It's been awhile...

Oh my... It's been a hot minute, hasn't it?

Actually, it's almost been a full year since I posted on here...

Times have surely changed. Back in 2013, I started this blog as a way to normalize my stifled feelings of being a respectful parent, in a world where no one else thought the same as me.

My small town felt suffocating, as I knew I had to do it all differently than what I was seeing around me.

So, this site was created to flush out thoughts and share my perspective - maybe in hindsight, it was also a way to validate my style when everyone else thought I was crazy...

Then, as my children grew (and technology grew), I focused more on my Instagram... And, that is where all my attention lies currently. -And this site quickly fell to the wayside.

My Instagram boasts a following of almost 15k and my posts are shared far and wide... I have immense interactions in my DMs and I have met some pretty awesome people over there, whom I call friends.

But, I must say, I do miss this old fashioned dynamic - The simple world of story telling. And, the ability to write more than a limited caption allows... I do miss this website... And, I'm thinking about bringing it back - like, crop tops and leggings!

But, how?

Instagram allows me to post my creative words and then people share and comment. I'm able to quickly interact with a community within seconds. Whereas, on websites, it feels so distant.

And, do people really read things anymore?

Is that still a thing?

Because, I do miss storytelling... 

My Instagram is focused more on education. I'd like this site to be the behind the scenes of my educational posts. This place will be the words that fill in the blanks of those short memes I post... The hows, the whys, and the lifestyle of raising an almost 13 year old daughter and an almost 11 year old son.

So, gather round folks! While I attempt to bring back a blog, in a world of REELS and 60 second videos (which I'm horrible at - I'm so much better with writing, than videos).

Boy, this will be an uphill battle! 

Stay tuned! 

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My Instagram is filled with a plethora of posts and educational captions. You can check out my Instagram and follow me there by clicking here

Childism is alive and well...

Childism is alive and well. It exist because, people have allowed it to exist. Children don't have a single ounce of control or right to their own life, but are suddenly expected to "be adults" when they're 18 years old.

Even though I shouldn't be, I'm always shocked at what parents robotically do to their children, just because it's an accepted societal practice... There are parents who don't agree with certain things, but do it anyways because, someone of authority-like said so... I think back to the time I was so vocal about the wrongdoings of my daughter's Intermediate school and the parents just said things like, "well, the school knows best." Or, "kids need harsh discipline."

But, what really boils my blood is this trend that seems to occur in my region (I'm not sure if this exist everywhere)... Dentists who won't allow a parent back with their child - even if that child is 2 years old.

Personally, I wish every family would get up and walk out of every dentist, who doesn't allow a parent back with their child.

The reason this exists is, because it's allowed...

You'd never let your 5 year old go back to a doctor's appointment all alone without you there - and a dentist is so much more frightening to children.
Hell, a child isn't even allowed to be legally questioned without an adult present.

I stand by two schools of thought... There are two reasons an adult wants to be alone with a child and not have the parent there - 1, They are being aggressive towards that child and they don't want the parent to see. Or, 2, they're being nefarious... Otherwise, it wouldn't matter.

It blows my mind the level of conditioning that occurs to separate children from their families. We're conditioned to believe that it's normal to hand over our 6 week old baby to daycare staff. And, we are conditioned to believe that putting our children in an institution with full control over your child and YOU for 13 years, is a rite of passage and something that will make them succeed.

Children are ours to protect and keep safe... But somehow, they are the lowest rung of society. They put all their blind trust and love into adults. And yet, adults keep failing them.

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The fleeting days of childhood...

The one thing every parent has in common is, they feel like there is never enough time...

Time seems to pass at an alarming rate when we have children. But, there is also a chaotic mixture of watching the clock tick by and wondering where the day went.

Parents are caught between work, errands, piles of never ending laundry, dishes, and every other facet of adulting, while trying to find time for their children.

Balance is hard.

Some either lean to one side or the other. But, very few parents have figured out the perfect mixture.

So, I'm here to remind you to put down the laundry and stuff it into the nearest closet. Use it as a dresser for the next few days and pull clean clothes out of it. Or shove it hastily into drawers - I don't care what you do with it. But, put down whatever you're doing and go make some connections with your children.

Go build blocks on the floor with them. Run through the rain. Swing on some swings. Have a dance party. Or, jump on a scooter and have some races - like I am doing in this photo.

Be a kid, with your kids!

Whatever it is, take the time to get onto your child's level and be present in the moment with them. Even if it's just for a little bit - quality is so much better than quantity.

It's true that they'll never remember how clean the house was or how perfectly folded the clothes are. But, they will remember the day you raced them on a too-small-for-you-scooter and lost, by a lot... They'll remember the moments they laughed so hard, they fell over... They'll remember the nights you let them stay up past their bedtime for a backyard fire... Or, the times you attempted a flip on the trampoline (and didn't succeed)...

That's what they'll remember from childhood.

There isn't a pause button that we can click, so we can finish that last dish in the sink - as your child is trying to tell you a story about their favorite character from Mickey Mouse... Instead, the endless mundane cycles of adulthood will always remain. But your child won't be this age forever...

Go enjoy it❤

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Make sure you're following me on my Instagram @the_happy_days

40 trips around the sun...

40 years old is one of those ages when a lot of self evaluation suddenly takes place... One minute, you're flying high on the coat-tails of your youth. And the next, your back hurts from sleeping weird.

