I stood in the doorway as I kissed my daughter goodbye. Parents and children were filing in and out around us. She quickly glanced up at me before scanning the classroom, she looked uneasy. Her little hand was interlocked into mine. I shifted my weight as I released my hand, allowing her the freedom to walk in with her peers.
I realized today was going to be a bit different than the other days. She was very hesitant and clingy. She wasn't as excited to go to preschool, as all the other days. She appeared sad and withdrawn.
I said to her, "it's time to go play and learn with your friends," while her teacher sauntered her way over towards us. In one quick motion, my daughter dove between my legs and began crying.
Reason and logic flew out the window as she pleaded and begged me to take her home.
As any staff member, that isn't the child's parent, would do, they requested that I leave and allow them to take her screaming and crying, because they swore she would eventually stop. With my education background in behavior, my brain immediately began to scan ideas of how to solve this problem following my attachment parenting style. I understood by not making her stay in that classroom, I had the potential to lose any authority ground that I stood on.
But considering how distressed she looked, I was willing to take that chance.
Mother lion instincts prevailed when the teacher attempted to step between me and my crying daughter (while I was in the hallway trying to calm her down). I promptly raised myself from one knee and swept my daughter into my arms and replied to the teacher, "I'm taking her outside, I'll let you know what I decide."
My emotions ping ponged back and forth as I made every attempt to make the best informed decision as a parent. I had staff telling me to just let my daughter go and she'll eventually stop crying, but my heart ached at that idea. She is 4 years old and I have never let her just "cry it out." That isn't the way I parent. My style is to do everything in my power to comfort and console her so she feels as secure as she possibly can. She doesn't need to "get over it." I always feel like the children that eventually stop crying, are like the infants who stop crying at night -they finally give up realizing no one is coming for them. That thought makes my skin crawl. Especially when she really doesn't need to be there. She's a young four and I always have the option to red shirt her if she emotionally isn't up to par.
After a half hour of not being able to reason with her. I decided to take her home and try again the next day. She continued to sob in the car as we drove. I tried to distract her by talking about the beautiful fall leaves, but she wasn't ready. When we arrived at home, it took me about an hour to calm her down. I sat on the edge of her bed and opened a dialogue. To a 4 year old, she was pretty traumatized about something and it was my role as a parent to listen to her feelings and not punish her for her feelings.
A child's feelings are never trivial. They are just as important as any adult's feelings.
I eventually discovered the teacher made her nervous and she was scared to be there by herself. Which from a child who rarely goes anywhere without me, is understandable. So, my thought process was to figure out how to make preschool work, without making her "cry it out."
I brainstormed some ideas with the main person in charge, who was extremely helpful and flexible. She allotted me an incredible amount of freedom to parent my child, my way. We devised a plan that I was to sit out in the hallway during the school hours. If she needed me, I was there for her to hug and reset her emotions. She could do that whenever she felt the need and I could be visible from the desk they seated her in. The purpose of my presence is to help her become comfortable in the classroom again, before I leave her there.
Which so far, has worked.
Over the next two days she prevailed, and she felt the positive accomplishment. She smiled an ear to ear grin as she said how happy she was she made it the whole time.
She yelled, "I did it mommy!" in one of the happiness tones I have ever heard, when the day ended.
I was very proud.
I'm not 100% sure if this gradual separation will work or not. But I'm certain this is the only way I would go about it. Additionally, not only is this solution to a common problem currently working, it's providing my daughter fulfillment that she wouldn't have obtained any other way.
In the end, I hope it works and she goes the required days without mommy. I also hope the gradual separation works because, I would like others to know there is an option for their child. That they don't have to dump the child off and leave. Because realistically, there is other parenting styles. What works for one child, doesn't necessarily work for the other -same as one child isn't like all the others. I will always be more inclined to follow a more nuturing style. As I always say, I will never be a sink or swim parent. I will always find other ways to make things work, because even in adult life, there are other options.
If it doesn't work out, then I will pull her from preschool and re-enroll her in kindergarten next year -at least I know I put in a full effort. A positive part of this age is, a year later can make a world of a difference. If she's not ready, then she's not ready. She doesn't need to be there. I am lucky to be a stay at home mom so I don't have to force her to do something that makes her so uncomfortable. Because let's face it, as adults, we would never put ourselves in any situation that made us so uncomfortable that we break down. If a scenario would ever arise, we would change whatever needed to be, to make it work. So why don't parent's attempt to do the same? Why don't more parents put themselves in their child's shoes? Why aren't they more understanding and sympathetic? Why are children the ones who have to cry it out until they numb themselves to blindly follow anyone's lead?
I don't know about you, but I'll do whatever I can to not be that person. I want to be the parent who relates to their child. Who puts themselves in their shoes and not only sympathizes, but empathizes too. I want my children to be so secure in life, that they have the confidence to take on the world, speak their minds, and love without limits.
Because, how understanding parents are to their children will determine how understanding children are as adults.
Parents. You are their role model.... Monkey See, Monkey Do.
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