Mid Week Revelation: Cooking dinner with a toddler

I've realized that cooking dinner will include (at least for the time being) my son either strapped to my back in his carrier or him griping onto my leg like he's dangling off a cliff... Motherhood, it's not for the weak.

Children have the ability to change your relationship with your spouse

Let me start, I absolutely love my life –I love my children, my husband, and our dog, but what I found about having children is that first year will most definitely change the whole dynamic of your relationship with your spouse (even when you least expect it).

My husband and I are celebrating our 11^th year together. We have been through everything and anything and never spent one moment away in all that time –not one fight to separate us. We are best friends and in the past, embarked on many incredible journeys traveling around the country, just the two of us.

When we are together, we could get lost in a crowd and the whole world has the ability to stand still. We never needed anyone else to keep us company or to entertain us –we only need each other. Conversations will last for hours, jokes are exchanged, and we have an incredible ability to communicate nonverbally. We are rock solid.

In both of our eyes, marriage is a long term union that isn’t only about love and romance –it’s about stability and companionship. Knowing that person will love you at your worst and also at your best. That a Friday night consists of watching your favorite TV shows on the couch after getting the kids to sleep.

What we have found is marriage is a process, a daily task that requires attention. But the luxury is no one will ever know you or understand you like your spouse. I never have to watch what I say to him –and throughout, I’ve said some things –and he still continues to love me, while letting my words roll off his back.

However, even with all that love, having our first child completely changed everything. At that time, we were together 7 years and never had one argument. But only after a few weeks of my colicky baby crying non-stop and her absolute disregard for anyone’s natural pursuit to sleep, we fell apart –very quickly.

In my experience, there was one person who was doing more work as a parent than the other, causing extreme resentment. My daughter was very challenging and it appeared, at the time, my husband wasn’t up for the challenge. I was tired, half senile from lack of sleep, and I snapped at the slightest tone. My husband couldn’t help quick enough or good enough. So he backed away slowly, day by day, and put his efforts elsewhere. 

On weekends, he started to sleep in because he “worked” so hard during the week (even though I was up every 2.5 hours with my crying baby). Then when he finally woke up, he positioned himself on the couch where he stayed until dark. However, in his defense, I don’t think he was prepared for the way having a child was going to change me, or the way sleep deprivation and a high needs baby can change a person –he was still looking for his wife, the former person.

A child will take every aspect of you. Especially a high needs baby that no one ever anticipates. If I attempted to make a dinner for the two of us (trying to reclaim a prior life), my daughter wouldn’t even last the whole meal without screaming. There wasn’t ever a night time where we could watch TV, because she never slept long enough to finish a sitcom. For me, there wasn’t a moment of detox, just one struggle bombarding another.

I searched for moments of quiet, that didn’t involve being around my husband, or anyone. If I was able to sleep, I wanted to sleep. If I was able to sit without her strapped to me in the carrier, then I did. I didn’t want to “work” on my marriage, or spend time with my husband -I resented him too much for that.

My husband continued life as he did prior to having a child, where for me, it was obvious things have changed. I had the baby strapped to me to prove it. I had the weight gain from eating at odd times, the bags under my eyes, and the same outfit on for a few days to prove it. Somehow, my husband escaped it.

As time passed, resentment built. I couldn’t understand how we even got to this point -The point where we couldn’t even be in the same room with each other.

And that is how we survived –we stayed out of each other’s way. We didn’t run away because times were difficult, we figured out how to work around it. Friends were separating and divorcing right around us (even one of our close friends). It was an intimidating situation for me because it was uncharted waters.

But time passed as it always does, my daughter got older and cried less. We were able to have regular scheduled meals again, while our smiley daughter sat at the table with us. She started having a bedtime that would allow us to at least watch a TV show or two (before she woke back up –she never slept well). And before we knew it, life was getting easier. We started to laugh again. I would start to look forward to him coming home and spending time with us. The resentment was slowly dissipating as our relationship was mending. I could finally see the light at the end of the tunnel and that light was beautiful.

When our son arrived home, there wasn’t a glitch in the matrix this time around. We knew what to expect (of course, they were nothing alike. He was a much easier infant), not with him as a baby, but with our relationship. We realized we would neglect us, for the sake of survival through the infancy period. There wasn’t an expectation. I knew I would take the brunt of the work because that’s my job. But contrastingly, my husband embraced more roles. He occasionally allows me sleep on weekends, cleans the kitchen after dinner, and plays with the children so I could sit in silence for a few minutes. And he does something that he never did in the past that is incredibly important to me -he asks me how I’m doing or how my day was. He acknowledges the work I do at home and never belittles it. Similarly, he never judges me when I had a beyond stressful day and I’m standing above the sink shoving tasty cakes down my throat by the handfuls.