I don't fear aging... I'm not one of those girls who begins to stare in the mirror and analyzes her sudden aging flaws... In my family, there has been so many deaths, at such young ages. I honestly view 40 years old as a magnificent milestone. Being 40 feels like an achievement that I worked very hard for. So, I am grateful for the chance to celebrate being this age.

Throughout my years, I've had the opportunity (and thankfully, the awareness) to grow. I feel, with each passing year, I become a better version of myself - and my competitive nature never lets me feel satisfied with my status, which leaves me always wanting to improve. 

My journey of growth began when I first became a mother... I know I know, it's a cliche, but my children truly shaped me into who I am today... But, like a lot of mothers, I could never find the proper balance in my life. I had immense difficulty juggling being a mother and a person - Honestly, I still don't have it figured out yet. But, as my children age, their maturity is forcing me to figure it out. They are growing into their own person and biologically pulling away from "mom" -which is completely normal. However, this is leaving me left alone with a person who is unrecognizable...

My 20s were about self discovery of who I was away from my parents. Those were the years of selfishness and trial and errors... My 30s were my self discovery of who I was as a new mother. These were also years of trial and error, but also, loss of an identity... And, I believe my 40s will be a self discovery journey of who I am as a mother and a new person. 

I will navigate these years, trying to figure out how to proceed as my children grow a life of their own. I have to begin to discover who I am outside of "mom"... What are my likes? My interests? It sounds funny, but a decade is a long time to enter into limbo.

What I do know is, I am going into my 40s as a strict vegan, gluten-free, and soy-free human. My hair is almost completely grown out gray. I have a newly diagnosed health condition (POTS/neurocardiogenic syncope) and lasting COVID symptoms -including my hair falling out... I lost 40 lbs and besides my erratic heart, I feel the best I have in my life... My children are 11 and 9 years old and I've been with my husband for 19 years... I have done respectful/attachment parenting from day one and my relationship with my children has been so rewarding. 

Oh, and I made it in my college's Hall Of Fame for field hockey this past year...

I feel like the 40s are the new 20s. This is that second round of being care-free and living life for yourself. Our children are older now and we're all much wiser. 

I feel excitement entering into this age bracket -like I should be sitting around a table with a group of my friends and toasting to new beginnings, or something like that... I really feel these are my years to shine - Sure, I'll never taste gluten again or have a pop tart... But honestly, I'm ready for it all...

Because, my life is about to change drastically this decade - just as it did for my 30s. And hopefully at the end of it, I would have figured out the balancing act so much better than I did in my 30s...

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I am always posting daily stories and writings in my feed over on Instagram... I would love to write in this space consistently, but I can't promise that lol. Although, I can promise continuous content on my Instagram. So go follow me there by clicking this link --> The_Happy_Days

Taking control of my health...

In less than a year, I'll be 40 years old... That number freaks me out so much, it's actually suffocating... And, it's not for a surface reason, like, I'm just getting older - Instead, my younger years are now behind me and I'm on the downslope to life. And, let's face it, I'm a child of the 1980s and that means, I haven't taken care of myself... At all.

My childhood and teens consisted of drinking Shasta soda out of a can, as young as 2 years old. Consuming poptarts, pizza rolls, and frozen TV dinners. And, eating Taco Bell and Dominoes Pizza after midnight... My diet was either processed foods, genetically modified, and had so many dyes in them, that Crayola would be jealous.

And, sometimes I wouldn't eat a fruit or vegetable for 6 months...

Oh, and we microwaved everything...

I used aluminum deodorants, sulfates and parabens in my shampoos, and lathering myself with liquid soap that only a chemist could decipher the ingredients - but gosh, it smelled so pretty!

I have all my vaccines, took antibiotics every time I had a sniffle, and popped ibuprofen consistently for 4 years during field hockey, due to my stress fractures and shin splints...

We grew up in a time where food was instant and hygiene and self care products were more about flare, rather than health.

I mean, cereal was thought to be a health food...

As I aged, I realized so much of what I was putting in my body and on my body was contributing to my declining health...

After doctor appointments and testing, I am rolling in the rest of this year, and eternity, with a new lifestyle...

2021 will signify growth and new beginnings, as it has for so many others...

My last hair dye was right before Christmas 2020. And, I recently have been gluten-free (1 month) and vegetarian (3 months). And, I'm trying so hard to be dairy free - But, this one seems to be my Everest... I no longer eat processed, prepackaged foods, or anything with dyes in it.

I've also made changes along the way, like, I haven't used a microwave and stopped using non stick pans about 11 years ago. I haven't used foil or plastic in about 5 years. And, hygiene and self care products were already switched to organic or homemade items. And, I've never worn make up, so that was simple👍

My children have eaten this way and lived this way since birth - It was just really hard for me to convert - I mean, poptarts are the greatest tasting thing ever! But, I couldn't continue down that road, living the Western lifestyle, as long as I have...

40 is going to be a celebration, not a fearful time that my life is deteriorating. By that time, hopefully all my ailments will be non-existent and the thought of reaching 95 years old, will feel obtainable...

Because, we know so much more now, than we ever did years prior. We know that the Western lifestyle is the unhealthiest. We know that America has the lowest standards when it comes to our food supply. We know that our mindset is to take medications for ailments, so we can continue living the same lifestyle, without ever changing anything.

We've become so accustomed to this... But, food should be nurturing, not causing distress.

We shouldn't be feeling so sick, achy, bloated, uncomfortable, etc, all the time.

We should be thriving...

And, that's how I'm going to live the next half of my life ❤

How many of you fit into this category?

