You can't get it right all the time

When I lay in the darkness of the night, staring at the cascading shadows above my head, I tend to replay the day over in my head. A slue of emotions quickly inundate my brain. I mostly smile and pat myself on the back for a job well done, feeling accomplished that the day ended happy. But sometimes, I want to flop head first into the pillow and stay there until the images of a scattered day stop looping on repeat.

Those days, I want nothing more than my children to know I love them more than life itself, because sometimes, I feel that notion becomes lost.

Being a stay at home mom, my life is pretty rhythmic and very predictable. But the occasions that my postcard 1950’s lifestyle doesn’t hold up, I don’t always feel prepared to squabble.

On a normal day, life is great –and to be honest, this is the average. I am a 100% fix it personality. I take every situation and analyze many different ways to determine how I could have done it better. So, day to day functions run really smoothly, without a glitch. Healthy meals are made from scratch, prepared and served, fruits and veggies are for snacks, and bedtimes are stress-free –with lots of books and cuddle time in store.

Problems are cut off before they are escalated, using a calming and understanding voice. I always listen first, instead of reacting. We read, play, explore, educate, and have fun. We communicate effectively and properly and have lots of family time.

However, yet again, it appears my children are going through another different stage –I feel like when one stage is over, instead of saying “yes, I could breathe,” another one quickly tags along to punch me in the face. As if it’s saying, “welcome to reality.” My son has been OVERLY needy and sensitive –I’m placing uber amount of attention on the neediness. I don’t think it helps that he has 9 teeth cutting through his gums at this exact moment, or maybe it’s just my “fix it” personality because everything has to have a valid reason, or it doesn’t count.

My daughter continues to give me glimpses of what she’ll be like during her puberty years, and that’s very thoughtful of her –I wouldn’t want to be blindsided later in life. At 3 years old, she runs into her room and shuts her door behind her, telling me to “give her some space.” I’m still not 100% sold on it’s just me. I think her brother has been condemned at times too. She sometimes also is the type of child who asks to do the same thing 500 times in 20 seconds, even after my response is, “yes, give me a minute while I finish up (whatever I’m doing).” Or asks for a drink, as I’m filling up her cup.

Each one of these problems are simple to handle by themselves… But add a whiny/crying toddler, who is at the perfect age of frequent temper tantrums because he can’t yet communicate effectively for about 10 hours and an ever changing, sleep hating, daughter for 14 hours straight –reacting simultaneously.

These are the days where they feed off each other and plan to make mommy senile one brain cell at a time. Hey, I was the one hoping they would have a strong sibling bond. Well, they’re already working together like they’re involved in a heist. On these days, my patience is thin and my ears ring from my blood pressure reaching aneurysm highs. Instead of getting down on their level to hear their side, I dismiss them, telling them to go play separately. I would give them nothing but candy and cookies if they would stay quiet for 2 minutes, but those types of food do not work on my children, since they actually do not like junk food all that much. 

These are the days where I just can’t get it right, I can't get the whining to stop.

The whining and constant asking clutters my brain.

But then, when everyone is sleeping and the house is quiet –and the ringing in my ears stops –guilt fills my soul when I think about how the day unfolded. I feel like an accident victim trying to recount their whereabouts. I cringe when I think of my daughter so excitedly trying to tell me about a new part of Sheriff Callie. Then, I brushed her off before she could finish speaking because her crying brother wouldn’t stop gripping onto my leg while I was cooking dinner.  Or my son is whining to be held when I’m rocking my daughter and I have to tell him no, wait. Or both of them wanting my exact attention for different things, at the same time. On days like these, I wish I had the ability to filter out all the noise and think more clearly, instead of being overstimulated and brought to their level.

When both of them are out of sorts, I can’t fill all their needs. They need me to be two people with four hands. As a mother, this is when I start to fall, because I can’t keep up with their demand. I become overwhelmed needing to help and fix my surroundings, my loves.

Chaos ensues…

I want so badly to cry on the floor with them, and throw my own tantrum from the stress.

I want to forget everything else that needs to be done in the house and concentrate solely on them.

