I was out and about, among a group of women of various ages. We were scattered among a big, Victorian house, having tea and scrumptious desserts. At some point, a group divided and was having a coffee klatch among themselves on the sun porch. I was standing against a pillar, tea in hand, overhearing the topic. The younger ones were discussing how much they couldn't wait until they are able to rear a child, while the older ones carefully listened on. I made my way over, because I couldn't miss this conversation for anything. I couldn't wait to hear these naive, young women educate the veteran mothers on how their life will be once a child enters it.
I had to laugh...
...Because I was one of those women -once upon a time.
I was that woman who had a play by play of how everything was going to go down. I had the exact time I was going to conceive (yep, I was a total calender girl) and had a perfect 9 month adventure planned out in my mind. Those months were going to be the best time of my life, complete with rainbows and butterflies.
Then, once the child was born, this baby would be superb. This baby would sleep gracefully and I would be able to go about my day and finish projects that needed endings. Because I would have control over everything. I swear, there was a disney song playing in my head -the ones where the princesses are twirling around, talking to the animals.
I remember hearing mothers talk about problems they encountered and I would think I had all the answers -how hard could it be?
One mother would complain how she couldn't get her already 12 month old to sleep through the night. I would think to myself, I can't believe she doesn't take control and MAKE that child sleep.
Because in my head, everything seemed so simple. Everything was controllable. This is a infant child we're talking about, right?
The child should sleep an X amount of hours.
Eat an X amount of hours.
Have play time an X amount of hours.
You get the picture.
I remember being in a restaurant and hearing a child complain tables over from us. Or, a child climbing under the table and I was thinking, why can't these parents control their child?
Well, I'll tell you why...
Because people are not controllable.
You can't control a child anymore than you can control a 250 lb adult male. Nor should you. These children have a completely different mindset than you ever will. Some things are more important to them, then to you, or, things are less important to them, as to you.
So with that, I now laugh at the humor of hearing a childless woman talk about all the things that will happen when they have their own child. I take it with stride because you'll never be able to talk them out of anything they're thinking.
Let's face it, having a child is one of those things you have to find out on the job.
I learned this the hard way...
I had no idea what to expect before I looked into my daughter's eyes. That perfect idea I mention above, never happened.
When I finally became pregnant with my first, after MONTHS of trying -doing ovulation math, keeping a calender, and peeing on a stick every month -I was unbelievably sick. So sick in fact, that I swore I would die at any moment. I lost about 25 lbs, couldn't eat, drink, or be merry. I slept about 18 out of 24 hours and threw up around the clock. Labor was the only easy part of the whole journey (which was 100% natural). Once born, my daughter screamed the first year of her life. Never slept, hated sleep (didn't sleep through the night until roughly 2.5 years old). Couldn't latch, had trouble eating, couldn't tolerate solids, once introduced, she screamed when I was out of sight (so I used to dance around and sing like a broadway star when I was out of sight, so she knew I was still around), and had to be touching me the majority of the time.
I think back to when I was about 30 weeks pregnant, when I was starting to feel more human, and I would tell people how my life would go...
That I'll finish painting my upstairs bedroom while the baby slept
-My daughter is 4 years old and it was never painted.
That my child would NEVER sleep in my bed
-she started sleeping in my bed around 20 months old.
I will never rock my child, she will be put down in her crib, awake, and she'll go to sleep on her own
-she was rocked until 2.5 years, hell, sometimes I still rock her at 4 years old.
She would have a schedule and follow it
-she's 4 and still doesn't have a schedule.
I would never bribe my child
-She whines and complains while I'm on an important phone call and I give her a whole bag of cookies so she'll stop. She asks, "how many?" I respond, "take the whole bag."
They will be forced to handle things and cry if they need to (suck it up method)
-Yeah, never happened, not even once.
I will never run over to my child if they fall, they'll dust themselves off and get back up
-I run over as they're falling and hug them until they stop sobbing.
My children will never eat fast food -NEVER
-She eats Wendy's frequently.
My children will never eat a hot dog
-Hot dogs actually have become a staple,
My children will sit perfectly at a restaurant and never misbehave
-I'm the one with my children crawling under the table and sitting indian style on the floor, eating their food.
I will never hold my children for a duration
-I have bought wraps and slings to carry both of them for hours, daily.
My children will get dressed easily and walk out the door with ease
-Sometimes, they run out shoeless because it's just not worth the argument.
I will never be that parent who makes their kids their whole life. I will divide my time equally
-My children are my extension and neither have been away longer than 24 hours (rarity), except once when my son was born. They are, in fact, my whole life.
As you can see, I was too, that person. The know it all. I'm sure most of you had some idea of how life would be. And I'm sure it never turned out that way. One of my close friend's son was born 6 weeks ahead of my daughter and he was an excellent baby. I remember looking at him and thinking, "wow, this is easy." He was easily content and always happy. Obviously, he was a bad child to be around before my daughter -hindsight 20/20.
I was lucky with round two, my son was that easily content, happy baby. He slept on command, followed all the general rules, and entertained himself. However, I often wonder if he was a better baby because I had lower expectations this time around.
As time lapses, life regains itself. Raising children becomes easier. The problems become more complicated, but the neediness fades away, allowing your brain to focus more. Therefore, seemingly, easier. Problems become trivial when you sleep more and you don't have a child asking you 10,000 questions a minute.
Having a child is one of the weirdest things in life. It's the hardest, most complicated adventure, but it can only be explored once you are a parent. Someone could tell you every gory details, but you'll always think, "that won't be me," because no one really knows until you're living it.
On this parenting journey, I have been brought down to reality and now living among the veteran moms, giggling at the irony of the new generation awaiting their turn.
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