**Disclaimer: This post is about my experience... The information provided, is what my doctor recommended for me to do. This post is not intended to treat, diagnosis, or offer advice with what you should be doing with your life. This is only written from my viewpoint, about myself.**

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Follow me on Instagram @the_happy_days for daily posts and videos in my stories.

How did this become mom shaming?

Since when did voicing a different parental opinion become mom shaming?

How did this begin?

And, the crazy part is, it's only mom shaming when you disagree with the norm...

In a mom group, a mom asked about letting her baby cry it out - she wanted advice... Of course, she was met with a lot of people giving her options and pointers... Because, let's face it, crying it out is the standard norm for parenting... So, at no point would anyone think that by saying you agree with crying it out, that would be mom shaming towards someone who didn't agree with it...

But alas, there were moms who wrote their distaste for crying it out... They wrote why they felt it was harmful and why they were against it...

Well, would you guess the moderators turned off the comments for that post. And, a separate post was written about how disappointed they were in the group because of the judgemental mom shaming... Like we were being scolded at - like children.

But, why were only the ones who didn't agree with crying it out get called the mom shamers? Why were they the only ones listed as being judgemental? Why not the ones who voiced their strong opinions on why they liked it? Why weren't they considered judgemental towards the ones who disagreed?

I'll tell you why...

Because, any type of peaceful/respectful parenting is too progressive and makes people uncomfortable. Then, mob mentality takes over and people join in with the norm... And, if more percentage of people believe one thing, then that's the gold standard and anything else is wrong.

How about this... I always get mom shamed for my parenting, but I'm not allowed to say it... Before I weeded out my personal page, I used to get shamed for posting our adventures and simple fun we would have... I was told that I spend too much time with my kids. Or, I should figure out a better balance between my life and my kids. That I was weird. I needed to find a hobby... etc... I was even told that my posts and blog writings made a mom feel like she was a bad parent and I should stop posting so much.

If I ever mentioned that was considered shaming, I'd be told to get over myself - It's not the same thing.

How is that ok?

Well, society deemed it ok because as parents, we're all supposed to be a hot mess and drink our wine and pray for bedtime and then go on social media and talk negatively about our children... And, if you don't fit into that box, then you're shaming the ones who do.

But, if you have your life together and enjoy your children, you're shaming the ones who don't have their life together.

And, posting all these positive things, are making other people feel bad, so you should stop.

However, at no point, are we allowed to say that we're being shamed by them...

Do you understand any of this?
No, you don't?🤔

It's because there is no logic and it's annoying and ignorant and should be stopped...

Parent however you want. But understand that there are right and wrong things. Understand that there are things better for children, than not. Understand that science actually supports that crying it out is harmful - however, society does it because, life is so demanding that parents feel they have to do it.

Do whatever you want... But don't call it shaming because, you didn't hear what you wanted hear.

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Follow me on Instagram @ the_happy_days for daily posts and storytelling...

Being fearless and driven go a long way...

This girl is fearless and driven... Traits I never even dreamed of having at only 10 years old... She knows exactly what she wants and how to get there. And, the kicker is, she has a back up plan if none of it manifests... What 10 year old has a career back up plan?

She's an old soul - she's not 10 going on 16. Instead, she's 10 going on 30. She just looks at the world differently, than most children her age... I think that's why she had difficulty in school with kids her age - she can't relate to them - Instead, she'd rather be in a room full of adults, than 10/11 year olds any day.

Since she was little, she has always said she wanted to be a singer (Seeing that she was already speaking sentences by her first birthday - she already memorized and knew the melody of every nursery rhyme song and cartoon musical intro by 18 months old). When she would tell me this, I'd shrug it off and say, "that's awesome girlie." And move on, never thinking much of it... I mean, every kid says they want to be a singer, a princess, an astronaut, etc. But eventually, it fades.

For her, it just dug deeper.

She felt the music within her soul. And, it was calling out to her...

She answered it by entering into competitions at only 6 years old - and winning. She answered it by enrolling in theatre - where she also found a love for acting, too. And, she answered it by auditioning for a professional vocal coach to increase her likelihood of success...

Every stage she steps on, is a step closer to the life she wants. Each performance is a learning experience and a chance for her to work out the kinks, before the bigger picture emerges... Sure, she loves winning trophies and medals, but one day, she hopes to sell out Madison Square Garden. And, these performances are the practice she needs to achieve her goal.

This weekend was the first time she performed in over a year. She was nervous, yet confident. And, when she stepped out onto that stage, you'd never know the nerves she felt in the wings...

She amazes me with her courage. And, I feel so lucky to watch her bloom.

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Don't teach your daughter that abuse is a sign of love...

"Never tell your daughter that when a boy is mean or rude to her, it's because he has a crush on her. Don't teach her that abuse is a sign of love."

This actually happened to my daughter when she was in public elementary... My daughter was pushed down by a boy at recess - she had elbow and knee scrapes to the point that she was bandaged up.

I never received a call or anything.

At pick up, I saw this and immediately asked, "what the heck happened!" Because, I was that shocked... She told me, a boy pushed her down at recess and when she told the teacher, the boy didn't get yelled at. Instead, the teacher told her that he probably likes her, because "boys do things like that, when they like girls." And, that was the end of the conversation... My daughter said, the teacher made her feel like she did something wrong.

I quickly turned the car around and drove right to the office to seek out this teacher... I came in hot and vented to the office staff, who were very taken back by the teacher's actions... I reiterated how it's not the teacher's place to offer advice on a topic that doesn't involve her. That, the teacher's sole job was to make sure my daughter was ok. Not to make her feel like she did something wrong and just point her to the direction of the nurse's office... And, I did state that it's perfectly ok if she wants to raise her children to believe this old world notion, but I refuse to teach either of my children this logic - especially, my daughter...

