Because, as a parent, you do care.

You don't want to be that one statistic where your child has a reaction that no one else did. You don't want to be that sole death, that hasn't affected anyone else throughout the globe... Why would you want to chance any of it, if you didn't have to?

So, in a time when everything feels so unfamiliar and life is thrown upside down, I'm grateful for my children and their ability to see only the positive. I'm grateful for my husband staying on video calls, well into the middle of the night/morning, to entertain my crazy thoughts. I'm grateful for my friends, who text in our group chat daily, just to stay in touch. And, I'm grateful for family, for staying in touch.

I'm grateful for the time to slow down and pull inward in our lives.

I'm also super grateful for Dish Network, for releasing the Hallmark channel to every package, because that station has pulled me away from the news...

Moreover, I'm grateful to watch humanity come to life. I'm happy to experience the world coming together in a way that hasn't been felt in decades, centuries, or at all. I love how everyone knows we're in this together and it's creates a different environment - a supportive, loving, atmosphere.

I love watching the singing throughout Italy, Facebook porch songs, live zoo feeds, live library story times, putting hearts in your windows so kids can find them on a scavenger hunt (we have one in our window, too), and countless other things...

So, in a time when life feels so out of control, I'm grateful I'm not alone... And, I'm eager to see what this world will look, on the other side...

Furthermore, I hope to god at the end of all this we get to say, "boy we overreacted." <3

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You can follow daily photos and stories from me over on my Instagram page - Click Here

A day in a life, during a pandemic isolation...

As the world is literally in complete uncertainty - and we all aren't entirely sure how our days ahead will unfold - for us, it's been truly wonderful to just pull inward and slow down.

It turns out, I'm perfectly happy and content just being home with my children - it brings me back to when they were little and the days belonged to us, not society time constraints...

The first few days, I obsessed over the news. Every time I put my phone down, I immediately picked it right back up to analyze all the new information being pushed. My little small tube TV that sits on my kitchen counter, had the news playing constant. Heck, those first few days, everything was changing so rapidly, I really felt like I was missing something, if I wasn't glued to it.

But, after our schools closed, I felt a sigh of relief. I really felt like I could finally relax, as I think most of my anxiety was stemming from my child being away from me, during these uncertain times.

For us, it wasn't hard to get into a groove. My daughter is already homeschooled, so it's business as usual for her. And, I know I rant a lot on my social media Instagram page about our school system, but they deserve an A+ for canceling school for 2 weeks, without sending work materials home - I really feel like everyone needed time to process what is going on with our current new normal, without having to do school work on top of it all.

We're homebodies in general. But, like everyone else, we have lives outside of the home. My daughter and son's evenings are usually filled with extracurricular activities and events. So, even though we enjoy being home, it's a difficult time for them to adjust not having their normal, with their friends.

So, instead of packing our days with colorful charts that schedule everything down to the minute, we are just living. Furthermore, I am taking this time to let them do whatever they want to fill their days, as I am doing the same... However, their days look so much more productive than mine - I am shoving my face with junk food and watching Hotel Impossible.

Currently, my daughter does her school on the computer, whenever she feels like it. She doesn't have a time frame, just as long as she stays up with her lessons. And, I do some reading activities with my son, only because he has struggled with reading and has surpassed the district's goals for this year - and I don't want him to lose that progress.

But, the rest of our day consists of free play. Absolutely any kind of free play... I'm looking at it as our Spring Break... 

-Playing Fortnite. Even my husband has joined in, too.
-Online Roblox playing with their friends, who they cannot be face to face with.
-Video chatting with friends.
-Making silly Tik Toks.
-Texting with friends.
-Sending cute videos and photos to friends.
-Outdoor adventures.
-Hiking in our back woods.
-Trampoline jumping.
-Swingset playing.
-Dance parties.
-Watching movies.
-Doing parkour in our home.
-Using our gymnastic equipment.
-Practicing Karate.
-Board games.
-Playing family charades.
-Creating art.
-Building the best Lego land in the home.
-Vegging out, while watching YouTube.

