Friday, February 12, 2021

This is a story about my miscarriage that occurred on my 30th birthday...

**Disclaimer: Trigger warning... This post is about pregnancy and loss - contains some graphic details... This is MY story and my feelings. Your experiences and feelings may be different.**


9 years ago today, I was newly pregnant with baby #2. This pregnancy took a lot longer to conceive, than it did with my daughter. So, when I first found out I was pregnant, I held tightly onto that information. I wanted to keep it between my close friends and immediate family... I felt like if I advertised it to the world, it wouldn't feel as special as it did during that moment...   

On my 30th birthday, I walked into my 14 week scan to get a routine check up because, I had a subchorionic bleed - I had this same condition with my daughter, so I wasn't that concerned. Everything turned out fine the first time around, so I figured the same would transpire with this one as well. It's funny how your brain convinces you of certain things... At that point, I was used to all the scans and appointments. In fact, they always eased my whirling mind during those early weeks. 

I was still reeling from the excitement and love from my surprise party that occurred just two days prior. Ironically, this was the only prenatal appointment that I have gone to solo. But, I reassured my husband that it was routine and by this time, the clot should have corrected itself and after this appointment, we'd be back to normal - It was such a hassle having him leave work for these weekly appointments.

I sat in the little room alone, replaying my milestone birthday party over and over again. I remember tapping the metal torcher table and counting the ceiling tiles (I didn't own a smart phone at this time, otherwise, I would have been on it). I was remembering how my daughter just turned 18 months and she stole the show at the party. I smiled at the joy of having all my friends and family in one location and laughing at the inside jokes that were made - And remembering, how lucky I felt...

The doctor came in the room, with his trusty nurse beside him. He sat down beside me and reviewed everything with me. We discussed how I felt and how everything was progressing so far. My stomach was already showing a little - the joys of a second pregnancy. I continued to tell him all about my weird craving combo of pepperoncinis and sour worms - we laughed. And, how nauseated I was, but grateful I wasn't violently ill, like I was with my daughter. He told me everything looked great, but he wanted to run another scan to check how the clot was progressing... He hoped it was gone so we could go back to normal visits and I could finally declare my public pregnancy announcement - exactly what I was thinking, too.

I walked down the hall with the nurse, into the little sonogram room. Before walking out the door, the nurse turned back and said, "pepperoncinis and sour worms, really?" I laughed and told her how I loved dipping the sour worms in the juice... Pregnancy does some weird things to your taste buds. The sonographer giggled... The sonographer and I have become casual friends for how often I was there with my daughter and now this little one. 

As soon as the procedure began, I noticed something was off. I cracked a few jokes, but her face remained still... I immediately felt the air thicken around me and the room close in. My cheeks were flush as I noticed the change in her face and her eyes squint. She nonchalantly moved the monitor away from me and that's when I choked up the words, "there's no heart beat, right?" as the tears begun to fill my eyes... I just knew it. She had it written all over her face... She slowly placed the wand on the cold metal table beside me and said, "the doctor would be in to see me." And, she mouthed the words, "I'm sorry" as she walked out, closing the door behind her. 

And there I sat, alone again...

My head fell into my hands as I sobbed... I sobbed for someone I didn't even know. Someone who I already had hopes and dreams for. Someone I already adored.

I called my husband at work, barely able to speak the words. But somehow, he knew and was already at my car waiting for me, before I left the appointment. 

The doctor came back in to verify my observations. He told me I had what was called a missed miscarriage. Something I have never heard of. Meaning, my body still thought I was pregnant - Everything progressed along as if I was still pregnant. However, the baby had passed.

He assured me that he wanted to wait a few days to see what my body does on its own. And then, we would have another scan just to verify that this one was correct.

Valentine's Day was in two days, so they scheduled the D&C for February 15th... I was now to go back home with my baby still inside me, while I waited to see if he or she would pass on their own. 