Ironically, it just so happened that the teacher in question was standing in the back of the office and heard the whole thing. She looked as if she wanted to crawl into a hole to hide. She slowly sauntered over and started to apologize. But, I didn't want to hear her apology - I just wanted her to understand her place as a teacher - and, it's not to share her moral objectives to her students.

These things will continue to happen to our children, until adults take a stand and stop it. These old world ideals will eventually change, only when adults start respecting children and treating them like they're humans - not second rate citizens.

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The one year anniversary of the Pandemic... A mother's story.

Disclaimer: This article is about my experiences and they may be very different than yours... I live in a small town, in a rural area, so we never had the numbers that other areas had. I'm grateful for all the workers in the Health industry who fought tirelessly everyday, around the clock. I understand some of you had to sacrifice time with your own family, to keep them safe. And, I'm also grateful to all the essential workers who kept up our supplies and kept the world running... I'm thankful for all of you...  

A year ago today, all of our lives were forever changed... The weeks leading up to this day, I sat glued in front of the television screen, as we all collectively watched COVID spread across the world and ultimately ending in our home towns.

A year ago today, I stood outside of my son's school, awaiting pick-up, as I received a robo call that still haunts me to this day... It read: School is closed until further notice...

It felt like an opening scene in an apocalyptic movie.

Last March, we cut ourselves off from the rest of the world, until almost June. I made a decision that I felt most comfortable with - And, I did what I felt was right, with the information I had.

It was scary... And no one really knew what was going on from one day to the next. Doctors, hospitals, administrators, CDC, the WHO, no one knew how to help all these sick people... So, mama bear kicked in and I took control of an uncontrollable situation and made the decision to keep us safe the only way I knew how -- keeping us together.

Our State of Emergency officially begun that Monday, March 16, 2020. That Monday, everything non-essential was shut down... Scene two, of an apocalyptic movie... With no where to go and not wanting to leave, I quickly fell into this trap of watching the News around the clock. Those first few days, I flinched every time a notification beeped through my phone. I begun to feel so much fear from the chaos - There was just so much death being shown... The uncertainty was excruciating... Our weather was still cold and the sun stayed hidden among the clouds... It was so easy to stay in that fear - to stay in that mindset... Because, the unknown is just so frightening...

But, like a switch, I suddenly decided to shut off the TV and disconnect my notifications on my phone. I decided, if we were going to stay in this bubble, it would be memorable... In that moment, I decided we were going to live, instead of falling into this seclusion and succumb to fear.

So, we lived... Every day...

The thought occurred to me that decades from now, this pandemic will always be spoken about. It will be taught in History classes, just like the Plague and Spanish Flu. This pandemic will live on for generations... So, I wanted my children to have a happy memory. I wanted to close them off from all the darkness that was happening around them, and leave them with memories of sunshine and happiness...

A year later, so many adults and children are suffering from depression and anxieties. Kids are under tremendous pressure from schools. And, parents are left feeling that their children are behind - And children are feeling like they're failing...

This was something I didn't want to manifest with my children... But, thankfully were already homeschooled. So, the transition was flawless and we even incorporated lessons into our outdoor days. However, school work wasn't the focus... I wanted to make sure their mental health was the priority.

As this anniversary approached, my daughter spoke so much of all the events leading up to this time. She had just landed a leading role in her community theatre, she was flourishing in homeschool, and she just entered this cool rhythm where she was attending her in-person specials at her old school with her friends... 

When she speaks of the lockdown, she remembers it as such a joyous time. She talks about our long walks and our outdoor adventures. She reminisces of staying up late and video chatting with friends. She remembers only the good of that time... 

And, the time flew!

My children remember walking through the woods in our PJs and having lunch on a log, while laughing because a piece of cheese fell onto the leaves below. They remember our patio fires at 2:00 pm on a Tuesday and eating dinner on a blanket. They remember our walks and hanging out for hours in a cemetery, just to make sure we steered clear of other people who were out and about. 

I think they remember most of all, a time where anything was fair game and expectations were limited... We literally had no where to go and nothing to do.

But, what brings me joy is, my children never talk about the pandemic as being more than just an concept. They never had any fear or stress. I did, everyday. But, that wasn't their weight to carry... And, hearing them speak about how much they enjoyed that time being together was honestly one of my proudest parenting moments. Because, in the end, they only saw the good. They never felt what I was feeling on the inside.

We as parents, have this innate instinct to protect our children. I'm just so grateful I had the opportunity to do it.

Not one of us knew how to navigate parenting during a pandemic... How would we? It wasn't like there was a, "What To Expect, While There Is A Natural Disaster," book out there... We all did what we could, to keep our families safe. Some of us had an easier time in seclusion. While others did not. We were lucky to discover that we do wonderfully together... And, I'm grateful we had the means to do it.

A year later, I count my blessings that we are not only physically healthy, but mentally healthy as well. I'm grateful that I am a stay at home mom where my children are my only responsibility... And, my heart breaks for those who had to juggle it all, while still trying to stay safe.

Years from now, we all get to tell our story... Each one of us have an individual story that is tailored to our own personal experience during that time... And, when my children tell theirs, it won't be about a pandemic where hundreds of thousands of people lost their lives or their livelihoods. Instead, thankfully, they can tell a calming story about love and peace... A time when life slowed down and we literally stopped to smell the roses. How a normal chaotic life, led to a moment in time where you could sit in a field and feel the sun against your skin. 

