Mid Week Revelation: Cold water

It seems children are the only ones, next to animals, who have the ability to not freeze while playing in a pool that is being filled with hose water.

It's been one heck of a week

This past week has been a whirlwind of events -Some happy and some sad.

If my writing reads scattered, I apologize; it’s the way it sounds in my head.

Mother’s day kicked off with a welcoming start, then a day later, my husband turned 40 years old.  It was an evening spent sitting around the table, smiling and laughing with family, while he blew out the candles on his first cake.

Mid-week, I received some awful news that my 90 year old grandma had passed. That phone call was one of the most surreal conversations that I have ever encountered –not because of the passing, but because there was a lot of family tension that occurred over the past 3 years. Now after her passing, it completely separated our extended family. Things were said and done, that maybe down the road can be forgiven, but will never be forgotten.

That brings us to the end of the week. It was my 5 year wedding anniversary with my husband -11 years together. That day completely crept up on us like a cat on a mouse -Neither one of us realized the day until well after noon. But I don’t need a “special” day to celebrate my love for my husband. I love him and the life he has provided me, because of him I’m able to be home every day with my two kiddos. That is an incredible gift in itself.

The next day was my husband’s 40^th birthday bash.

This decade milestone was different than his 30^th. That day was spent on a warm sunny beach in South Carolina (and we were 10 years younger). This year was spent around the warmth of love and laughter, with family and friends. We were thankful for the warmth of family as it dipped down to 34 degrees that night –the patio fire pit also kept us warm. It was a nice ending to a horrible week.

But this week has single handedly taught me a lot about life…

It taught me that family isn’t necessarily blood.

It taught me that when someone passes, you’ll see the true side of people.

It taught me that true friends go days, weeks, months, or years without seeing each other and pick right back up where they left off.

It taught me who I could always count on.

And it taught me that my immediate family’s (also includes my mom, dad, and brother) bond is stronger than ever.

The main focal point of this past week has been family and friends, because without them, where would we all be? My husband’s attended friends were his wedding party. Guys he grew up with. They all had children at different times, so over the years they lost track of each other. Except the occasional function they all attend. But walking past some conversations, it sounded like they were just together yesterday. For me, I am beyond grateful that I have 4 incredibly close best friends. It’s nice to know that I have a strong support system outside of my family… But the truth is, after all these years, these girls have become family. They’re a phone call away, at any time of the day –and believe me, I have called to know.

I am incredibly lucky for my immediate family, my parents, my brother, and my in-law family. They all have been so kind and supportive. My 3 year old must have gathered something big happened, because it was the first time that I was able to converse on the phone without her asking 500 questions. She was patient, understanding, and cooperative this week –that, I am grateful for.

I am also grateful to everyone who helped make this week enjoyable and memorable -and who also helped my family through this grieving period. As life passes, you realize who will always love  and cherish you –the rest aren’t needed in your life. 

Mid Week Revelation: The days are long

I've realized with being a stay at home mom, the days are long... Some days I look at the clock and cannot fathom that it's only 4 pm -In my head I'm thinking, "this day should have ended 10 hours ago!" Motherhood, it's not for the weak.

How do I let you go?

I’m not sure how to let you go…  To know that you’re not a phone call away. I don’t know what it will be like to never hear your voice again. To not see your smiling face. You were an immediate family member… A second mother to me. There wasn’t a memory I experienced that didn’t involve you in my life.

You were a rock, solid as a tower.

You were strong, strong like a hurricane.

Life won’t be the same.

Saying goodbye will take time. Time I don’t want to manage. I don’t want to look back over past memories and be saddened, I want to relish in them. I want to peer into the past with fond memories of a fabulous, well-lived life.

A life full of love, laughter, and milestones.

Not an ending.