*There are so many more details, but this is just to name a few... As you can see, there aren't any micromanaged topics - And in reality, our days prior to the pandemic, don't look too much different -as I'm not much of a schedule type person. I believe in children controlling their lives and learning how to balance their items/responsibilities throughout the day.

And today, our district already sent a message that there will be some kind of school materials worked out within the next week. So, at that time, we'll resume some what of a normal routine - well, as normal as we can be, in self-isolation.

But, free play will still be the center point of our days...

Here are some photos of what our days have looked like.

You can see daily photos and stories on my Instagram page - Click Here.

...As a parting message, just know that our children are watching us -They're watching our reactions and our behaviors. So keep smiling and use this new found free time to be engaged with them. Basically, be the fun parent. Let them stay up late, talk to them often, answer their questions, and just laugh... And know, you're doing great, as there isn't a parenting protocol for this type of situation. 

The world is all in this together. And for the first time, we are all truly stopping and smelling the roses.

*And remember, practice being distant socially, instead of socially distant -- stay in touch with friends and family and let your children stay in touch with their friends (whether it's through a phone, video, texting, or video games -they need it, too)... 
And, check on your neighbors.
Be kind.
And, stop hoarding toilet paper... <3

38 trips around the sun...

I woke up this morning, hitting the snooze button on my alarm clock, more times than not - When it reaches this dreary time of the year (caught between Christmas and Spring), I can't seem to wake up as easily for school, as I did, just a few short months ago. And repetitious, mind numbing routines, always mess with my soul - So, I fumbled with my phone, waiting for my eyes to focus in, to see the time...

I threw myself upright and raced downstairs to pack a lunch, a snack, and make some breakfast, before we left for school drop off. My feet sputtered down the bare wooden steps, and when I hit the bottom, I saw my daughter and son were waiting there, holding cards in their hands - And, on the table behind them, were packaged items... They both stood there proudly, with the largest smiles on their faces, as they shouted, "Happy Birthday!" before hugging me - From them, I received homemade cards and my daughter spent her own money and bought me these pictures items, because she knows my love of socks and well, coffee too...

I'm on my 38th trip around the sun, and I've noticed as people age, they usually start rebelling or frantically try to turn back the clock... It appears to be the general consensus that aging, is the ultimate evil... But, as I age, I see this precious world around me and I'm aware of how grateful I am to be reaching any birthday... 

Because, life can change so quickly, for any of us.

And, this past year has left me so happy for my life and the many more gray hair I obtained in the process... 

*I'm grateful that my brother, who has stage 4 cancer, is still celebrating another birthday with me... 

*I'm grateful for my children, who gave me purpose - I truly found myself after their arrival and I still continue to evolve and grow, to this day... 

*I'm grateful for my husband and his hard work. (And, how quickly he rebounded, after his company laid off his entire department on December 31st). Because, without his hard work, I wouldn't be home to give our children the life I want, I couldn't be the parent I want to be, and I couldn't homeschool... 

*I'm grateful for all the love and support I received, when our 13 year old German Shepherd passed... 

*I'm super grateful we didn't let mercury retrograde drown our spirits, because it tried. It seriously tried to pull us under water and hold us down...

Because you see, after 38 trips around the sun, I know that life is treasured... Sure, days suck, days are long, and life seems to do everything to make you hate it... It's easy to get caught up in all the negative, while not appreciating the positive... But, all you need is the love of family and some really awesome friends, who will meet up with you 7 days a week, just to keep you laughing. And, they'll laugh with you, at all the crap that occurred simultaneously, because at some point, it seemed like a joke.

And, some perfectly timed hugs from my wonderful children, who are the reason I live and breathe everyday...

As time passes and more birthdays come and go, I look forward to the days when my hair is white and I lost a few inches in height. I look forward to all the aches and pains I feel and naturally slowing down... I look forward to it because, it means I've lived a full life. It means I'm still in this world, enjoying everything it has to offer.