To say, forget all my homemaker duties and be at the beckon call of my children, without household task weighing on my mind.

I want to make their day better.

After all, these kinds of days don’t come often. I am very lucky that my children are easy going and well-behaved and that these stages will leave as quickly as they arrived –thankfully.

So for now, I need to take a deep breath and concentrate on the individual details when their chaos clutters my brain. I must maintain my normally cool, calm composure on the outside, even if I look like a fire ball on the inside. I must listen to them, instead of reacting. Again, as a mother/parent, you can't get it right everyday.

Motherhood has been the hardest journey I have ever participated in thus far. Not only because of raising my children, but also all the emotional and mental faculties that follow along. I have to constantly adjust my mindset to fit my children’s of that day –playing off of all their highs and lows. I sometimes become overwhelmed and other days, I’m completely stress-free, but everyday my mind is never shut off. It’s in a mode that is in constant awareness of all my surroundings, allowing me to be a better parent and person every single day.

Mid Week Revelation: Water and laptop fun

I've learned a 3 year old can teach you a lot of things about life -One example is, spilling only a little bit of water on and under a laptop and letting it soak without telling anyone, will not end well for the laptop... Motherhood, it's not for the weak.

So why must we continue to judge?

I could remember sitting down for an evening dinner, the soft music playing in the background and my husband and I enjoying each other’s company. Of course, this was before kids. A time where you judged someone for not understanding why –Ignorance, I like to call it.

The entrée wasn’t even served before you could hear the infant crying two tables over. My first thought was, “How dare these people take their child out to a restaurant. Don’t they know people are trying to enjoy their meals?” Then by the time dinner was being consumed, we were interrupted by the toddler walking from table to table to say hi and a frantic, stressed out mother quickly tailing behind him.

Before having children of my own, I could never understand the concept of not being able to control your kids. Of course, now I understand. I do, however, curb my children to sit in the booth. But that doesn’t stop my daughter from standing on the seat, climbing under the table, and occasionally belting out a Sheriff Callie song on high volume -or my son saying hi and waving to everyone around him, constantly.

I now know that children behave the way they want to. You could parent them a certain way and have control for the most part, but they’re still individuals who speak and think for themselves. They lack the filter and emotion stability to cope in every situation. Sometimes naps are missed, dinner was not eaten, or they’re having an off day.

Things people without children will never fully understand.

I definitely limit my outings to restaurants, having the idea that they’ll eventually learn to behave appropriately in social situations when they’re older. But the rare times we go, I sometimes find myself being THAT parent. You know, the one who is rubbing her hands together trying to calm her nerves, making every stern face imaginable to quiet her children, and smiling at the people judging around –while, secretly begging the staff to hurry the food so we could eat like we’re running from the police.

However, this is not only limited to restaurants. I have also have been in a bookstore many times with my daughter, reading calmly and her behaving properly. Then I misjudged the time, which ended with me bargaining with her to stop whining and pleading, “Please, let’s leave the store now.” Trying so desperately to not cause a scene -which eventually ended with me carrying her out of the store, fast paced with her crying, passing judging people along the way.

When those days happen, there isn’t a hole big enough for me to crawl into. But in hindsight, I cannot understand why I feel that way? We have all been there, some more than others. We have all had embarrassing moments with our children.

Days they do not want to cooperate with anything and days where yes, is the meaning of no.

So I wonder if I’m actually conjuring up these feelings because of my previous life… The life when I judged other parents for their children acting the same way my child(ren) have acted.

Let’s face it, we have all done it. We have all judged a parent by their appearance and what you are witnessing –not really knowing the backstory (what you are currently witnessing might be the worst day that parent and child has ever had). I think it’s safe to say, we are all not perfect and some days we get it completely right, while other days, we fall hard –really hard.

So why must we continue to judge?

We should smile empathically at the woman carrying the screaming child out of a store, instead of looking cross-eyed. At least she had the dignity to remove the child from the situation.