There is so much darkness and sadness in this world on any occasion. All I tried to do as a parent, was add some sunshine on an incredibly dark time... And, I thank my lucky stars I had the privilege to do so...

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Our Respectful Parenting Lifestyle...

Imagine for a second that you're at a restaurant with all your friends. You are all laughing at the table and having such a great time. The waiter comes over and hands you your drink, while you're in mid conversation. Now, imagine that your friend next to you immediately cuts you off and loudly projects, "I didn't hear you say thank you to the waiter. Say thank you." 

What would you do? 

Say thank you? 

Or completely shift gears and pull yourself inward and close yourself off to everyone around? 

That scenario sounds absolutely ridiculous, right? It's shaming to an extreme level, right? Well, it's exactly what we do to our children - all the time. 

Our children receive such mixed messages from adults... Children are expected to act like adults; not have big feelings in public, sit still when told, cooperate in all situations, etc. 

...But, they're not treated like adults. 

...They're never given that same respect.

Respectful parenting isn't about letting your children get away with everything and having no rules... It's about respecting your children enough for them to live their own life - It's allowing them to set their own boundaries and know their limits. It's allowing them the freedom to use their voice, without punishment. It's about them being who they were meant to be, not who you want them to be.

I know, I know... I hear it all the time... "I tried to use peaceful parenting, but it just didn't work for me." That's because, respectful parenting is a lifestyle, not a strategy... It's not something you can pick up on whim and expect it to work when you want it to work... It's a life form of its own... 

It's about constant conversations and mutual respect between the parent and child - and it definitely involves no punishment. Because, we as parents are supposed to be guiding our developing children, not punishing them because, their decisions weren't perfectly executed. It's a lifestyle that is started at birth and carried throughout their lives... It's allowing them to make their own mistakes and understand that their incorrect actions weren't a direct dig at you. But instead, it's about them trying to figure out the world around them... I think if most people understood that sentence, they would parent differently. 

Respectful parenting is about understanding your child, on their level... The same way you would for your best friend...

I get looked at weirdly when I tell people that my children never went through terrible twos, bad toddler years, or bratty times... I get called some fancy name and then, it's automatically assumed that I'm trying to mom shame others because, we didn't have the same experiences... The only difference to each scenario is, I have never once attempted to dominate or control my children, so they never felt the need to rebel.

While other 10 year old girls are trying to get as far away from their parents as possible. I have the one who would rather be with me, than friends... And, it's not that I'm trying to be that parent who is "besties" with her daughter - it's not like that at all. We're 100% parent and child. But, my daughter doesn't feel that intimidating authoritarianism from me... And, that's the difference...

The difference is, she is comfortable to sit down and talk to me. She doesn't hesitate to come to me when things are weird or she needs help navigating things... 

It's like that famous saying, "if you don't listen to the small stuff, they won't come to you for the big stuff." And, that has been a big mantra in my parenting.

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This is a story about my miscarriage that occurred on my 30th birthday...

**Disclaimer: Trigger warning... This post is about pregnancy and loss - contains some graphic details... This is MY story and my feelings. Your experiences and feelings may be different.**

9 years ago today, I was newly pregnant with baby #2. This pregnancy took a lot longer to conceive, than it did with my daughter. So, when I first found out I was pregnant, I held tightly onto that information. I wanted to keep it between my close friends and immediate family... I felt like if I advertised it to the world, it wouldn't feel as special as it did during that moment...   

On my 30th birthday, I walked into my 14 week scan to get a routine check up because, I had a subchorionic bleed - I had this same condition with my daughter, so I wasn't that concerned. Everything turned out fine the first time around, so I figured the same would transpire with this one as well. It's funny how your brain convinces you of certain things... At that point, I was used to all the scans and appointments. In fact, they always eased my whirling mind during those early weeks. 

I was still reeling from the excitement and love from my surprise party that occurred just two days prior. Ironically, this was the only prenatal appointment that I have gone to solo. But, I reassured my husband that it was routine and by this time, the clot should have corrected itself and after this appointment, we'd be back to normal - It was such a hassle having him leave work for these weekly appointments.

I sat in the little room alone, replaying my milestone birthday party over and over again. I remember tapping the metal torcher table and counting the ceiling tiles (I didn't own a smart phone at this time, otherwise, I would have been on it). I was remembering how my daughter just turned 18 months and she stole the show at the party. I smiled at the joy of having all my friends and family in one location and laughing at the inside jokes that were made - And remembering, how lucky I felt...

The doctor came in the room, with his trusty nurse beside him. He sat down beside me and reviewed everything with me. We discussed how I felt and how everything was progressing so far. My stomach was already showing a little - the joys of a second pregnancy. I continued to tell him all about my weird craving combo of pepperoncinis and sour worms - we laughed. And, how nauseated I was, but grateful I wasn't violently ill, like I was with my daughter. He told me everything looked great, but he wanted to run another scan to check how the clot was progressing... He hoped it was gone so we could go back to normal visits and I could finally declare my public pregnancy announcement - exactly what I was thinking, too.

I walked down the hall with the nurse, into the little sonogram room. Before walking out the door, the nurse turned back and said, "pepperoncinis and sour worms, really?" I laughed and told her how I loved dipping the sour worms in the juice... Pregnancy does some weird things to your taste buds. The sonographer giggled... The sonographer and I have become casual friends for how often I was there with my daughter and now this little one. 

