Longing for bedtime

Some days it seems to take forever for the vibrant sun to dip below the earths horizon and darken the sky to night. But when the moon finally emerges, that's when the hours quickly pass. My house becomes eerily silent and I find myself watching the minutes tick away on the clock. On harder days, I beg for bedtime. Wishing hours away. But once that time comes, I find myself not knowing what to do with my free time. I clean, fold laundry, put toys away, but that briskly ends when you don't have other people being counterproductive.

I drop back onto an empty couch, where I sit in a semi candle lit room, reeling my head with the days memories.

I wait for the word mommy to be called in unison, and repetitively. I find my body lighter, without someone hanging off of it. My chest empty, from lack of hugs. My ears ringing, from no questions being asked.

Those few hours from their bedtime until mine, is sometimes the loneliest. 

I miss their happy faces. Their excited nature. The fact that they have to tell me everything they're doing. They're thirst for wanting to know more. Their love and affection. Their creative nature. Their funny, silly ways.

They are an extension of me.

On any given day, you can't tell where my body ends and theirs begins.

Love of a family is the greatest accomplishment of all. At this point in my life, I will never be loved so much by someone, ever. I will never be the most important person in their lives, their complete center of attention, and the best person to talk to. Eventually, I will be all those opposites. 

So on those "hard days," I sit at night and think about all those future times when I won't be pulled in every direction and have to provide my all everyday. Those are the times where I sit and stare at my children's monitor, or scroll through dated pictures and wonder where all this time is going. Trying to imagine a time where life will be different and of course, knowing that time will creep up without me realizing. 

Until then, I will push off that time as much as humanely possible and relish in the now. Gathering all the hugs and kisses I can. Being loving and praising, even when I'm gritting my teeth. Being patient, even when I want to run away. Avoiding those "begging for bedtime" days, but most importantly, knowing that when they do happen, my children and I will still love each other more than life itself.