My grandmother was the matriarch of our family. She was a small, feisty Italian woman who would give Joe Pesci’s mom from Good Fellas a run for her money. I always make that joke because of the one scene where Joe Pesci and Robert De Niro showed up, unannounced, in the middle of the night and his mother cooked them a 4-course meal. That was my grandmother. If you were hungry, you ate –and you ate well. It didn’t matter the time or the day. The first Thanksgiving that my husband ever attended at her house threw him for a loop. He had already eaten with his father and when we arrived, she asked if he was hungry. He replied, “no”. Where she then said, “it’s alright, I’ll fix you a plate.” It was almost unthinkable to not eat during a meal.

She loved to entertain. Rain or shine she had a backyard full of people –laughing, sharing stories, and playing the guitar. There never had to be a reason for a cook-out, just a reason for friends to congregate. Family was everything. Dinners were spent around her dining room table and growing up, my brother and I spent so much time there -Playing dress up in Halloween clothes, riding our big wheels in her backyard that was paved for easy mobility, dancing late night in front of the TV, and playing in a kiddie pool on her kitchen floor during the winter months.

Holidays were always family-themed and they never missed one. Her husband, who passed in 2001, dressed up as Santa and delivered our presents. Birthday parties, Thanksgiving, Easter, you name it –they were there. Even when they lived out of town, they would make a special trip to our house for Christmas and stay a month. I was always uber excited waiting for their arrival.

My grandmother was the one who braved school shopping with me every year. She would patiently wait as the hours clicked by, while I tried on countless shoes and clothes. Then her and my grandfather waited with my parents on my front porch to see how my first day of school went.

She was there for me to cry on her shoulder during my teen years when my mom and I clashed.

She was there for my high school and college graduation.

She danced with me on my wedding day.

She cried from excitement the first time I told her I was pregnant with my daughter.

She was the epitome of what a grandmother should be. And even during these last years, we talked on the phone for hours. We talked about my kids and the good old days. I realize my busy life has kept me from visiting, but I’m so grateful that I have those late-night conversations. I will hold onto those with both fists clenched, never letting go.

I don’t want to ever let go. I want to imagine you walking through my door, with poppy in tow, kneeling down to flood my children with love. I want to picture you holding a pina colada and laughing about how you don’t drink. I want all of us gathered around a Christmas tree one more time.

I will hold onto these memories forever, because right now, that’s all I have.

And as I close my eyes, I’ll say goodbye.

Tears streaming…

My heart aching…

But not for forever.  

Because forever is too long.

But for right now, I’ll say, I miss you.

I love you…

And that love will be forever.

That love will help me heal.

These cherished memories will keep me going.

Because I’m not letting go… I’m holding on.

Mid Week Revelation: Sunshine

I've realized we live in an area where the sun doesn't shine nearly enough, when my 3 year old responds, "why does the sun have to shine so brightly? It hurts my eyes." 

Mother's Day

Mother’s Day has furtively made its way into our lives -A way to evaluate our self-worth as a parent or it’s the time of the year where we’re appreciated for our daily grind –whatever you decide.

It’s a day that is dedicated solely to the likes of mothers, and that’s a pretty neat community to be a part of.

Some people have breakfast in bed, while others get beautiful handmade items, I prefer the latter. My daughter is already up and about crafting a handmade card to accompany slippers that she wanted me to buy (I guess to go with my pajamas that are mostly donned).

I must admit, this is the first mother’s day where I finally feel like I have mothering two children under control. I don’t feel so chest high in irrationality. My vision isn’t clouded by frustration and my thoughts aren’t scattered from too many questions being asked. It feels like I’m floating through the days, rather than clinging to them.

I’m spending more days smiling and stepping back (trying to roll with the punches). I’m enjoying the uncomplicated things of mothering and letting some of the “everyday tasks” fall behind a little. With that, I’m noticing simple things that I would have missed while rushing through my day. Like, my daughter’s laughter sounds like wind chimes and my son’s giggling is contagious. That my children are only going to be 3 and 1 for a short while longer.

These days don’t seem so long anymore -the leash isn’t retracting and pulling me back.