As soon as the procedure began, I noticed something was off. I cracked a few jokes, but her face remained still... I immediately felt the air thicken around me and the room close in. My cheeks were flush as I noticed the change in her face and her eyes squint. She nonchalantly moved the monitor away from me and that's when I choked up the words, "there's no heart beat, right?" as the tears begun to fill my eyes... I just knew it. She had it written all over her face... She slowly placed the wand on the cold metal table beside me and said, "the doctor would be in to see me." And, she mouthed the words, "I'm sorry" as she walked out, closing the door behind her. 

And there I sat, alone again...

My head fell into my hands as I sobbed... I sobbed for someone I didn't even know. Someone who I already had hopes and dreams for. Someone I already adored.

I called my husband at work, barely able to speak the words. But somehow, he knew and was already at my car waiting for me, before I left the appointment. 

The doctor came back in to verify my observations. He told me I had what was called a missed miscarriage. Something I have never heard of. Meaning, my body still thought I was pregnant - Everything progressed along as if I was still pregnant. However, the baby had passed.

He assured me that he wanted to wait a few days to see what my body does on its own. And then, we would have another scan just to verify that this one was correct.

Valentine's Day was in two days, so they scheduled the D&C for February 15th... I was now to go back home with my baby still inside me, while I waited to see if he or she would pass on their own. 

It's amazing how in moments of tragedy, people come to your aid... When I walked out of the appointment, I fell into my husband's arms. I felt the weight of the world. I wanted to scream. I wanted to yell at someone. I desperately wanted to blame someone... Then, I came home to a house filled with my parents and best friend - who had a big chocolate cake in her hand... She knew me so well. And, I will always remember that detail.

We all talked and I sobbed...

The next day was a blur... I don't remember much from that day. My parents kept my daughter at their house overnight and I believe I just slept.

The day after, Valentine's Day, I was having dinner at my parent's home. The whole day, I had minor cramping and bleeding, but nothing to make a fuss about. However, this was the first day that I felt something different.

We were just getting ready to sit down for dinner. I pulled out the dining room chair and before sitting down, I immediately felt a huge gush come out of me... I stood there and began to panic. I wasn't sure if it was blood, a baby, or something else... This time, my sobbing wasn't sadness, but urgent. It was fear.

My father and brother immediately grabbed my daughter and brought her upstairs to distract her. My mom and I went into the bathroom, where my husband had to practically carry me because I was so faint.

I don't think the miscarriage hit me the two days prior. I don't think I really understood what occurred because, it wasn't tangible. There was nothing that I could feel that said I had a miscarriage. So, I left the appointment sad because of words that were spoken, but nothing physical. Plus, I still had the baby with me. So, I guess I just held onto the tiniest bit of hope - Hope that their high powered technology was wrong. 

But, in that moment, I knew what was happening. I knew this was the end... And, I felt all the emotions flood through me at once.

My husband frantically called the doctor's office to see how to proceed. Which obviously, he told us to go to the ER. But, in that moment, we were all so emotional that the thought hadn't even occurred to us - My husband just lost his baby, my parent's just lost their grandchild, and my brother lost his niece or nephew... It was like we were all frozen.

I sat in the backseat of my parent's car on a big black hefty bag. I never thought that much blood could come from a human and still live to talk about it. The contractions felt like early labor and the pain was increasing with every minute that ticked by. I was in this weird limbo realm of pain, sadness, and fear. My crying slowed, as I blankly stared out the window. My husband's and mother's voices were muffled as they talked around me... Everything slowed...

When the scans were complete, it was voiced to us that everything had passed - I no longer needed a D&C. So, I spent my Valentine's Day in a small ER room with my husband and mother and the most compassionate ER staff that I have ever encountered... I guess when you lose a baby, you see a different side to people. The once frazzled, tired, and overworked staff suddenly had time. They had time to rub my head as I cried and coach me down as I panicked over seeing huge clots come out of me. 

My 30th birthday and that Valentine's Day will always be the days I lost my baby. Instead of just remembering that awesome surprise party, this memory steals the show... These two significant days will always stick with me for eternity... But, what I learned from this is, family will always be there for you. Friends will drop whatever they're doing to bring you cake and others, will sit on the phone with you for hours.

As I celebrate my 39th birthday today, I'm so happy where my life is today... I am grateful for my rainbow baby, who is now 8 years old. And, that both of my children are so incredibly healthy. I am so grateful that I only lived through one of these horrific experiences, when there are so many women who have had multiple miscarriages or even full term ones... I don't know how you women find the strength - You are warriors!

I know miscarriages are a taboo subject, which is so odd because it's a death. I know there are a lot of people who know me in real life and, they don't even know that I went through this - because, it was kept quiet. And looking back, I'm not sure why... Why did I feel ashamed? Why did I feel like I couldn't talk about it to others outside of our immediate circle.

You shouldn't only be able to talk about miscarriages during the designated miscarriage awareness day. Instead, it should be part of conversations. It should be known how common these are. And, how people have different experiences. 

It's therapeutic to talk about it. It's healthy to grieve. And, at that time, I felt like I had to stuff all my emotions inside of me to move forward and get on with my life. I felt like no one would really care. And, if I spent too much time talking about it, people would be bothered by it... Which is so bizarre that this is our initial thought...

We need to normalize things women experience. We need to normalize how miscarriage is a true loss, no matter how far along the family was - and families need time to process it all, surrounded by love and support. 

My hope is, my story will encourage others to talk about their story and maybe, not feel so alone...