It means I was able to watch my children grow, revel in their days, and come out of this chaos, on the other side...

I would have learned so much more about myself - And hopefully, learned how to be more patient with time and learned how to "stop and smell the roses..."

You see, aging is truly the most important gift that is taken for granted, because without aging, there's nothing else left to celebrate...

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**Be sure to check out all my social media pages... I'm on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. However, I post daily on Instagram and share stories there, several times a day... It's by far, my most active page.

My Instagram link - Instagram

My Facebook link - Facebook

My Twitter link - Twitter

Our transition from traditional schooling, to homeschooling...

While I sit at this computer, I'm staring meekly at the blank screen... I'm fumbling through lots of ideas and then my mind goes blank for a few minutes, as I randomly stare off in another direction... I seem to keep coming back to this single paragraph, rethinking it over and over, about how to tell our story...

There is just so much to say...

Because you see, the end of 2019 is really hard to put into concise words.

But, here we go...

Before my children were even of school age, I have basked in the idea of homeschooling. I'm a, "fight the system," person by nature and the whole institution of school in 2020, gives me chills down my spine - It's outdated and most importantly, school isn't designed for children. 

I'm among an online community of unschoolers and homeschoolers. I relish in their writings and photos of how their days play out - My children started public school, but I still sit and stare at these images with jealousy, that they were brave enough to go against the grain. 

I made the decision of traditional schooling, because of meeting with our principal in the elementary. He's truly a wonderful human. And, the structure of our Blue Ribbon public school is set up a lot like a Montessori... Meaning, they don't have grades, they rotate among small group sizes, and they have so many activities that focus on other avenues, instead of only "subjects." 

So, I figured, we'd at least try it out...

My daughter has been in traditional schooling since preschool -she's now in fourth grade... She loved the structure of learning and following a school-based curriculum. She loved the elementary school and all the activities they had to offer... But, this year, they built a new building that houses 3rd, 4th, and 5th grade - with a new principal, new staff, and new policies (the original elementary stayed, housing kindergarten, 1st, and 2nd grades)...

If you follow me on Instagram, you know all about the beginning of this school year (I posted daily videos about what was going on - the links are at the bottom of this article).

Unknowingly to us at the time, this was the beginning of the end of our traditional schooling experience...

My daughter eagerly awaited the completion of our new Intermediate Building on our district's campus... We were all anticipating how it would unfold. And, she was excited to be one of the first classes to begin at this brand new building...

But, it was around August, when our school district started with its absurd letters arriving to our home. They built this new, tens of million dollar building, in an already wealthy district... But yet, they couldn't seem to figure out how to start and dismiss both the old and new buildings, at the same time.

We live in a rural area. Our campus sits on acres surrounded by farms and woods. But yet, the whole construction seemed to limit access from the new parking lots to the buildings themselves... And, they couldn't fit all the parents and buses, at the same time. 

So, the letters started, even before school begun. They read aggressively, stating that parent drop off would be taking place 30 minutes before the start of school and parent pick up would commence 30 minutes after school completion - leaving the non bus kids in school an hour longer than the bus kids... And, if you arrived one minute later, you had to wait until after 9:05 am, and your child would be marked late.

At this point, my daughter was starting to get nervous because, she didn't like the idea of sitting in a gym for an extra hour a day, when she could be home with us... And I concurred... So I, as the fix it personality, mustered up a few ideas and plans to get around this proposed notion. One of which, involved me reading the entire department of education code, to find out my rights first.

I then scheduled a meeting with the principal of the new building, the one whom we have never met, to go over my proposed idea... To which he reluctantly agreed upon, only after I showed him the state laws.

Which was ridiculous, because all I wanted to do was inconvenience myself to get my child out of school, when the contractual time stated. Basically, I wanted to take my child off their hands and they acted like I was trying to take their own flesh and blood child from them. 

This was all before school even begun...

