Tuesday, November 24, 2020

My schooling regret...



I live with a lot of regret when it comes to my children's schooling. I live with my past decisions gripping tightly onto my back, as I try to crawl forward...

Once upon a time, my children loved the idea of school. They would play for hours, using the sweetest voices, as they "taught" their students... They would listen intently to my worldly explanations and they would thumb pages of books so much, most are worn or teared.

As they embarked on the public school journey, I've watched the light fade from them. I've watched my bubbly high energy daughter tuck her personality inside herself. I've watched her love of learning quickly fall away. And, I've watched their play school turn from sweet, to them barking out threats towards their "fake" students.

School had completely changed my children... At the end, they were just a shell of their former self - Visually the same...

Homeschooling isn't a common idea in my town. I always knew I wanted to do it, but the constant negative remarks from outside people, the lack of understanding, and just the brainwashed mentality to follow the system you were once a part of, nudged me into the opposite direction... Eventually (thankfully), circumstances forced my hand and my oldest begun homeschool.

Immediately, my gut wrenched at how quickly we fell onto the pattern - how quickly, my daughter begun to love school again... And, how quickly it felt so natural for me... It tore at my soul, that we didn't do this from the start. 

And, it only took a few short months to see my old children's personalities once again...

I sat with my daughter last night... We talked about life and her everlasting desire to return to high school. And I asked, "why would you ever want to return to school?" She has these images of TV shows that play in her mind, of what she thinks high school will look like... I get it. I grew up with Saved By the Bell and desperately wanted my days to emulate that... But, when she talked about her 5 years of in-person school (k-4), my heart broke. She talked about how the kids always mocked her. She talked about how she ate lunch quietly. She talked about how people thought she was weird and the countless times girls ganged up on her and told others not to go near here... She talked about how she loved dressing up in her JoJo Siwa attire and bows, and even though the kids made fun of her, she still wore it anyway... And, she hopes by high school, the kids would be mature enough to learn how to accept others for who they are. And, staff would allow the kids a little more freedom over their experience and not dictate every move. Because, she wants that TV image of being in the hallway talking to friends, passing notes in class, and eating lunch in the gorgeous brand new cafeteria.

In 2020, I'm still shocked at how schools are run... After being a part of my Instagram community and seeing how homeschool children are raised from day 1 (and seeing my side of public/traditional schooling), I cannot believe there isn't a common ground between the two...

I cannot believe that teachers are with children for 7 hours a day and cannot stop kids from bullying each other. I cannot believe that schools have such control over children's every move - even down to where they sit at lunch, so children like my daughter, who had 1 good friend, she couldn't even sit beside her. Instead, she had to sit at a table with random kids, who used to make fun of what she brought for lunch.

I cannot believe in 2020, parents cannot treat their children with respect, so that they don't go into school and take out their frustrations onto the weaker link.

I just cannot believe how schools aren't an institution that promotes self growth and inspiration, instead of promoting standardized tests and competition among peers. And, what seems to be their life goal, to knock the spark out of children's lives...

Due to life's circumstances, not everyone can homeschool... But, school shouldn't be so drastically different homeschool... It shouldn't produced children who can potentially commit suicide, or have such low self esteem, or think they have to do drugs or alcohol to fit in, or who fixate so desperately on grades...

They should produce kids like homeschool does - children who are accepted, encouraged, supported, respected, and caring of others. Children, who see others from the inside, not what they wear or what click they belong to... Children who are independent thinkers and question life... And, children who can use the bathroom whenever they want... 

School can be so different... But, in order for school to change, we must first change the way we view children. We must understand that children are smart and capable of decision making. And, that they deserve the same respect that teachers expect... Once we view children as people and not little objects that we control - Then, we will truly break ground on making school a better environment.

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