Is Gaslighting, the new norm towards children?

I must say, I'm so proud of my daughter!

As all of you know, my parenting is about autonomy and childhood rights. I focus on child-centered parenting, where we're more of a team. Instead of the typical, us against them, mentality.

At school, during their outdoor recess, my daughter and a bunch of kids were running around playing tag - like kids do. My daughter, in her clumsy fashion, tripped and fell onto her face (by the way, that's inherited from my husband, not me -hahaha). She was bleeding from her mouth and the kids were kind enough to come over, to see how she was. Then, a teacher came over to see what the commotion was all about and immediately told my daughter, she was fine. 

Keep in mind, my daughter was not crying. She didn't even complain about anything -she didn't have a chance, as she was still on the ground. At that point, the teacher basically wanted to break up the commotion and get everyone back to where they were. She obviously didn't want to hear my daughter's thoughts or feelings on what just happened.

My daughter kindly asked to go to the nurse to get cleaned up. But the teacher just kept telling her, she was fine and she didn't need to go to the nurse. Then, guided her to go back and play...

But instead of blindly following, my daughter told her, "I am not fine. I am bleeding and would like to go to the nurse to get checked out." 

*I always tell my children, you can question anyone -even adults- as long as it's done respectfully. Just because someone is older than you, it doesn't mean they're always correct.

To which the teacher finally replied, "fine, just go in."

I always find school very hypocritical in that, they expect the world from the kids. They expect them to blindly follow, sit still, pay attention, raise their hands only when told, go to the bathroom only when allowed, be responsible for their own assignments, know how to put their hair in a ponytail perfectly, etc... But, they're not allowed to be responsible for their own feelings...

I'm passionate about not telling my children how they feel. They're people, with their own thoughts, feelings and opinions. I don't control them. I don't gaslight them, nor dominate them. -If my child gets hurt, I don't tell them they're fine. Instead, I cuddle them and tell them I understand it hurts and mama is here to help make it all better... I think a lot of people get caught up in the thought, that children need to be told they're fine all the time - regardless of how they actually feel. 

Because, I guess, they think children are incapable of understanding how they actually feel...

But what if they're not fine? 

Do we really want to send the message to our children that their feelings aren't justified?

Do we really want to diminish our children's feelings?

Suppressing feelings, will eventually end up making them unsure of when to speak up when bigger problems arise later on. If they're constantly told they're fine, how will they know when they're not fine?

I'm proud of her. 

I'm proud she actually voiced her concern and stood up to someone...

...It's just a shame that the person who was gaslighting her, happened to be a teacher - you know, the people who are supposed to be there to help you...

My little boy, the 6 year old...

When I begun this parenting journey 8 years ago, I didn't know what to expect. I wasn't one of those people who had baby names picked out since I was a child. Or, had my whole life planned out before me... At that point, my husband and I were already together for 7 years and we traveled everywhere at the drop of a dime... 

We were ok with life...

Until one day, we weren't...

And like a light being switched on, we knew it was time for children. And that sudden yearning, initiated.

I never expected motherhood would change me the way that it had. I never expected to be this all natural, borderline crazy, hippie parent - considering, I still eat tasty cakes and pop tarts under a semi lit light, hidden away in a room, like I'm doing something wrong. 

I never expected to be this laid back, child led, parent either - because, I have a type A, control freak, personality.

After time, I found out that I make a much better person as a mother, than I never did, as just a woman.

As a mother, I feel complete. I feel confident and I'm finally comfortable in my own skin.

So, by the time my son was born, on this frigid day, 6 years ago, I passed through all the new mom jitters. I didn't experience the new blunders that we all did with our first (Like, trying to get the baby to sleep in the crib... Come on, who were we kidding?) Instead, I was ready and willing for my love to succumb to this beautiful new human. Without fear attached to it.


It was second nature.

My daughter was colic from the moment she was born. She cried as soon as she was delivered and continued well past 6 months old. She was my first, so I was awkward and helpless. However, when my son was born and placed ever so gently into my arms, he was calm. His serene eyes glanced up at me and he nuzzled his soft cheek into my bare chest. He fit perfectly against my body. He was my son, the remaining missing piece to our little family.

With the memory of him being placed in my arms so vivid, it's hard to imagine that my last child is no longer a baby. When I close my eyes, I could still smell the new baby scent that radiated from his dark colored hair. I could remember how wonderfully he slept from day one and his abnormally large appetite that helped his already big frame grow even larger.