We shouldn’t judge the people who have their child(ren) in stores late. You do not know if that child took a late nap and woke up at 6:30 pm or just has a different bedtime routine than the average -maybe it's 10 pm to 10 am). So the mother/father/guardian decided to go shopping when the crowds are less, or that is the only time they could go (I'm talking more like 9:00/9:30 pm, not 11:00 pm +).

We cannot fully understand what others are thinking. Sure there are some “bad” parents out there who do harm to their children by putting their own needs first –causing neglect. But it is more possible that the supposed “bad” parents are just caught on a bad day. I believe, we as society, should start giving people the benefit of the doubt more, instead of thinking worst case scenario.

Mid Week Revelation: Heat and humidity...

I've learned that heat and humidity doesn't knock children on their bottoms the same way it will as an adult. This was figured out after 10 straight hours at an amusement park.

Thank you for loving us just the way we are

To me, family is a unit which will remain strong through the worst of the darkened storm and flourishes in the sunlight. It cannot be easily broken down and will withstand a lot of agony and turmoil. A family per say, isn’t just two adults and children, it’s a feeling, a feeling of love and security. Having a strong family background is the foundation to create self-assured, whole, individuals.

Having a loving family is the greatest gift of all.

So on this Father’s Day, I’m celebrating my family.

I’m celebrating my husband, who is our provider, stabilizer, and rational individual. He is my significant other for 11.5 years, my husband. The person I’m able to say whatever I feel, and he returns no judgment.

He is the father of my two, beautiful children.

He’s patient, understanding, and kind…

And loves us just the way we are.

My family is not a picture perfect fairytale, but our life is perfect… You wouldn’t find us in the pages of Pottery Barn, dressed in crisp white clothes (without a stain on any of it), hair done perfectly, and both children sitting thoroughly still. That’s ok, because I love our reality more, with toys on the floor, my children finding any dirt hole they can, and my husband with his mixed matched socks.

I have to credit having a successful family to me having an incredible father of my own… My dad was one of the most interactive father’s I knew. He coached our baseball teams, he played baseball with us for hours outside, and when I started field hockey, he made sure he learned every aspect of the sport so he could join me outside for a game or two. There wasn’t ever anything that was unimportant to say to him, as he was very understanding and patient.

Having my dad to grow up with was a standard I always brought to the table. Now that I have my own family, I want the closeness, the laughter, and the joy that I shared. I want my children to know the security I felt and the comfort that was transferred.

The love a family is what keeps them strong…  

Our love keeps us together.

It’s our love and understanding that sustains this family unit.

So this Father’s Day, I want to say thank you to my dad for providing a foundation of what a father should be and my husband for your love, support, and devotion to us. Thank you for loving us just the way we are.

Happy Father’s Day.

Mid Week Revelation: Kitchen table milestone

For a boy, sitting Indian-style in the middle of the kitchen table must be a developmental milestone somewhere.

Relentless bedtime fuss

After time, she finally falls asleep… After bribery, rocking, singing, reading, and a partridge and a pear tree.

I’m content and feel like I have achieved something. I feel like I could conquer the world. It's now my moment to finally take a breath and have “me” time -To quietly sit down and watch my guilty pleasure of reality shows, while having some tea and cookies. 

But that moment usually falls short after about an hour later, when my daughter wakes back up and is ready to take on the world.

Now, after being with my 3 year old for almost 14 hours straight, without a break, sometimes mommy feels like she’s ready to fly off the handle. I could hear yelling fits going on in my head, but I ignore them to sound as calm, and stable, as possible.

My son loves sleep. He goes to bed without a fuss and sleeps 12 hours, give or take, and naps about 2 hours during the day. He’s a happy little boy –when he’s not teething like a beaver. My daughter hates sleep –always has. She fights it like she’s boxing for the heavy weight championship. She sleeps under pure exhaustion. Then takes that little bit of sleep, wakes back up, and tries to run a marathon.

It’s frustrating.

A couple hours later, she finally falls back to sleep –usually holding tightly onto my hand and smiling. Of course after she has eaten again, played, and helped me “clean” the day away.