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Follow me on Instagram for daily posts and video vlogs in my stories at the_happy_days <3

My schooling regret...

I live with a lot of regret when it comes to my children's schooling. I live with my past decisions gripping tightly onto my back, as I try to crawl forward...

Once upon a time, my children loved the idea of school. They would play for hours, using the sweetest voices, as they "taught" their students... They would listen intently to my worldly explanations and they would thumb pages of books so much, most are worn or teared.

As they embarked on the public school journey, I've watched the light fade from them. I've watched my bubbly high energy daughter tuck her personality inside herself. I've watched her love of learning quickly fall away. And, I've watched their play school turn from sweet, to them barking out threats towards their "fake" students.

School had completely changed my children... At the end, they were just a shell of their former self - Visually the same...

Homeschooling isn't a common idea in my town. I always knew I wanted to do it, but the constant negative remarks from outside people, the lack of understanding, and just the brainwashed mentality to follow the system you were once a part of, nudged me into the opposite direction... Eventually (thankfully), circumstances forced my hand and my oldest begun homeschool.

Immediately, my gut wrenched at how quickly we fell onto the pattern - how quickly, my daughter begun to love school again... And, how quickly it felt so natural for me... It tore at my soul, that we didn't do this from the start. 

And, it only took a few short months to see my old children's personalities once again...

I sat with my daughter last night... We talked about life and her everlasting desire to return to high school. And I asked, "why would you ever want to return to school?" She has these images of TV shows that play in her mind, of what she thinks high school will look like... I get it. I grew up with Saved By the Bell and desperately wanted my days to emulate that... But, when she talked about her 5 years of in-person school (k-4), my heart broke. She talked about how the kids always mocked her. She talked about how she ate lunch quietly. She talked about how people thought she was weird and the countless times girls ganged up on her and told others not to go near here... She talked about how she loved dressing up in her JoJo Siwa attire and bows, and even though the kids made fun of her, she still wore it anyway... And, she hopes by high school, the kids would be mature enough to learn how to accept others for who they are. And, staff would allow the kids a little more freedom over their experience and not dictate every move. Because, she wants that TV image of being in the hallway talking to friends, passing notes in class, and eating lunch in the gorgeous brand new cafeteria.

In 2020, I'm still shocked at how schools are run... After being a part of my Instagram community and seeing how homeschool children are raised from day 1 (and seeing my side of public/traditional schooling), I cannot believe there isn't a common ground between the two...

I cannot believe that teachers are with children for 7 hours a day and cannot stop kids from bullying each other. I cannot believe that schools have such control over children's every move - even down to where they sit at lunch, so children like my daughter, who had 1 good friend, she couldn't even sit beside her. Instead, she had to sit at a table with random kids, who used to make fun of what she brought for lunch.

I cannot believe in 2020, parents cannot treat their children with respect, so that they don't go into school and take out their frustrations onto the weaker link.

I just cannot believe how schools aren't an institution that promotes self growth and inspiration, instead of promoting standardized tests and competition among peers. And, what seems to be their life goal, to knock the spark out of children's lives...

Due to life's circumstances, not everyone can homeschool... But, school shouldn't be so drastically different homeschool... It shouldn't produced children who can potentially commit suicide, or have such low self esteem, or think they have to do drugs or alcohol to fit in, or who fixate so desperately on grades...

They should produce kids like homeschool does - children who are accepted, encouraged, supported, respected, and caring of others. Children, who see others from the inside, not what they wear or what click they belong to... Children who are independent thinkers and question life... And, children who can use the bathroom whenever they want... 

School can be so different... But, in order for school to change, we must first change the way we view children. We must understand that children are smart and capable of decision making. And, that they deserve the same respect that teachers expect... Once we view children as people and not little objects that we control - Then, we will truly break ground on making school a better environment.

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Follow me on Instagram for daily posts and vlogs in my stories <3 Click here -->@the_happy_days

Here's how we homeschool...

From day one, I've always wanted to homeschool my children... Something about sending them off into an institution, where they are treated like cattle getting stamped at the entrance, never sat well with me...

When my oldest was younger, she was obsessed with the idea of school. She used to play it everyday and learning was her fun. We would sit for hours and do workbooks, instead of play... She just couldn't get enough. So, when it came time for preschool, I thought I'd just continue with our same home routine as we had being doing all along. But, she wanted to attend an actual building. Which broke my heart - however, we honored her wishes and she started her mark in the traditional education system

And, my second child just followed suit... I won't bore you with the details of what brought my daughter to finally be homeschooled - It's a long story - You could search all that in my old blog posts and watch the actual video rants leading up to her being pulled from school on my Instagram stories (they are saved in my highlights under, school rants)... Spoiler: My daughter was pulled from traditional school the beginning of her 4th grade year (last school year) due to some unrealistic, borderline corporal punishment rules that were instilled.

But, during the years they attended traditional school, I continued my distaste for the education system through my writings and Instagram rants - it was therapeutic for me and I felt like I was able to hold people accountable for the way they treated children. Deep down, I was hoping it would be an eye opener for some teachers and policy holders... Fun Fact: It wasn't.

Then, the virus hit and everyone was scattered all over the place and left to figure out their next move, which wasn't a move anyone was familiar with... During that time, it was more survival, than education.

Fast forward to this year, where (like most families) I was left trying to figure out what to do with my son... My daughter was already going to be home, that was a given. But, my son thrived in school. He loved it. He enjoyed being around all the kids and being part of the classroom... However, I just couldn't send him into this new, unrecognizable environment. I felt for us, it would just add unnecessary stress.