The diminished feeling of being overwhelmed might have vacated because we’re able to spend our days outside in the sun –wagon walks, sandbox play, swinging, and imaginative exploration. Mother’s day is beautifully placed in the month where the azaleas are in full bloom, some of the daffodils are still vibrant, and the smell of spring is intoxicating. My windows are open and the smell of fresh air blows through my lace curtains.

We happen to live in an area where being outside isn’t always an option –there is a good 5 months where weather conditions are too horrid to even dare to be out. So it’s a very nice treat to wear colorful dresses and enjoy the outdoors.

This Mother’s Day will be celebrated in my home. I will be cooking homemade sauce with manicotti for my immediate family, my parents, and my brother. My home will be filled with love and laughter and that is the only way I can imagine spending this special holiday.

Mother’s Day to me is special, not only because I have two beautiful children who are the world to me, but because I have an amazing mother who I hope to emulate. My mother raised me to be strong, confident, opinionated, and self-assured. The women in my family are very strong-willed and I’m proud that I’m able to be that kind of woman. My mom was and is the rock in our family; everything would crumble if she wasn’t there to keep picking up the pieces. She is not only an incredible mother, she is an incredible woman.

For me, being a mother has been one of the most remarkable experiences in my life. Add that with being a stay-at-home-mom and you have the winning prize. I love that I’m my children’s world and their safety zone. I love the bond that has developed between us, because they’re with me all the time. I'm the person who they run to when something's wrong and in return, mommy is able to make everything perfect. 

So this Mother’s Day, I’m taking the time to reflect how far I have come with parenting. Knowing I will never be flawless every day, but as long as I put love first, then anything is possible.

I look forward to celebrating many more Mother’s Day with all my family gathered around a table, sharing stories and making memories to last forever.

Happy Mother’s Day to all you mommies out there!

Mid Week Revelation: Not the coolest mom

I've realized that I'm not the coolest mom in the world when my daughter goes to a restaurant and is completely ecstatic because she gets to drink straight juice, without water added... Motherhood, it's not for the weak.

Love is there after all

The arguing seemed to last for hours.

No matter what I did, I could not get my two kids to play cohesively, even if I paid them with candy.

Every couple of minutes I would hear, “mom, get my brother out of my room!” Or, “mom, tell my brother to stop sitting by me.” Followed by my son yelling back, as if he was saying “what’s your problem sister?”

But then something miraculous happened at bedtime.

My daughter was in her own bedroom watching cartoons in bed, while I was in my son’s room getting him ready for bed. As soon as his jammies were in order and I asked, “are you ready for bed?” was when he took off running down the hall (with his stuffed doggy and blanket in hand –just like his sister) towards his sister’s room. In one quick motion, he was up on her bed and cuddled under the covers next to her.

That wasn’t the miraculous part -he would scale anything to be next to his sister. 

The sweetest part was that his sister didn’t yell or push him away. Instead, she put her arm around him and pulled him closer, letting out a smile as she kissed the top of his head.

Of course bedtime was pushed back longer to allow for this to continue. Mainly for me to marvel at what was unfolding in front of my own two eyes.

Eventually he became tired and reached for me to put him to bed in his own crib. Not before he leaned back to hug and kiss his sister goodnight –undoubtedly, she reciprocated.

His love for his sister is mesmerizing. He would follow her into a burning building, that’s how much he trusts her. My daughter loves him too –I know that by the kisses she steals from him when she doesn’t think anyone is paying attention. Or the fact that she’s always concerned for his well-being and becomes emotional when he’s upset. But her love isn’t as obvious as his. It isn’t an “in your face” kind of love.

Their love is as real as the sun rising, but as realistic as any sibling relationship. As they are growing, I’m sure they’ll have days where they love each other and days where neither one of them can do anything right. They will play, they will fight. However, I am content knowing the foundation for their love and relationship is set. With that, I could rest peacefully knowing the arguing and yelling is just a small bump in their everlasting future together.