This week, was a week
of firsts for me. I dealt with a vast array of emotions and mental anguish. I cried, was
frantically biting my nails, and was nauseous for 2 days straight.
I paced in circles
around the parking lot, my feet thumbing to the beat of my heart, which was feeling pretty heavy. I couldn’t
take the unknown –Was she ok? Was she looking for me? Was she as sad as I was?
In case you were
wondering… My 4 year old started her first day of preschool… I’m not exactly
sure who was more nervous, but either way, it was a close tie.
We have talked about it
for months. She would beg to go and I would change the subject. I wasn’t ready
for her to leave the nest. I wasn’t ready for the silence of her absence. It’s
hard for me to imagine my day with only one child in my house, especially without the one who was with me every step of my life for 4 years.
I feel they get too
many years of education anyways and I wanted to savior the final year that she
was only mine, not part of the school system. But, after talking with friends,
and one who had a bad experience with a local preschool -realizing that
preschools were having too many expectations at too young of an age. I decided,
she should be granted the opportunity to be up to par with all the other
incoming kindergarteners next year. I already know intellectually she would be
fine because I spend so much time teaching her at home. But I can’t be positive
she would understand the concept of standing in a line, or to raise her hand to
speak.
These apparently are expected when approaching kindergarten –I remember
nap being the biggest task when I went to kindergarten, oh how times have
changed. So nevertheless, she was enrolled and started her three-day-a-week
excursion away from mommy.
The first day was the
hardest. I walked up to the doorway, clenching tightly onto her little hand as
we crossed the threshold. I had so many thoughts and feelings whirling around
my head, I couldn’t think clearly.
My biggest concern was,
would she become upset for some reason and search for me for comfort? –as she always
has.
That thought broke my
heart, realizing that walking through that entrance, I was walking towards her
future -One that doesn’t require mommy to make everything better. Mommy is no
longer able to intervene when things get tough, she’ll now have to learn how to
handle uncomfortable situations…
I’m still not ready to
release her into that world… She’s still a baby to me.
However, she ran into
the classroom after giving me, her nana, and poppy (who were there for support)
a big kiss and hug. I hesitated in the doorway, my knees shaky, as I watched
her age in front of my eyes. The teacher was unbelievably helpful, so sweet and
kind, as she put me in a classroom right next door to listen and wait to see
how she reacts.
She did completely
fine.
After 35 minutes of not
even a hiccup. I decided I could leave school grounds. I tip toed by the open
doorway, peeking in, to see her diligently working on an assignment.
In that moment I realized,
it was over. She did it, and she was content.
At pick up time, I of
course was there 15 minutes early, she dashed out of the classroom, with an ear
to ear smile, and into my arms stating, “it was such a great day.” I happily
responded with, “I’m so proud of you” as I pulled her in tighter.
I believe on my end,
this school year will be a very long experience. However, I also feel she is
quite happy attending. Her smile when preschool is discussed is the only thing
that is making me hold it together. I’m not sure I’ll ever get used to coming
back home after dropping her off and spending 2.5 hours alone with only my son,
but preschool is only the beginning to this attachment separation.
Sooner or later, this
day would have to come… And I would have to release her.
But thankfully, I get
to start with baby steps.
Thankfully, this is not
only helping her transition, it’s helping me too.
I will always “baby” my
children as long as I can, because that’s just my personality. I will always
run to their aid, defend them, and cuddle them when they need me –even when
they’re 30 years old. I never want them to question if it’s ok to talk to me or
discuss something with me. I want them to be so secure that they always know I will
be there to catch them if they fall…
I will never be a sink
or swim parent… I will swim alongside them as long as they want me to.
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