My little boy, such a sweet soft soul, he contains.

But this time, he didn't change my life - Instead, he added to it... 
He completed the final piece of the puzzle, that we didn't even know we were missing.

His wonderful sleeping ability and always pleasant nature was a welcomed change from his colicky older sister.

He's easily content and low maintenance... 
Nuturing and a complete cuddle bug.

He loves Minecraft and Superheroes.

And, he loves to talk... A lot... He loves asking questions and loves to learn something new... And LOVES math...

He loves to dress up in his superhero costumes and is so silly and funny...

He's his own person and we love him even more for that.

Being a mother, allows me the privilege to help guide my children through this chaotic life and help them to find out who they are -the same way they helped me. 

I'm grateful for all my opportunities with them and owe them everything, because they made me such a better person (a tired person, but a better person nonetheless)…

...Motherhood completed me...

Happy 6th birthday, my beautiful boy.

Who am I? Some resolutions...

As the year 2018 comes to a screeching halt, like everyone else, I'm left reflecting...
And a bit scatter-brained, kind of like a computer with several opened tabs, but reflecting nonetheless...

I'm left with a to-do list a mile long -with things I wanted to accomplish that just never manifested... It was either there wasn't enough time, not enough money, and some, just plain laziness.

But all in all, my year was pretty spectacular... It wasn't anything fancy or vibrant, but for me, it was satisfying on my own scale.

*Family vacations, day trips, watching my daughter perform, watching my son step out of his shell, personal fetes, and mainly, everyone being healthy and happy...

As for me personally? 

hmmm... Well, after a lot of self reflection, I find there is some things that I need to work on as I move forward...

I continue to put myself on the back burner, as usual. Something I struggle with a lot as a mom - I have yet to figure out how to balance being a person and a mom at the same time... And, I exhaust all my energy into my children, that my identity has been lost in the mix.

I also wanted to put more time into my blog, but instead, I ended up putting even less time into it this year.

So, if we were to talk resolutions... 

I want to continue to be an active, engaged mom. I wouldn't change anything on that front. But, I'd love to have a little more one on one time with my husband, outside of parenting. I also want to blog more and focus on creating a brand for myself (But, I have stopped typing about 20 times during this post just to answer questions, get drinks, snacks, and listen to my daughter talk about how cool her favorite new song is - so there's that)… 

I also have been considering changing up my blog a bit. See, right now, my writing only communicates one side of me. The serious mom, who is fighting for children's rights and documents events that demonstrate how to handle parenting peacefully... But, there is another side to me - a sarcastic, funny, and sometimes, inappropriate humor type person. I guess you can say, that is who I am, outside of being a mom. 

It's funny because, my parenting style doesn't quite fit into one bracket. In real life, I consider myself a multitude of personas (and sadly, that makes navigating mom groups very difficult). I am a peaceful parent, uschooler, respectful parent, free range, and ironically, a helicopter parent all wrapped up into one. I'm progressive, but still an early 80s child at heart... I kind of pick and choose from each style and combine them to make my own. But, I add a lot of humor and sarcasm -Like, that is the dominate of it all. And, that's the side my children display the most of, too.

So, when I do navigate mom groups, I mostly see parents are all one way, with no exceptions. Their children always seem to be perfect and quiet -and everyone seems to be so serious. Whereas, I have this really neat balance where my children are really great kids, but they're funny. They're loud, talkative, and wild. But, sweet and loving. And, I'm rarely serious... 

So, my thought process was, to continue writing about what I already do. But, focus more on the ability to blend parenting styles. So, you don't have to be an all or nothing type parent. You can totally be a peaceful parent, but be humorous as well. You can be an attachment parent, but dislike cosleeping like it's the early centuries and the plague is on the rise (I hate cosleeping -but my 8 year old daughter still doesn't sleep through the night). You can be an unschooler, but say no to your child. You can be a free range parent, but helicopter the same time.

I want to be less serious, some of the time...

And, labels are sometimes restricting... Also, they seem to continuously validate or score you as a parent -and who needs that constant hassle?

Being a parent, is just simply putting your children's needs ahead of your own, it doesn't mean you have to like it, you just got to do it - because, it's only for such a short time and sooner than you know it, it'll all be over with. And then, you can be whoever the heck you want to be after that...