In that moment, when the house is quiet and she’s peacefully sleeping, I sit and stare at her. Feeling defeated that I was discontented in the first place. She’s such a sweet, good girl, and sometimes I become frustrated that I don’t get a lot of alone time -“me” time.

But then I think, what happens in another couple years, when her bed is no longer parallel to mine. When she’s in her own room, all night. When she no longer needs me to stay with her until she falls asleep. When countless bedtime stories do not have to be read. When she doesn’t wake back up, because she misses me.

I’ll have all that spare time to myself. But yet, I will be begging to relieve these so called “stressful inconveniences.”

I’ll be grasping for those moments where she wants to cuddle. 

Sleep and “me time” won’t seem so important anymore.

I’ll be longing for yesterday because, she’s already growing so fast -too fast.

So right now, I must take these interruptions with stride. Cuddle my little girl as tightly as I want because she’ll love that even more.

Cherish the relentless bedtime fuss and embrace the lack of sleep on my end.

Realizing that everyone becomes frustrated a time or two while parenting. It’s part of life.

While knowing, this demanding dependent stage is only temporary and one day, I’ll have all the time I want for myself. But my little girl won’t be so little anymore.

Mid Week Revelation: Wrestling a slippery fish?

I'll never understand why young children believe the world will end if they sleep. Bedtime feels like I'm mentally wrestling a slippery fish -when I think she's in bed for good, she flops around again.

Temporary farewell

Her packed bags were all waiting at the door -stuffed to the max with Octonauts, princess figures, and books of various kinds. She patiently waited, her tapping finger made a continuous thumping sound against the glass slider. She steadily asked,"are they here yet?" Before I was able to saunter over for verification, we heard their car pull up the driveway. To which she bailed on her bags and ran out the door –jumping into their arms.

She was having a sleepover at their house.

She talked a mile a minute about all the things she wanted to do while there. She plans the day and they follow her lead.                                                                                                                                                                                   

See, my parents are different. When my children are at their house, their attention is on them 24/7. Mommy doesn’t exist while in their company. They play, dance, sing, and pretend. They treat her like royality.

But this temporary farewell is only the beginning to many more to come.

My daughter said her goodbyes with hugs and kisses, but was chomping at the bit to get the car moving. Her almost 18 month old brother tried jumping out my arms to get one more kiss from his sister. Peeling him back, we stepped away from the car. He yelled, “bye bye” and waved. Sister then replied, “don’t worry brother, I’ll be back before you know it!” He smiled contently.

While the car was backing slowly down the driveway, Nana said, “you’ll come with us next time.” He giggled with excitement. He seemed content with knowing that information, but we both missed her already…

He’s starting to understand when she leaves, sleeps, and wakes.

He staggered back into the quiet house, hand in hand with mommy, then sat in his room and played Thomas by himself. Mommy attempted to read him some books, but he wanted alone time. I think he missed his sister as much as mommy did.

It’s amazing the amount of noise my 3 year old brings to this house on a daily basis, but my home is deafening without her in it…

Both big wheels remain still. There isn’t a dramatic car chase going on between both of them.

My freshly cleaned floors don’t have skid marks on them.

My laptop is shut and Sheriff Callie songs aren’t looping on repeat.

The sun is fading and the walls are cluttered with darkness...

One night is too long without her giggly face.

But one night is all she needs with her Nana and Poppy. She’ll come running through my doors just as ecstatic to see me, as she was to see them the day before.

As she continues to age, I have to accept that she will leave me for periods of time throughout the day. But I’m not sure I’ll ever be ok with her not being with me all the time –just the same with her brother. I’ve heard parent’s say, “I can’t wait until my child goes to school.” I don’t know how they feel that way, because my heart aches with just the thought. If it were up to me, I would keep my children in a bubble, away from harm and this cruel world they will grow in. I had children so I could raise them and be with them, not to be away from them.

Apparently, growing is not only for children. It’s for parent’s to progress alongside their children –to mature along with them and develop at their rate.

As parents, we’re all learning this together.

But, we can’t just do the best with what we have…

We have to make it the best, no matter what.