We’ve realized how to love each other and be a parent at the same time. Something that was apparently hard for us to do in the beginning. We lost site of ourselves and didn’t seize the change, we resisted it. Having a baby is a learning curve for anyone –even if you were planning –and they will change you more than you ever thought possible.

Along with that transformation of yourself brings change with your relationship. It’s only normal because right now, I can’t think about myself or just my husband. My husband and I couldn’t just pick up and go somewhere for the weekend as a retreat. Nor would we want to.

Our quality time alone is the time when both kids go to sleep and before we go to sleep. And you know what? We’re completely fine with that. You know why? Because sooner than we comprehend it, they will be living out of the house, then we’ll be empty nesters, begging to relive all the moments with them. Hopefully, I won’t be so crazy from the hollowness to enjoy it. Nevertheless, that will be the time when my husband and I regenerate our life as the two of us.

We learned how to tend to our relationship, while putting our children first and I love my husband for that. I love that he doesn’t fight for my attention, how he sits back and lets me envelop my life in my children. He is an amazing man and I am so happy that he loves me for me (because sometimes I know that can be a challenge). My life is amazing because of the people in it. I would not be whole if my husband or children weren’t there. And I have to put all my trust in my husband that this will remain complete forever.

Mid Week Revelation: Are cookies really a bad thing?

I've realized making homemade chocolate chip cookies are no longer a good thing for my weight or this household -My son spends most of the day pointing up at the jar on the counter and crying, and my daughter tries her hardest to scale the cabinets in hopes of tasting just one more. And mommy, well, mommy is of course standing over the sink double fisting cookies... Motherhood, it's not for the weak.


*Feel free to share some of your own parenting revelations each week in the comment section below :)

Sometimes a girl just needs her daddy

The day was chaotic (I know I use that word a lot).

My daughter wouldn’t stop whining or fighting with her brother. She was miserable, mostly from being overtired, but miserable nonetheless. Nothing I could do was correct or made her happy –it was just one of those days in the life of a 3 year old.

Her brother would attempt to give her a hug, but that wouldn’t work either.

He would hand her a toy with no avail.

However, when her daddy arrived home from work she beamed from ear to ear while running to the backdoor, already knowing the sound of his car.

He scooped her up in his arms, cradling her like a baby, while griping tightly onto her dangling legs.

They lied on the couch, sharing a blanket and hugs. Her doll, Curly Shirley, was tucked neatly into her sheet and daddy put on her favorite cartoon, Octonauts, while they giggled.

She was a completely different child.

Sometimes it takes another person to calm the storm -Someone else who is objective, with a fresh mindset.

Or quite frankly, sometimes a girl just needs her daddy. 

Mid Week Revelation: Sibling coloring

I've realized as a parent I now say things that shouldn't have to be said -For example, "please don't color on your brother." Motherhood, it's not for the weak.

Early Edition: The loss of a loved one

The passing of a loved one is a very hard moment for anyone to experience. But for me, right now, it’s watching my loved one experience this. There is something about death that makes everyone uncomfortable. Even people with many words have a hard time expressing what to say. What is even the right thing to say? I do know there’s usually a moment of insane heartache, followed by a level of comfort knowing the person isn’t suffering anymore. But how do you look someone in the eyes and tell them everything will be alright, when you know it’s not going to be –for a long time.

My husband’s uncle had just passed after a long hard fight with cancer. When he was younger, he worked with products containing asbestos, not knowing the effects it would have later in life. When diagnosed, he didn’t back down for a single second –he went head to head and aggressively fought this ugly disease.

When I met him, 11 years ago, he always stood apart from everyone else. He was a business man, so he was very charismatic and charming. I will always remember him being very regal and was steadfast in any situation -with such a robust personality at one extreme and an incredible love for his family at the other. He would flutter into a room, knowing everyone’s name, making anyone and everyone feel like they were part of him.

One of his biggest achievements in life wasn’t that he ran a successful business it was that he raised an incredible loving family. They live all over our state, but didn’t miss a moment of his fight. His immediate family reminds me of my family –no matter where anyone is in the world, they will drop whatever they are doing and round themselves back to home. Throughout this journey, each member of his family showed unimaginable courage throughout. They stayed at his bedside laughing over past memories, talking about new ones, and cuddling through the nights. They weren’t one of those people who only saw him at the end to make up for lost time -they always lived every moment together.

My husband was very close to his uncle, as most people are. Over the years, I’ve heard so many stories how his uncle would come over on a Friday and spend hours around the table, laughing with family.

He would have Christmas Eve parties that would last well into the night and the room was not only surrounded by family, but friends that were included in the mix.

His fire pit in the backyard was spent with summer nights.