We then had a group walk through for the new building. We met some new teachers and staff, who were oddly unfriendly - something we haven't ever experienced on this campus. The principal had all the parents and children gather in the cafeteria, to which he spoke to us, like we were all children - even having everyone repeat after him, the official parent drop off time and pick up time, with a condescending tone... I am almost 38 years old and that meet and greet left me wanting to run for the hills... I couldn't imagine how my daughter felt, being only 9 years old... They rushed us from room to room, showed us the building and all it had to offer. But, all I saw was stark white walls, like the many psychiatric wards I pulled hours in during my clinicals, back in college... No part of this school resembled an elementary. It didn't look like 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders were going to be attending here. It didn't look like anything, other than a hospital.

And, I kept hearing the statement, "they don't want it to look like an elementary school," being thrown around... Like, that was the worst thing in the world that could happen... Imagine the horror of having color strewn throughout!

And, a friend of ours pulled her three kids out of the district immediately, after that meet and greet...

School begun, and even after all the red flags leading up to the first day, I still blindly followed the society norm... My daughter waved goodbye, as she left me for 6.5 hours, into the unknown.

As weeks passed, my normal spunky-in-your-face daughter, started to pull inside of herself. I noticed things were off... She would come home and tell me these bizarre rules and policies that were taking place and they made my stomach turn... She told me how her 30 minute lunch was taken up by two, 5 minute quiet times, where they were not allowed to talk or make any sounds - and their heads had to be down on the table for the last 5 minutes of the quiet time. They implemented peers to walk around and "rat out" their classmates to the teachers... Then, when you were caught making noise during this time, you were then handed a shaming card which stated: Because I chose to talk, now I have to walk... Which then, the child had to walk the perimeter of the playground at recess - in front of their peers.

I emailed the teacher, asking to see a copy of this card and asked why in the world would this be a policy at a nationally ranked school in the suburbs - Her response was, "if she isn't making noise, then there won't be a problem." And, she was going to send me a copy of the card, until the principal caught wind of my asking and then, I was told it wasn't allowed to be given out.

I also heard some chatter from other teachers who were saying, they wouldn't actually make the child do it every single time... 

So my thought was, why are they even saying it in the first place? Why constantly bombard children with blind threats from they minute they walk in, until they walk out?

Oh, I know! 

To instill fear, for obedience and compliance...

From the minute these children walk into that building, they are bombarded with threats. Recess is taken away for forgotten homework or, they have to walk the playground perimeter. They're not allowed to talk for the full 30 minutes of lunch, or sit where ever they want at the tables. Or, they're not allowed to whisper to their friends at the desk next to them, if they have finished their assignments early...

The ironic part of all of this is, society is so accepting of traditional schooling for the main purpose of socialization... But, from the sounds of this structure, there isn't much socialization actually taking place...

I was nearly in shock from hearing all of this. I even met with the principal for an explanation, as to why these policies are being implemented... We had a back and forth conversation, before he concluded with, "I run a tight ship." He even went on to say that they shouldn't be treated like kids, because once they come into an Intermediate building, they're not kids anymore... During our discussion, he supported each and every policy that I described. He was dismissive, contentious, and said two, very inappropriate things to my daughter (right in front of me)... He was cold and nothing of what a principal of young children should be. It was in that moment, I knew I could no longer be a part of a school that supports this type of behavior.

So, she was pulled from traditional school on a Tuesday morning, seven weeks in, right after my conversation with the principal.

The idea of traditional schooling is a bizarre concept, when you really think about it. You're handing over your child to a building, where staff is burned out, overworked, and most are underpaid. These teachers are forced to teach 25-30 children in a class, for 7 hours a day. They design their materials with very little wiggle room for creativity, because the State is involved with their every move.

And somehow, we have accepted that this is more beneficial to your own child, than an individual designed curriculum with one on one teachings...

We have these children, who are individuals with big ideas and bright dreams - A square peg. But, after taking that square peg of individuality and beating it into a circle hole, in order to fit the regime of school and confines of the education system, the peg eventually fits... 

But, you know what? 

