My vulnerability during a pandemic...

I keep distracting myself with activities and just being with my children. I feel this urge to keep busy, but I also have this urge to sit and stare out a window... My children and I go for walks in the sunshine and have pretend adventures in our woods... On my face, I'm smiling and laughing. But on the inside, I'm screaming.

In my home, we're just going with the flow. I'm allowing my children to regulate themselves by doing whatever brings them joy. Because, in times like these, that's what we all need.

I'm distracted for the most part, by doing what I love - being with my children... But, as soon as I'm left alone, my mind starts racing - Because the truth is, I'm scared.

I'm scared that my husband is an essential employee and is out everyday. I'm scared that keeping my family safe, isn't in my full control. And, I'm scared that we're not being told everything, in fear that society can't handle it.


...We have been self isolated since March 13, with only my husband going to work...

And, being isolated with my children isn't the problem. I could do this for years... I also stay in touch with friends and family on the phone and video chat. My daughter keeps up with her friends on her phone. And, my son plays his games with the world...

Socially, we're not feeling any weaknesses.

And, except for the minor questions my children ask, they're thinking this is all pretty fun...

It's fun, because as a parent, I've mastered the ability to let them be children and exclude them from the fears that are on my mind...

I can't let them see me sweat.

I keep my children informed, with age appropriate facts. But let's face it, for me, I like to speculate and I have trouble sticking to only facts - my brain loves to run wild with the, "what ifs."

So, when I have down time, I feel my skin crawl with uncertainty. My anxiety revels in the fear it creates and not knowing what lies ahead, fuels the fire within.

I find my eyes well up with tears, each time I read the alerts my phone, telling me who else contracted the virus. I feel it closing in on us and I just want to shut off the world.

Ironically, I'm usually the one who thinks everyone overreacts... And the truth is, before kids, I worked as a behavior therapist during the swine flu pandemic and just wore a mask and gloves (because, I cannot stop touching my face), and went about life as usual. I worked in schools and homes and never batted an eye... But, once you become a parent, you don't feel as invincible, as you once did... That urge to be one of those spring breakers down in Florida saying, "who cares if I catch corona!" doesn't seem as appetizing anymore.

Because, as a parent, you do care.

You don't want to be that one statistic where your child has a reaction that no one else did. You don't want to be that sole death, that hasn't affected anyone else throughout the globe... Why would you want to chance any of it, if you didn't have to?

So, in a time when everything feels so unfamiliar and life is thrown upside down, I'm grateful for my children and their ability to see only the positive. I'm grateful for my husband staying on video calls, well into the middle of the night/morning, to entertain my crazy thoughts. I'm grateful for my friends, who text in our group chat daily, just to stay in touch. And, I'm grateful for family, for staying in touch.

I'm grateful for the time to slow down and pull inward in our lives.

I'm also super grateful for Dish Network, for releasing the Hallmark channel to every package, because that station has pulled me away from the news...

Moreover, I'm grateful to watch humanity come to life. I'm happy to experience the world coming together in a way that hasn't been felt in decades, centuries, or at all. I love how everyone knows we're in this together and it's creates a different environment - a supportive, loving, atmosphere.

I love watching the singing throughout Italy, Facebook porch songs, live zoo feeds, live library story times, putting hearts in your windows so kids can find them on a scavenger hunt (we have one in our window, too), and countless other things...

So, in a time when life feels so out of control, I'm grateful I'm not alone... And, I'm eager to see what this world will look, on the other side...

Furthermore, I hope to god at the end of all this we get to say, "boy we overreacted." <3

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