His well oversized garage was used for his brother’s wedding.

His spare bedrooms were used for his grandchildren.

But most importantly, he was a man from a different generation. He was a man that loved his wife beyond words -She was an extension of him. He was a man who covered her at night, when she was cold or whisked her around the dance floor. He was never shy to tell her how much he loved her –He was a very different type of man.

As this week comes to an end, I know I’m grateful that I’m part of this loving family. I’m proud to have known him and glad that he was able to see my children born into this family. I hope my husband and I will have a relationship like he and his wife had, I hope our love will be that strong. I hope we raise our children to be as loving and caring as they did.

After seeing how quickly everyone pulled together during the final hours (even during a snow storm), I’m confident in saying, I know they’ll be ok.

They will hurt, but it will be only temporary.

They will cry, but it will be for a short time.

They will be angry because the world is now short one amazing person.

But days will pass, weeks will carry on, and eventually their sadness will be reinstated by wonderful memories of him.

I have spent the last several nights with my husband, chatting up stories about his uncle. Being his rock has humbled me, it has been a complete role reversal. But I know he’ll get through this because we have each other, as we always will.

*I would like to send my condolences to my extended family –I’m so sorry for your loss and I hope one day soon you could smile again. 

Mid Week Revelation: Caught with her hand in the cookie jar

I've realized that conversations are sometimes funny...

Me (to my daughter): What are you doing with that stool?
My Daughter: Nothing...
Me: Then why do you need the stool? Are you trying to get a cookie after being told no?
My Daughter: I thought I would stand here and make sure my brother doesn't take any cookies.

...Motherhood, it's not for the weak.

Brothers and sisters…. Oh good grief

When having two children that are young and close and age, I never thought I would be experiencing half the things that I am. I pictured a closer bond between them (all the time, not just occasionally). I pictured my daughter being attentive to his needs, wanting to him to play, and teaching him anything she could offer. I know my daughter loves him and she is first in line to cheer him on as he walks through the room on his wobbly two legs. She is also protective and helps him any way she can, but let’s face it, to her he’s a just baby –and her patience at 3 years old can only last so long.

My daughter’s mental age is approximately 5 years old and sometimes, her brother is VERY much younger than she is. She is incredibly meticulous about her things and likes her room a certain way. Now I must admit my son isn’t your “ordinary” run of the mill boy. He follows his sister’s lead, so he tends to be much more sensitive and gentle. But even then, he’s like a bull in a china shop. He’ll try to grab a toy and hand it to her (to play), which usually ends with him plowing his hand through her neatly lined up characters -Resulting in, “MOM! Can you get my brother out of here!” Or “LEAVE ME ALONE!” and I see him crying from what I can only imagine is a broken heart.

As a mother, this is incredibly hard for me. I love both of my children equally and can’t really grasp the concept of why she doesn’t want to spend all the time in the world with her brother. If it were up to him, he would spend every breath of air next to her.

In my opinion it would fill the gap of loneliness –instead of playing by herself she would be able to have a “friend” to join in with her daily activities. But she would rather just play by herself with the door shut and come out to play with him when she deems fit.

After my son’s first birthday, he has become a sponge. His vocabulary has increased from just your average “momma, dada, and nana” to “thanks, bye, ball, Elmo, hello, and cup –plus various animal, trains, and car sounds. He also started walking quite a bit –it’s not his main mode of transportation yet, but he’s really steady on his feet (he independently walks around my dining room table, chasing after his sister).

With him doing all this, she is more inclined to participate with him more often (mainly because she likes to see his progress). She can’t wait until daddy comes home from work to tell him all about what her brother did today. So when she does spend time with him, it’s her reading countless books to him, being more of a teacher than a sister (with anything else he's considered a nuisance). After about 3 books, he’ll crawl away and pick up a train to hand her (as if he’s saying, let’s do this instead). She’ll put the train down and say, “can you say train?” Of course he doesn’t, but says “thanks” instead (which is what he says when he wants someone to take the object).

I realize I am lucky, as I know other parents have siblings who fight from morning to night, whereas I have the occasional dislike. But I wish the transition from one to two children was a little smoother. I don’t think she really understands how much fun a sibling can be because he’s younger than she is. I’m hoping in a few more months, when his vocabulary and mobility increases, they’ll be inseparable because he’ll have more in common with her.

But until then, I have to field negative comments, calm the shouting, love my little boy when his sister kicks him out of her room, and love my little girl even when she’s being mean to her brother.

These two have a lifetime of fighting and arguing. But they also have a lifetime of friendship and love. My only goal is to have them mutually respect each other, so no matter what life throws at them they will have each other’s back. I want them to know family comes first and the bond that they develop will be more special than any other bond in the world. Because one day, they’ll be all the family that they have.