That peg is forever changed. 

It's now uniform. 

It now looks just like all the other pegs...

And, I thought the idea of parenting was that we wanted our children to be individuals, we want them to think outside the box, and be creative. We want them to be strong enough to fight for the injustices in the world. We want them to use their words respectfully and stand up for what they think is right... But you know what? School doesn't teach that. If anything, school teaches children to sit down, be quiet, and do as your told from someone who has 100% complete control over your life for 7 hours a day. 

Years ago, schools didn't parent kids. School only taught academics and left everything else up to the individual families... There weren't any behavior charts, rewards, or stickers. And, teachers weren't creating their classroom goals and expectations off their own morals and values and trying to push it onto the children... Everything that basically occurs now...

The decision to pull my daughter was one of the most nerve racking decisions I have ever made - You're going against everything society has taught you. You're standing alone... Especially in my hometown, which isn't a progressive mindset - And the majority of parents and children don't seem to think the dynamics of that building are wrong, because they parent similar - But in the end, I didn't need my child in an environment which will never be replicated outside of school and doesn't represent our household. 

No where in her adult life, will she have to walk a perimeter if she forgets something. She won't have to put her head down during lunch for quiet time. And, she won't have to be told when to sit, stand, move, etc... 

Unless, she's in prison...

...It's been four months since she's been homeschooled and it was truly the best decision ever. We love the flexibility and freedom it allows. We get her school work done, but then, she has so much time to do other things that are important to her - She has more time to practice her vocal songs and practice her acting lines. She is able to read for pleasure, instead of reading for A.R points. Additionally, she is able to learn more valuable life skills because, she is with me, while I'm running a household.

It's been a long road and I'm sorry she had to experience what she did, in order to get here. At only 9 years old, I'm sorry she had to learn that sometimes people in power, take advantage of those without power... But either way, I'm glad we're here... I'm glad we're doing things on our schedule and not someone else's. And, I'm glad she doesn't have to worry about walking a playground perimeter, if she does something wrong... Mostly, I'm glad she gets to learn and grow in a secure environment that focuses on who she is, rather than making her be someone she is not... And, where she is shown love and understanding - not fear and judgement.

**I have documented the journey via videos over on my Instagram page. In my saved stories tab, you'll see 3 numbered "School Rants." If you want to listen to them, head over there and check them out -- Instagram (@the_happy_days)




**Disclaimer: I cannot attest to how the building is currently being run... This all occurred the first 7 weeks of this school year. And, changes could have been made since then... I just wanted to disclose our experience and what finally made us decide to leave traditional schooling**

What bedtime looks like in our home... And some thoughts on growing...

Bedtime in our home has always been chaotic... I used to have this image of me sitting on the foot of the bed, reading a story, and giving a goodnight kiss, as I exited the bedroom with the child still awake... And sure, my son sometimes does this... But my 8 year old daughter, is more like a Gremlin being sprayed with water...

Going to sleep and staying asleep, has never been her thing. She was very colicky as an infant and never slept longer than minutes at a clip -before she would wake back up crying, inconsolably.

She stopped napping by 18 months old and only dropped under dire need. She also never slept in the car, but she also didn't cry either - so, that kind of cancelled each other out...

She has never slept alone since birth...

And, at first, I did it all... I paced the house with her in my arms during her 12 hours of colic spells. I read 30 stories a night and rocked her to sleep, singing every nursery rhyme song in the beat of my steps... I laid countless hours besides her and then, crawled out of her room like I was escaping a laser ridden bank vault, trying so desperately not to be seen (or felt)... But like clockwork, she'd always open her eyes, whether I laid there for 5 minutes or 5 hours... I even opened my bed to her, where she only fell asleep as long as a part of her body was touching you - Even then, she would occasionally wake to make sure you were still there...

I did it all, because I do not believe in crying it out... I will never be on board with the thought of a child crying desperately for their parent, while they stand motionless outside the door, waiting to break the baby, like a trainer does to a horse...

