You can't get it right all the time

When I lay in the darkness of the night, staring at the cascading shadows above my head, I tend to replay the day over in my head. A slue of emotions quickly inundate my brain. I mostly smile and pat myself on the back for a job well done, feeling accomplished that the day ended happy. But sometimes, I want to flop head first into the pillow and stay there until the images of a scattered day stop looping on repeat.

Those days, I want nothing more than my children to know I love them more than life itself, because sometimes, I feel that notion becomes lost.

Being a stay at home mom, my life is pretty rhythmic and very predictable. But the occasions that my postcard 1950’s lifestyle doesn’t hold up, I don’t always feel prepared to squabble.

On a normal day, life is great –and to be honest, this is the average. I am a 100% fix it personality. I take every situation and analyze many different ways to determine how I could have done it better. So, day to day functions run really smoothly, without a glitch. Healthy meals are made from scratch, prepared and served, fruits and veggies are for snacks, and bedtimes are stress-free –with lots of books and cuddle time in store.

Problems are cut off before they are escalated, using a calming and understanding voice. I always listen first, instead of reacting. We read, play, explore, educate, and have fun. We communicate effectively and properly and have lots of family time.

However, yet again, it appears my children are going through another different stage –I feel like when one stage is over, instead of saying “yes, I could breathe,” another one quickly tags along to punch me in the face. As if it’s saying, “welcome to reality.” My son has been OVERLY needy and sensitive –I’m placing uber amount of attention on the neediness. I don’t think it helps that he has 9 teeth cutting through his gums at this exact moment, or maybe it’s just my “fix it” personality because everything has to have a valid reason, or it doesn’t count.

My daughter continues to give me glimpses of what she’ll be like during her puberty years, and that’s very thoughtful of her –I wouldn’t want to be blindsided later in life. At 3 years old, she runs into her room and shuts her door behind her, telling me to “give her some space.” I’m still not 100% sold on it’s just me. I think her brother has been condemned at times too. She sometimes also is the type of child who asks to do the same thing 500 times in 20 seconds, even after my response is, “yes, give me a minute while I finish up (whatever I’m doing).” Or asks for a drink, as I’m filling up her cup.

Each one of these problems are simple to handle by themselves… But add a whiny/crying toddler, who is at the perfect age of frequent temper tantrums because he can’t yet communicate effectively for about 10 hours and an ever changing, sleep hating, daughter for 14 hours straight –reacting simultaneously.

These are the days where they feed off each other and plan to make mommy senile one brain cell at a time. Hey, I was the one hoping they would have a strong sibling bond. Well, they’re already working together like they’re involved in a heist. On these days, my patience is thin and my ears ring from my blood pressure reaching aneurysm highs. Instead of getting down on their level to hear their side, I dismiss them, telling them to go play separately. I would give them nothing but candy and cookies if they would stay quiet for 2 minutes, but those types of food do not work on my children, since they actually do not like junk food all that much. 

These are the days where I just can’t get it right, I can't get the whining to stop.

The whining and constant asking clutters my brain.

But then, when everyone is sleeping and the house is quiet –and the ringing in my ears stops –guilt fills my soul when I think about how the day unfolded. I feel like an accident victim trying to recount their whereabouts. I cringe when I think of my daughter so excitedly trying to tell me about a new part of Sheriff Callie. Then, I brushed her off before she could finish speaking because her crying brother wouldn’t stop gripping onto my leg while I was cooking dinner.  Or my son is whining to be held when I’m rocking my daughter and I have to tell him no, wait. Or both of them wanting my exact attention for different things, at the same time. On days like these, I wish I had the ability to filter out all the noise and think more clearly, instead of being overstimulated and brought to their level.

When both of them are out of sorts, I can’t fill all their needs. They need me to be two people with four hands. As a mother, this is when I start to fall, because I can’t keep up with their demand. I become overwhelmed needing to help and fix my surroundings, my loves.

Chaos ensues…

I want so badly to cry on the floor with them, and throw my own tantrum from the stress.

I want to forget everything else that needs to be done in the house and concentrate solely on them.

To say, forget all my homemaker duties and be at the beckon call of my children, without household task weighing on my mind.

I want to make their day better.

After all, these kinds of days don’t come often. I am very lucky that my children are easy going and well-behaved and that these stages will leave as quickly as they arrived –thankfully.

So for now, I need to take a deep breath and concentrate on the individual details when their chaos clutters my brain. I must maintain my normally cool, calm composure on the outside, even if I look like a fire ball on the inside. I must listen to them, instead of reacting. Again, as a mother/parent, you can't get it right everyday.

Motherhood has been the hardest journey I have ever participated in thus far. Not only because of raising my children, but also all the emotional and mental faculties that follow along. I have to constantly adjust my mindset to fit my children’s of that day –playing off of all their highs and lows. I sometimes become overwhelmed and other days, I’m completely stress-free, but everyday my mind is never shut off. It’s in a mode that is in constant awareness of all my surroundings, allowing me to be a better parent and person every single day.