It's amazing how in moments of tragedy, people come to your aid... When I walked out of the appointment, I fell into my husband's arms. I felt the weight of the world. I wanted to scream. I wanted to yell at someone. I desperately wanted to blame someone... Then, I came home to a house filled with my parents and best friend - who had a big chocolate cake in her hand... She knew me so well. And, I will always remember that detail.

We all talked and I sobbed...

The next day was a blur... I don't remember much from that day. My parents kept my daughter at their house overnight and I believe I just slept.

The day after, Valentine's Day, I was having dinner at my parent's home. The whole day, I had minor cramping and bleeding, but nothing to make a fuss about. However, this was the first day that I felt something different.

We were just getting ready to sit down for dinner. I pulled out the dining room chair and before sitting down, I immediately felt a huge gush come out of me... I stood there and began to panic. I wasn't sure if it was blood, a baby, or something else... This time, my sobbing wasn't sadness, but urgent. It was fear.

My father and brother immediately grabbed my daughter and brought her upstairs to distract her. My mom and I went into the bathroom, where my husband had to practically carry me because I was so faint.

I don't think the miscarriage hit me the two days prior. I don't think I really understood what occurred because, it wasn't tangible. There was nothing that I could feel that said I had a miscarriage. So, I left the appointment sad because of words that were spoken, but nothing physical. Plus, I still had the baby with me. So, I guess I just held onto the tiniest bit of hope - Hope that their high powered technology was wrong. 

But, in that moment, I knew what was happening. I knew this was the end... And, I felt all the emotions flood through me at once.

My husband frantically called the doctor's office to see how to proceed. Which obviously, he told us to go to the ER. But, in that moment, we were all so emotional that the thought hadn't even occurred to us - My husband just lost his baby, my parent's just lost their grandchild, and my brother lost his niece or nephew... It was like we were all frozen.

I sat in the backseat of my parent's car on a big black hefty bag. I never thought that much blood could come from a human and still live to talk about it. The contractions felt like early labor and the pain was increasing with every minute that ticked by. I was in this weird limbo realm of pain, sadness, and fear. My crying slowed, as I blankly stared out the window. My husband's and mother's voices were muffled as they talked around me... Everything slowed...

When the scans were complete, it was voiced to us that everything had passed - I no longer needed a D&C. So, I spent my Valentine's Day in a small ER room with my husband and mother and the most compassionate ER staff that I have ever encountered... I guess when you lose a baby, you see a different side to people. The once frazzled, tired, and overworked staff suddenly had time. They had time to rub my head as I cried and coach me down as I panicked over seeing huge clots come out of me. 

My 30th birthday and that Valentine's Day will always be the days I lost my baby. Instead of just remembering that awesome surprise party, this memory steals the show... These two significant days will always stick with me for eternity... But, what I learned from this is, family will always be there for you. Friends will drop whatever they're doing to bring you cake and others, will sit on the phone with you for hours.

As I celebrate my 39th birthday today, I'm so happy where my life is today... I am grateful for my rainbow baby, who is now 8 years old. And, that both of my children are so incredibly healthy. I am so grateful that I only lived through one of these horrific experiences, when there are so many women who have had multiple miscarriages or even full term ones... I don't know how you women find the strength - You are warriors!

I know miscarriages are a taboo subject, which is so odd because it's a death. I know there are a lot of people who know me in real life and, they don't even know that I went through this - because, it was kept quiet. And looking back, I'm not sure why... Why did I feel ashamed? Why did I feel like I couldn't talk about it to others outside of our immediate circle.

You shouldn't only be able to talk about miscarriages during the designated miscarriage awareness day. Instead, it should be part of conversations. It should be known how common these are. And, how people have different experiences. 

It's therapeutic to talk about it. It's healthy to grieve. And, at that time, I felt like I had to stuff all my emotions inside of me to move forward and get on with my life. I felt like no one would really care. And, if I spent too much time talking about it, people would be bothered by it... Which is so bizarre that this is our initial thought...

We need to normalize things women experience. We need to normalize how miscarriage is a true loss, no matter how far along the family was - and families need time to process it all, surrounded by love and support. 

My hope is, my story will encourage others to talk about their story and maybe, not feel so alone...

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