And, when did a child wanting to be with their parents become a bad thing? Why are we conditioned to separate ourselves, like society expects us to?

And, after 6.5 hours away at school, she misses her mom -Just as much as I miss her... Besides, she's only just a child...

I also did it all, because I know one day, this will all be over with...

And while I sometimes felt like I'd give a kidney to just have her sleep in her own bed, I knew deep down, this was all only temporary...

On my social media sites I've written countless times about how unfair childhood is to parents...

There is so much growth and development that occurs during those first 10-12 years of life... So much neediness - which that neediness then changes from needs to wants, but both are just as demanding (first, they're begging for juice. Then, they're begging for a ride to a friend's house)... You are pulled in so many directions, you're not even sure which side is up. And, everyone is telling you to enjoy every moment because, it ends so quickly - and it does. It truly does...

And, that's the problem...

One minute you're drowning, praying to cling onto that life raft that just seems a bit out of reach... 

And then, all of the sudden, you reach it.

It's such a short time in our lives, but it's bombarded with so much chaos and mental anguish that it's rare we can actually enjoy it all...

And then, it's over... And, they no longer view you as the most important person in their lives -You are no longer their pivotal person who decides their fate. You no longer are required to dress them, bathe them, and feed them. They no longer want to hear bedtime stories, they don't want to talk to you right before bed (for an hour), they go to sleep without saying good night, or you fall asleep before them...

And, you're left wishing they'd bombard you with 40 questions in 3 seconds. Or, randomly say your name in rapid succession, while you're on the phone, just to say, "I love you." Or, beg to sleep next to you every night - instead of sleeping away in a lonely dorm room...

See, the growth of childhood is a task that no one prepares you for. Everyone talks about infancy and toddlers, and you only hear about the snippiness of teens... But no one talks about the changes parents go through, during this process... None of us were ready for the push/pull we received or will receive. No one discusses, how some days, you'll feel like you're barely holding on, then somewhere along the line, you blinked and it's over...

I write this, on the foot of my daughter's bed. I can hear her softly sleeping, while our kitten lies just above her head on the JoJo pillow. The room is quiet, except for the whirling sound of the fan. Her white Christmas lights are draped over her white lace curtains, which glow the room brightly... This is the 4th night in a row that she has fallen asleep in here and stayed in here until, the wee hours of the morning... I have been able to stand up, walk out, trip over a JoJo Siwa microphone and hit my body against the wall, and she still hasn't woken up. 

This week has helped reinforce, that this is all temporary. I already see her roots digging a little further past the fence and beginning to sprout in the neighbors yard - Further and further away from me... And as fast as her extracurricular activities are weeding away our weeks, she is almost double digits. And eventually, will have a life of her own...

I won't be staying hours at theater and for dance. I won't be hovering in the background during her events. And, she won't need me to stay with her, when she goes to a friend's house.

So, tonight, I take it day by day and readjust that image, which was once so clear in my mind... Because the only thing that is guaranteed in this life is, that life is constantly changing.

And with change, brings growth... But not just for my child, but also for me..

**I want to thank you all, who are reading this... Thank you for sticking with me... I took a hiatus for a little bit, due to my daughter's singing, acting, and dancing, that has been consuming our lives. I haven't been able to sit in one place long enough to collect my thoughts, let alone, blog frequently. However, I have stayed up on my social media - because, that is just way easier to post and go... And, I also did a few "video rants" on my Facebook page - because again, that is much easier for me to just talk, instead of formulating thoughts into words on paper.

Dance recital is this weekend. Then, we switch over to our summer drop in schedule. And, we're into the summer theatre program, which isn't as intensive as a musical, but still takes up our weekends -That ends, middle of July...

So, I'm hoping to write a little more frequently. 

With that, I'd like to have each of my platforms for different things... 

My blog, to reflect on my feelings with parenthood and my experiences fighting against childism as a respectful parent.

My Facebook, to use as an education site - Posting memes, videos, and having conversations and debates (link here - The Happy Days).

