Minutes prior, I was laying horizontally, when the sonographer was moving the wand diligently over my left breast. She cautiously overlapped one area multiple times and stopped for an abnormal amount of pictures. She remained silent the entire time. The pit in my stomach rose, as I attempted small talk, but was rejected due to her steadfast concentration. When she finally did reply, I was met with, "I'll get the doctor."
I held my Mala beads so tightly in my hands, they were slippery from the sweat. My mother-in-law rubbed my back, as my fear was noticeable. Seconds later, the doctor stepped in...
He stood before me, tall and regal, and explained my exam while apologizing for the undesirable mammogram. Then the words slowly left his lips... And for a brief moment, time stood still and I could almost see the dust particles floating through the air...
They found a tumor in my breast...
In those seconds, my young 35 year old brain flashed through my life. And I immediately welled up with emotions. I was almost angry... Angry at the thought of something I couldn't control coming between my children and I. For god sakes, they're only 5&7 years old. I couldn't be dealing with this. I almost wanted to walk out and sweep this whole conversation under the rug and save it for another time -Like another 50 years...
The doctor informed me that I needed a biopsy and was to meet with a breast oncology surgeon, who thankfully, was amazing. And I'm a luckier person for having him grace my life.
Weeks of other testing and appointments and anguish over my future predicament, all nearly sent me over the edge. I had this urge to just shut everyone out and ride my life out with only my children and I tucked away in a tiny house in the woods... Without ever knowing the definitive result.
There were days that I cried on the floor, fervently sobbing over life ideas that haven't even happened yet. Usually, I spend most of my days relishing in past memories and now, I couldn't help but think of the future... How I'd give up anything, take anything, do anything, just so I could be with my children forever.
...To witness graduation, marriages, and be an awesome grandma and pass down traditions. To sit with my teenage daughter and talk about boys. To raise my son to be nothing short of a kind gentleman in this crazy world. To just be there for morning drop off and afternoon pick up. To help with homework and run to soccer practice...
To just live...
And I realize to an outsider, these are dramatic thoughts and emotions for a person who doesn't have a definitive diagnosis. But, I challenge anyone who has children, especially young children, to hear the words tumor and referral to a breast oncology surgeon and not go to a scary place in your brain...
But obviously, I didn't run off into the dark of night and sweep all this under the rug, Instead, I made the appointment, with not only my husband standing beside me, but my friends and family as well... I knew I was lucky in life, but man, I couldn't help but feel the positivity from the support I received. My group rose me up. They helped me open my eyes to reality of moving forward; with phone calls, text messages, random coffee shop laughs, visits with desserts, and long conversations... All just letting me know they were there, at any time.
So when I sat on the cold gurney again, awaiting my biopsy, I wasn't full of fear. This time, I was full of hope. That even if the results came back as cancer, I could handle it. I could face it. And I could beat it. Because I had an army behind me, that wouldn't let me do anything differently.
And, my other mother-in-law graciously stayed with me at home for a few days upon recovery, which meant more to me, than she'll ever know.
And in the end, after 4 long weeks from the first test, I was safe. My results came back as a benign tumor -Fibroadenoma. And I cried in relief, as the elephant sauntered off my chest and the air in the room became lighter...
It was over...
But only being 35 years old, the reality of life still remained... It's amazing how untouchable we all perceive ourselves. How much we put off for tomorrow, thinking it will always be there for another day. But it's crazy, how only one day can take all these hopes, dreams, and aspirations and dangle them in front of us like an unattainable fantasy.
How, none of this is guaranteed.
How, we all have these things we put on a imaginary bucket list, always fantasizing about a later, better time. But why aren't we doing them now, when the time is fresh and pure? When the time is actually palpable?
Because cancer doesn't care how old you are, or what you're eager to accomplish, or what you're putting off until tomorrow... And sadly, for some women (and men), these bucket list items may never matriculate.
And the coincidental occurrence of time couldn't be more dramatic. All this, with October being breast cancer awareness month...
As I write this, I'm beyond incredibly grateful for my second chance; my "all clear." But, my heart shatters into pieces for those who didn't have the same outcome -those women who had to face the gut wrenching fear, while looking into their children's eyes, or lay awake beside their husband, relieving every moment.
My heart goes out to the ones who picked themselves up and dug deep, during the final innings of play, when it really counted... The ones who found strength, they never knew they had. To the remarkable women, who are fighting this horrendous disease and somehow, find the power to keep being awesome...
You ladies, are warriors...
You ladies, are in my thoughts now more than ever. And I'm praying for you all to have a full recovery and for all your dreams to come true...
So everyone, hug your babies extra tight tonight. Keep them close and love on them, until you can't love anymore. You'll never regret being with them too much and there will never be a part of you that will have resentment for doing so...
Take that trip with your family.
Hop in a car, without a destination.
Take a long weekend.
Have a campfire on a Tuesday night, just because. And let your children eat dinner on the blanket.
Buy that dress, shoes, purse, or whatever it is you fancy.
Don't worry so much about money and status.
Love your husband.
Love your family.
Hug for no reason... And hug for every reason.
Be kind to your neighbors and fellow man/woman.
Be thoughtful and courteous.
Hold the door for that person walking through.
Allow that driver to change lanes or merge.
Smile.
Wave a driver into traffic.
Help carry something for someone.
Talk to a random person in line at the checkout counter.
Be a kind human and live in the now.
Live it all now...
Because now, is all we have.
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