Thursday, April 2, 2020

My fears during COVID-19...

It's been almost three weeks since we isolated ourselves... The first week felt so natural, like it was our calling or something. I wasn't nervous, as I think I felt like the world was overreacting and it would all be over soon.

Even the second week, we 
enjoyed a loose schedule and the outdoor sunshine.

But, entering into our third week felt different. I felt the darkness lingering overhead. I felt a lump in my throat with every news alert that came through my phone. And, I felt defeated with every automatic call from our district.

I originally feared martial law and my husband's hours being cut and wondering how we're going to pay our mortgage, but now, I'm starting to fear the virus.

I'm fearing the uncertainty of it all. How symptoms and age groups seem to keep changing, like the sun rising and setting - It all just solidifies that no one really knows anything concrete and it's all an educated guess at this point.


The peak of the virus seems to keep changing and our "stay at home" orders are moving more than a drunk walking a straight line...

Additionally, I read about a healthy 12 year old girl on a ventilator and I cried. I felt the the stability leave my body and I feared for my children, even more. I fear a simple trip to the grocery store - that I'll bring something back to them - and they'll be that anomaly. 


Which is so strange because, this isn't normally me... I'm the one who thinks most of the media is overreacting and people believe things too easily. 

But, I felt safe in our little rural area. It felt freeing living where we have vast farmland and houses spaced. And, gave me peace and a false sense of hope, that we wouldn't see a case here. However, I recently caught wind of a possible case in our little town... Which made me want to board up the windows and retreat into the bomb shelter, I wish my husband would have built.


I know there are probably dozens of people walking around asymptomatic, that we're unaware of... And, I'm not quite sure why this virus feels so different - I don't know why I feel so consumed with fear and doubt.

But I do.


However, I also keep those fears to myself and plaster a smile on my face for my children... Because, what I want them to remember from all this, is all the fun they had with me - not the horrific pandemic going on in the world around them. I want them to thrive and continue business as usual. I want to continue our walks, our hiking adventures, and our patio campfires. I want them to enjoy our dinners on a blanket in the backyard. I want to bask in our kitchen dance parties and crafting fun and laugh into the night. And, I want to hear them laugh hysterically, as I attempt a flip on our trampoline... Remarkably, I shove my fears down as far as they can go, so I'm fully present with them... 

Family campfires...
 Family snuggles....
 Family walks...

Nevertheless, when the air is quiet, my fears swell... And, I fear for my husband, who has to go to work 7-8 days a week, with severe asthma labeling him as high risk...
I fear what the next few months will look like... If education will be haulted, if schools will remain closed, or i
f schools will even go back in the fall? I wonder if our yearly amusement park trip and our beach vacation will be cancelled. And, if friends and family won't be face to face for months.

I fear for the people who don't have the financial means to stock up, in order to limit their grocery store visits.
 I fear the one time stimulus check won't be enough to carry families past a single month...

I fear what the world will look like over the next few months because, it's going to get bad, before it gets better.


Afterwards, will people realize how much we really don't need in life? 
-Will they understand how important family and friends are? 
-Will they appreciate that money shouldn't be the most important drive in life?

In the depths of this, I never realized how much I enjoyed my simple prior life...

...I miss just walking out of my door and wandering around a grocery store, reading packaging after packaging... I miss the routine of taking my son to school and stopping for coffee afterwards... I miss having the need to get dressed and changed out of my pajamas... Simply, I miss being around strangers in a building and talking to the person behind me in line about the weather.. 


Jammies for daaaaayyss!

I'm not sure what this world is going to look like after all this... I wish I did, because my brain works so much better with the known, versus the unknown... But, I'm so hoping everyone realized who was there for us, when world needed them the most - the grocery store employees, gas station attendants, restaurant workers, healthcare workers, teachers, and so many more... So, when it's all over and we're rushing out the door getting back to our lives, I hope we remember those places and patron them as often as we can...

Because, I want to believe life will eventually go back to normal... That social distancing will not be the new norm... That, we'll be able to hug our parents and grandparents and go to the park and grocery store, without worrying about passing the virus...

Life will resume.

And when it does, we'll all pause for a moment to thank everyone who put their lives on the line to keep us safe, healthy, and fed... And, we'll mourn the ones who were lost - because, we were all in this together...

Furthermore, when that normal does resume, I hope we never forget that we were all in this together...

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*You can catch my daily posts and stories over on my Instagram account -- Click here to follow me <3 

4 comments:

  1. HOW BEAUTIFUL AND AND HONEST THESE WORDS ARE JACKY AND SAID FROM A MOTHER WITH A CARING HEART AND CONCERN FOR HER CHILDREN ,HUSBAND, AND FELLOW MAN THIS GIVES A GREAT PERSPECTIVE OF LIFE NOW NOT THE LIFE WE NEW MAY GOD KEEP BLESSINGS YOUR FAMILY AND KEEP YOU SAFE AND HEALTHY!!! SAL DUPREE

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    1. Thank you so much Sal for your kind words. Stay safe and stay healthy <3

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