My Instagram, to post photos with positive captions. And use my insta-stories as a vlog (link here - the_happy_days)

My Twitter, to post funny phrases and sayings (link here - The_Happy_Days)... 

(Also, each of these pages can be found on the right side column of my blog - in, non mobile version). 

Thank you for reading... 

And I look forward to hearing from you all!

The time my daughter humbled me...

We arrived home from dance class late on a Monday night, in mid February. My daughter, still riding the excitement of being at her favorite place, skipped through the house and disappeared into her bedroom.

I proceeded into the kitchen to fix a snack for both my children, before homework was to begin... Suddenly, a robo text came through my phone to notify us that school was cancelled for the next day (due to snow) - my birthday.

Within a few minutes, my daughter came back out of her room with her backpack purse draped over her back. She bubbily asked if I could take her to Dollar General because, she wanted to buy me a present for my birthday...

Since having children, my birthday isn't the frontliner anymore... We don't make a huge deal with presents or a party. Instead, we just have a small dinner with my family and parents... But, my children ALWAYS make me cards, which is my most favorite thing in the whole world and something, I look forward to each year - and my daughter is always the one who helps her little brother put it all together.

So, when my daughter mentioned a present, I immediately tried to deter her from doing it. I didn't want her to spend her own allowance money on me - Instead, I could think of a thousand other things, she could spend her money on.

But then, she hugged me and told me, I'm the most important person in the world to her and I do everything for the family and no one ever does anything for me. 

(Which isn't true because, just being able to be a parent to my children is the best thing I could ever have... And also, my daughter is one of the most helpful 8 year old that I know)…

I literally teared up, because that was one of the nicest things someone has said to me in a long time... And, as much as the practical side of me wanted to continue to deter her from doing this, I realized, this is something she really wanted to do...

So, I had to let her...

*But, I did throw out a nonchalant price cap of $5.00 into the air -which of course, she seemed fine with -haha*

We arrived at Dollar General and she wanted to shop the aisles by herself - of course, so I couldn't see what she was buying. The helicopter parent in me immediately had visions of Law and Order episodes or some other Dick Wolf series. But thankfully, we were the only ones in the store and we know the sales clerk from shopping there frequently. 

So, she wandered the aisles and we shouted back and forth over the partitions, like a bunch of weridos…

20 minutes later, she found the item... 
And, made her way to the checkout counter, where she talked to the woman about how excited she was to be buying her mama a birthday present - Then, proceeded to tell her all the time that I put into being a mom to her and her brother... 

I stood off to the side, sneaking my head over the sales rack, to watch her every move...

In the end, I was humbled by this experience... We live a modest life and I'm not a materialistic person, at all. I'd sell everything in a heartbeat and move to a smaller home, if it meant I could continue my lifestyle and be with my children all the time.

My children aren't raised where they're expected to get things. They are always with me when I go shopping and they never ask, if I could buy them something... They do get allowance money and know how to budget. And, they never hesitate to say, "here mama, take my money to buy ___ for the house." Which, I always praise them for offering, but never accept. Also, I've always taught them giving feels so much better than getting. Hence, why it was hard for me to accept her buying the gift in the first place...

But, allowing her to give to me, was worth it -all the way.

It was a moment that I didn't even know I needed.

Because, there are a lot of days that blur into one another. Some days, I feel like I'm just purely surviving. Other days, I just want to start all over again. And like all moms, I'm smothered in mom guilt...

At least I know, in the midst of everything, I'm doing something right...

I know that somewhere in the mix, they're learning responsibilities and how to be kind to others. They appreciate the world around them for what it is and look to see what they could give back, instead of trying to see what the world will give them...

And some times, us mamas need that revelation every once in awhile.

Hating cosleep, but loving it at the same time...

The hours seemed to pass at an alarming rate -basically, just your typical weekday... The outside was darkening like lights being put on a dimmer and the air suddenly shifted from spring-like temperatures to winter, all within 5 hours... 

