Birthdays bring reflection of past years...

I remember a time where I would cradle my daughter in my arms all night, rocking her back and forth, as she cried nonstop. I could remember the path my feet would take during those long hours. The steps would almost sound rhythmic under my tired body. I swore the night would never end, or the crying would never stop, and she wouldn't ever sleep a moment in her entire life. I felt trapped in a time where her colic ruled my life and it never felt like I would survive. 

But now, those memories feel like they belong to someone else. Like, they were told to me around a campfire as people were exchanging ancient ghost stories. It felt as if I memorized them and now, I hold onto those memories with no direct connection to myself.

I can no longer feel myself in that place. I can't feel the tiredness I felt over those long nights. Or the sadness I felt when I couldn't make her feel better.

Because as life has it, too much time has passed since then.

All those infant memories were pushed aside to allow for the magical moments that paved way for the wonderful little girl who now encapsulates my everyday. 

However, these days have come and gone quicker than I can memorize them. Each day is more fleeting than the last. 

I feel the rush of childhood whizzing by at an alarming rate.

Her personality has stayed the same over the years, which helps me hold onto something concrete, when her interests change like the weather.

When I scroll through my camera roll, I'm saddened by the current images of her. I no longer see the little infant I used to rock in my arms. Instead, I now see a little girl who is ready to take on the world. 

Her maturity makes her almost unrecognizable from her past years, but when she holds tightly onto my hand right before she falls asleep, I know she's still the same little baby I used to rock all night long. 

But, the rocking has been replaced with long before bedtime conversations. And her conversations have become deeper. She is more aware of the world we live in. She talks politics, history, and loves to watch the science channel with her daddy, then tell me all about it.

Her brother has become her best friend, which was a growth milestone I have been waiting for, which felt like forever.

And, she has one of the kindest souls I've seen in a child.

With that, the realization of my time of motherhood has been the most fleeting experience I have dealt with to date. 

But, as much as I would love to freeze time and savor the moments, I'm glad time moves as it does. Because, with time, brings change. And change brings growth. And without growth, I'd still be in the same nursery, rocking my colicky baby all night long.

And, I wouldn't have had these past 6 years of my daughter's life to enjoy the journey of how we arrived here. I wouldn't have been able to move beyond the frozen moment to see what the next wonderful stage was patiently waiting for me.

And it's all these smaller moments that build the bigger picture of her life. So when the days are tough and long. Or amazing and fleeting. I have every detail of her life to look back upon. And with those moments of reflection, that's when, I can't believe how much time has passed.

Eventually, you're sitting around a party table with not only family, but school friends as well, and you're all celebrating her 6th birthday -and you can't believe you are here.

But, the gratitude of watching her grow, buries the sorrow I feel for father time. 

My sadness of feeling like her childhood is quickly fading, turns to anticipation of what all her years will bring.

And through it all, I not only have the privilege of viewing her life, but I get to live it with her. I get to watch as each year, she becomes more like the adult she will eventually be. 

And that, is something I can thank father time for. 

Mid Week Humor: Sink baths

Do sink baths ever live up to their expectations? Because in my home, they always felt like I was trying to plug up an open fire hydrant... Motherhood.

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A bad day happens every now and then...

Today concludes one of those days... 

The day where my children and I bumped heads all day. 

Every time they pushed, I pushed back. Which seemed to last all eternity, as the clock slowly ticked by. I started sentences with, "why did you do that?" With already knowing the answer. 

And, both of my children fought with each other and tears were shed from all parties involved, myself included...

Once the chaos descended and our bedtime routine was nullified, I sat for a few extra seconds beside my two sleeping children and the soundless air was too difficult to breathe.  

It's in that moment, the calmness of their sleeping faces tugged at my heart strings. 

I know the whole routine of parenting and I know the drill to peaceful parent, I live it everyday. Peaceful parenting is the only method we have engulfed our lives in and it works wonderfully for us. But some days are more difficult than others. 

On those rare "off" days, my patience is tried and stomped on and thrown to the wolves. And I hold my composure and handle the uncertainties with ease. But when the attitudes from my children starts at noon, then by five, my brain is a cluster of chaos.

And it isn't until they are both calm and laying in their beds waiting for their beloved stories, that I begin to decompress. Then the guilt floods my thoughts... Thinking, how I should have had that extra second of patience when my daughter asked for her fifteenth item in the row. Or when my son decided to empty out the third bin of cars/batman guys/play food onto the floor... I should have smiled and said I'd help with clean up. Or set up cups for my daughter to get her own drinks. 

Ha! But, I'm not sure Mother Theresa always had THAT much patience either...

But, it's in that moment, when their one eye is half openly gazed at me, I emotionally collapse and tell them how mommy is sorry for the way she reacted. How mommy is the adult and should have the patience and understanding to allow both of them to make their mistakes. Because, they are the ones with the premature brain and have the inability to control their impulses. Mommy is the one who knows better. Mommy is the one who is supposed to guide them through their mistakes. Not add to them. 

My parenting change began years ago, when I stopped focusing on my children's behavior, but instead, focused on the way I reacted to their behavior. Instead of always assuming what my children could have down better, I immediately think what I could have done better. And nobody gets it right all the time... Even if they know all the right things to say and the right ways to act. 

But, anytime I make a mistake of any kind, I tell them. I explain what was wrong and what should have been done differently. And how mommy ALWAYS loves them. Despite their awful days. 

So, when they eventually fall asleep, I erase the image of my short fused day and their constant need to push my buttons, and move on. I lay next to them and think of the good points the day offered. How, when I was upset, my son held my hand and told me how much he loved me. And, how he wanted "lots of hugs forever." Or, when my daughter told me she was thankful for all the things I do for her. And how we managed to get bike riding into our day to attempt to burn the wild energy.

And maybe in hindsight, the kids could have used a nap.

And maybe mommy too.

But nonetheless, tomorrow is a new day. A day filled with lots of hope of better behavior from my well rested children, and fun adventures with the two people I love more than life itself.

And to you parents who are reading, know that there will always be bad days thrown into the mix. Children have been trying the patience of parents since the dawn of time. And parents have been losing their cool equally. But, know that it's an ideal parenting opportunity to teach your children that even adults aren't perfect and make mistakes. And, a good person will always admit when they're wrong and will always do better at the next chance.

So for right now, I'll sit in the quiet, concluded night. Eat my cupcakes with my tea and binge watch The Kardashians. 

And eagerly await to hug my children in the morning.