Children have the ability to change your relationship with your spouse

Let me start, I absolutely love my life –I love my children, my husband, and our dog, but what I found about having children is that first year will most definitely change the whole dynamic of your relationship with your spouse (even when you least expect it).

My husband and I are celebrating our 11^th year together. We have been through everything and anything and never spent one moment away in all that time –not one fight to separate us. We are best friends and in the past, embarked on many incredible journeys traveling around the country, just the two of us.

When we are together, we could get lost in a crowd and the whole world has the ability to stand still. We never needed anyone else to keep us company or to entertain us –we only need each other. Conversations will last for hours, jokes are exchanged, and we have an incredible ability to communicate nonverbally. We are rock solid.

In both of our eyes, marriage is a long term union that isn’t only about love and romance –it’s about stability and companionship. Knowing that person will love you at your worst and also at your best. That a Friday night consists of watching your favorite TV shows on the couch after getting the kids to sleep.

What we have found is marriage is a process, a daily task that requires attention. But the luxury is no one will ever know you or understand you like your spouse. I never have to watch what I say to him –and throughout, I’ve said some things –and he still continues to love me, while letting my words roll off his back.

However, even with all that love, having our first child completely changed everything. At that time, we were together 7 years and never had one argument. But only after a few weeks of my colicky baby crying non-stop and her absolute disregard for anyone’s natural pursuit to sleep, we fell apart –very quickly.

In my experience, there was one person who was doing more work as a parent than the other, causing extreme resentment. My daughter was very challenging and it appeared, at the time, my husband wasn’t up for the challenge. I was tired, half senile from lack of sleep, and I snapped at the slightest tone. My husband couldn’t help quick enough or good enough. So he backed away slowly, day by day, and put his efforts elsewhere. 

On weekends, he started to sleep in because he “worked” so hard during the week (even though I was up every 2.5 hours with my crying baby). Then when he finally woke up, he positioned himself on the couch where he stayed until dark. However, in his defense, I don’t think he was prepared for the way having a child was going to change me, or the way sleep deprivation and a high needs baby can change a person –he was still looking for his wife, the former person.

A child will take every aspect of you. Especially a high needs baby that no one ever anticipates. If I attempted to make a dinner for the two of us (trying to reclaim a prior life), my daughter wouldn’t even last the whole meal without screaming. There wasn’t ever a night time where we could watch TV, because she never slept long enough to finish a sitcom. For me, there wasn’t a moment of detox, just one struggle bombarding another.

I searched for moments of quiet, that didn’t involve being around my husband, or anyone. If I was able to sleep, I wanted to sleep. If I was able to sit without her strapped to me in the carrier, then I did. I didn’t want to “work” on my marriage, or spend time with my husband -I resented him too much for that.

My husband continued life as he did prior to having a child, where for me, it was obvious things have changed. I had the baby strapped to me to prove it. I had the weight gain from eating at odd times, the bags under my eyes, and the same outfit on for a few days to prove it. Somehow, my husband escaped it.

As time passed, resentment built. I couldn’t understand how we even got to this point -The point where we couldn’t even be in the same room with each other.

And that is how we survived –we stayed out of each other’s way. We didn’t run away because times were difficult, we figured out how to work around it. Friends were separating and divorcing right around us (even one of our close friends). It was an intimidating situation for me because it was uncharted waters.

But time passed as it always does, my daughter got older and cried less. We were able to have regular scheduled meals again, while our smiley daughter sat at the table with us. She started having a bedtime that would allow us to at least watch a TV show or two (before she woke back up –she never slept well). And before we knew it, life was getting easier. We started to laugh again. I would start to look forward to him coming home and spending time with us. The resentment was slowly dissipating as our relationship was mending. I could finally see the light at the end of the tunnel and that light was beautiful.

When our son arrived home, there wasn’t a glitch in the matrix this time around. We knew what to expect (of course, they were nothing alike. He was a much easier infant), not with him as a baby, but with our relationship. We realized we would neglect us, for the sake of survival through the infancy period. There wasn’t an expectation. I knew I would take the brunt of the work because that’s my job. But contrastingly, my husband embraced more roles. He occasionally allows me sleep on weekends, cleans the kitchen after dinner, and plays with the children so I could sit in silence for a few minutes. And he does something that he never did in the past that is incredibly important to me -he asks me how I’m doing or how my day was. He acknowledges the work I do at home and never belittles it. Similarly, he never judges me when I had a beyond stressful day and I’m standing above the sink shoving tasty cakes down my throat by the handfuls.

We’ve realized how to love each other and be a parent at the same time. Something that was apparently hard for us to do in the beginning. We lost site of ourselves and didn’t seize the change, we resisted it. Having a baby is a learning curve for anyone –even if you were planning –and they will change you more than you ever thought possible.

Along with that transformation of yourself brings change with your relationship. It’s only normal because right now, I can’t think about myself or just my husband. My husband and I couldn’t just pick up and go somewhere for the weekend as a retreat. Nor would we want to.

Our quality time alone is the time when both kids go to sleep and before we go to sleep. And you know what? We’re completely fine with that. You know why? Because sooner than we comprehend it, they will be living out of the house, then we’ll be empty nesters, begging to relive all the moments with them. Hopefully, I won’t be so crazy from the hollowness to enjoy it. Nevertheless, that will be the time when my husband and I regenerate our life as the two of us.

We learned how to tend to our relationship, while putting our children first and I love my husband for that. I love that he doesn’t fight for my attention, how he sits back and lets me envelop my life in my children. He is an amazing man and I am so happy that he loves me for me (because sometimes I know that can be a challenge). My life is amazing because of the people in it. I would not be whole if my husband or children weren’t there. And I have to put all my trust in my husband that this will remain complete forever.