I always feel like I'm rushing through the moments to access every faucet that needs to be achieved, in a very short window. And those hours from, coming home from school to bed time, disappear faster than cupcakes do from my home...

Baths were had, homework was completed, and stories were read.

I sat on the edge of each of my children's bed, holding their hands and stroking their heads until they fell asleep.

I quietly left their rooms, like I was maneuvering myself through a bank vault with red laser security beams covering the floor beneath my feet.
(My old 1930s hardwood floors aren't forgiving with sound - and of course, EVERYTHING sounds louder at night).

I grabbed my cup of sleeptime tea off the counter and nestled next to my husband on the couch - very excited to begin this week's episode of, Manifest. 

*Since becoming a mother, TV shows have become the new, "bar night," to me.

About 20 minutes into the show, I hear giggling... I paused the TV two times to listen carefully. But both times, the air was quiet. Then, the same thing happened again - To prove I wasn't going crazy and hearing phantom sounds of children giggling (because come on, is there really anything scarier at night?), I got up to make my rounds around our home.

My son wasn't in his room, so I quickly ventured down to my daughter's room... Outside her door, I stood motionless, listening to both of my children giggling, while playing Roblox on their kindles.

I'm not strict about much, but I am strict about bedtimes during the school year. Because, sleep helps with everything from stress, moodiness, and preventing illnesses... So naturally, my first thought was to bust through the door and break up their party. But, the longer I stood out there, I realized how hard it must be for a child during the school week. How, for 6.5 hours, they are in a controlled environment with 100% structure - only to come home at 4:00 pm, do homework, eat dinner, get baths, and get ready for bed. And, redo the whole thing over again the next day...

There is very little time for them to just, be.

Very little time for them to play a video game or to read a book for pleasure, instead of turning it into a comprehensive task for A.R. There's little time for my daughter to write her stories or even practice her vocal songs. Or, my son to write his beloved comic books... And, very little time for my son and daughter to just play the two of them, like they've had for so many years prior.

Also, our weekends are filled with theatre rehearsals and out-of-state day trips to vocal lessons...

It seems we've reached a point in our lives where just sitting, is being taken for granted.

So, before I opened the door, I let all the memories flood into me. I held onto them for the moment, with my body stiff and fists clenched, like my life depended on it... I used them as a reminder, that things around here are changing. That, the days no longer belong to us, the way they used to. That, my children are aging and coming into their own and their interests are evolving. And simply, my daughter is getting older and wants to become a professional singer and performer, and we're taking the steps to get her to where she needs to be.

And, as much as her passion and dedication is there, she still needs balance of work and play...

So, I quietly walked away from her door... I let them be.

And, I sat down next to my husband, while we continued to watch, Manifest and The Kids Are Alright, until we were tired.

Their giggling increased, as the night progressed. And, I'd hear them occasionally run out of her room to check and see if we knew they were there. I think even they were surprised I was letting them stay awake later on a school night. But, not to press their luck, they fled back into her bedroom, just in case...

Their antics reminded me of when they were younger... what seems like a lifetime ago now...

When 10:00 pm rolled around, I finally knocked on her door and called it a night... But, at this point, I saved them the trouble of waking up later and sauntering into my bed.

Instead, we all went upstairs together. 

And, the four of us squeezed into my king size bed. A bed that once felt so big, it used to scare me when they were little. Now, I feel like I need to be bungeed to the side of the wall because, I teeter on the edge.

And that's where the night concluded...

With the four of us now giggling about how much smaller the king size bed seems to feel now, as opposed to even a year ago. How my son kept pushing my husband away and complaining that he was too close to him. And about how they kept rotating because, both wanted to be next to my husband and I, at the same time... But, as their tiredness grew, they eventually didn't want to be next to each other anymore. 

And, I laid in the silence... 

...Looking at these two big kids...

Grateful they had more hours to be kids, without the confinement of organized structure...

Because, so much seems to be changing, but yet, so much still remains the same...
And for one, I still hate cosleeping, but love it at the same time.