So, we went the same route as my daughter - our district's cyber program... And, both of my children absolutely love it and are doing so well with it... 

On Instagram, I get asked a lot about how we homeschool... Well, here's the low-down... We chose our district's cyber program because, it follows the same curriculum that their classmates are doing in school (although, not so much now, during the pandemic hybrid style). The reason for this is, my daughter talks about going to back to school eventually. She wants to attend high school and this program will allow her to slide back in flawlessly, without mismatch credits or any hiccups during the transition. On this cyber program, they could even attend every one of their specials in person. So, they get assigned a homeroom and they follow that homeroom's schedule - they could attend art, music, gym, STEM/health, and library in person, throughout the day, if they wanted. They could attend the in-person assemblys and any fun event they are having at the school... My daughter loved this because, she has been attending school in that district since preschool, so all her friends are there - technically, the cyber kids are still students in the district. So, last year, she loved the idea of only being dropped off for 40 minutes a day, to see her friends and do group activities, then being immediately picked right back up to go home.

Although, this year is completely different due to hybrid, so they can't attended any in-person specials. But, they're on the Google Classroom list and they are still able to participate with their videos and interactive events.

The reason I fell in love with this set up as a parent is, as a type A personality, I was always so nervous about traditional homeschool and where they would fall on the achievement side - like, would I keep them on track? What if I picked the wrong curriculum? What if they aren't learning enough? Essentially, things like that... Basically, I know that I need to be "deschooled." And, I know the homeschoolers who are reading this, are having an aneurysm - I'm sorry... But, I didn't want to go through that process, if my children were going to eventually end up back into the district anyways...

Our Homeschool Classroom

So, this program was the best of both worlds. It's just a preloaded online curriculum that is 100% parental involvement. There isn't a teacher - Hence, I'm the teacher. And, everything my children need to do, to stay on track, is all loaded in sequential order.

A typical day is... We wake up late, eat breakfast, then I sit down with my son and we do his work first, then I sit down with my daughter and do her work (because hers takes longer).  We start out everyday with a "read aloud book," which right now, is our Fall/Halloween stories. We cuddle on the couch and I read them them the story - It's a nice transition into school... I break up our classes into only 4 days out of the 5 days... We get 1 full weeks worth of assignments completed in 1 day - instead of breaking up every subject and doing a little each day... This way, they have 4 subjects and 4 days of online materials - which range from 1-3 hours a day. On that 5th day (which is usually a Thursday), we do child led learning. That means, they pick what they want to learn - It has nothing to do with the cyber program... We have workbooks they work on. We do chalk board writing prompts, they play Adventure Academy, Prodigy, we do science and social studies, watch documentaries - things like that... Or, that's our day to go on adventures, on trips, meet up with friends, etc...

My daughter with her online program

My son doing his offline materials

Reading additional materials on her social studies subject

Learning about maps

Our days look very similar to a traditional homeschooler. And, we are not considered cyber because, it's not set up like a cyber school - There are no teachers, no virtual lessons, no live groups, nothing... It's more or less like a homeschooler, who uses book curriculum, however, ours is online.

I hope this answers some of your questions that you all asked... And, if you're just stumbling upon this, I hope this resonates with you and helped you in some way... Just know, these are unprecedented times and what might work this year, might not work next year - Hang in there! You're doing great and you're making the best decision for your family... 

Be sure to check out my Instagram account - Click Here to follow all my daily posts... And, here are some random photos of our offline curriculum materials and some school room decor (My children are 2nd and 5th grade) -->

Thank you for stopping by <3

Technology isn't so bad... Here's why...

Being a tween in today's world is so much different, than being a tween in the late 1980s/early 1990s - back when I was a tween... You read and hear all about so many families who are anti-technology, have screen limits, or are screen free because, they're trying to mimic a lifestyle similar to their childhood - and of course, they have the right to do whatever they want with their own children - But, I think they're missing the main difference between our childhood and today's childhood...

Freedom...

When we were kids, we ate breakfast, hopped on a bike or walked to our friend's house. We then spent the entire day with them, pretty much doing nothing. Of course, some days were more productive than others, like a game of backyard baseball or teams of hide and go seek. But, 90% of the time, we sat on my porch and just talked or sat in my bedroom and listened to Alanis Morissette on the highest volume...

In today's world, kids can't just hop on a bike and go outside for hours without parental supervision. And, they can't just go to a friend's house and spend the entire day because, today's families are over scheduled - and someone has to go somewhere, at some point.

Kids can't ride their bikes throughout the town because one, it's not safe and two, someone would call the cops or file a report that kids are unsupervised.

You don't find groups of tweens and teens playing baseball in an open field or basketball courts filled - without parental supervision... Because, you can't. And, parents are too busy to sit there for hours - and besides, what early teen wants their parents lurking in the background?

So, what does that leave today's kids with? Technology.

It leaves them playing Roblox and Fortnite for hours, to emulate social interaction with friends... It leaves them talking for hours on video chat... And, their faces glued to phones, while texting...

They're trying to create a childhood of social interactions, but with the only tools they have... Sure, it looks completely different than we did it. However, this is a completely different time.

So, instead of viewing these tools as "brain eaters." Maybe we should start looking at them as their childhood of socialization. Because, not every minute of childhood, needs to be productive. And, there really isn't a difference between kids today sitting on video chat and talking about life or us sitting on a porch swing, talking about life in the early 90s...

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