In the 5 years of blogging, I bet my readers never knew any of that. I did try to do a mid week humor, but writing jokes without being able to physically animate them, is a lot harder than you'd think. Because, the true essence of me, is borderline obnoxious... As my friends say (and the people who were backstage with me at theatre), I learned how to whisper in an airport hanger with people using chainsaws...

So, I'm thinking, I might start doing a video mid week humor... That's an idea I've been toying around with -I do already post a lot of videos on my Instagram account, so check them out (the_happy_days).

I haven't figured it all out yet and I'd love some feedback...


But one thing for sure is, I do want to start doing more for me and create a space in which I feel accomplished outside of just being a mom -Although, just saying that out loud, sounds really scary... However, I do have to say, it will be hard to top, because being a mom has given me such a sense of accomplishment and confidence in my life.

It brought me to where I am today...

On the other hand, change is good... And growing is even better...

But, balance is the best of all.

And having balance, will be my new mantra of 2019...

I look forward to seeing what the new year will bring...

And, I'm looking forward to hearing your thoughts as well...


**Here's a look back on some moments throughout our year -

Happy New Year!

Mid Week Humor: Sicknesses...

I feel like I missed a major component about having school age children in the home... Somewhere along the line, I didn't realize their impressive ability to just keep passing sicknesses back and forth among the entire household, every week, and apparently, for the entire year... 
Where was that, in the 'What to Expect' series???

The Happy Days Blog

Why does it seem like schools have more rights, than the parents have?

Disclaimer: This might sound a little ranty, so I apologize for this unusual style up front. But today really got me thinking...

Today, my son woke up with a stuffy nose and a sore throat, like hundreds of other children in schools all across the country... But, thankfully, our kindergarten is only 2.5 hours long, so I sent him in -due to no other major symptoms.

We stood out in front of the same glass doors that I've faced countless times before. The 15 degree temperatures pressed firmly against our skins, as we shivered under the scattered clouded sky... My daughter was bouncing around, talking with her friends, while my son tightly clung to me... He kept saying he didn't feel well, but I reassured him that it was only 2.5 hrs of school and a stuffy nose isn't something major -and he'll probably continue to have it for another week.

Then, when the teacher unlocked the doors, he broke down crying, begging me to take him home.

He just wanted to snuggle up and stay close to me because, he didn't feel well - a perfectly reasonable explanation for a 5 year old child.

But at this point, the principal and guidance counselor were involved, trying to get him to come inside.
*Too many cooks in the kitchen.

The principle even stated, "you can't stay home with only a stuffy nose." And I was told, I had to take him in to see the school nurse, to prove his sickness.

This is where the story turns...

Our state passed a law that you're only allowed 10 EXCUSED days, then the proceeding days MUST have a doctor's excuse, or they will start the truancy court process (yes, our state has their own truancy court). 

10 days, out of 180 school days...

Let that sink in.

...Even though adults get a minimum of 2 weeks vacation, plus personal days and sick days...

*This whole thing started because of this law. If our Governor didn't pass it, I wouldn't have questioned my instinct from the start and I would have trusted his ability to exam himself and kept him home. I understand the logic behind the passing of this law, because of the parents who do not send their kids to school or who take them in late all the time. But, the new law isn't going to stop them. Instead, it's only going to affect the parents like me, who want to follow the rules, but do right by their children at the same time. And in turn, this law is creating parents who send their kids to school, when they should be home resting. Or, parents who send their children back to school quicker than they should and in turn, are spreading more diseases.

So, this is what gets me heated... This is MY child, why do I need prove anything? 

Aren't I the parent?

Look, my children are just starting off in school, so I blame all the parents the prior years ahead of me, who allowed this to happen.

The parents who allowed the state to dictate your rights to your own child(ren).

Stand up for our families!
Stand up for our rights as parents!
And, stand up for our children's rights as people!

Even if my son wasn't sick and just wanted to take the day off to relax, he should be able to, without me having to prove anything...

Adults do it all the time at work.

It's a sad reality in this country that we don't have much rights to our own children, until they're adults - that includes medical too.

And if you don't see it, you're not looking clear enough. 

Districts feel, as soon as the children pass that threshold, they're now state property. And teachers think they are allowed to treat the students how they want -Instilling their beliefs, their morals, and their punishments... The school believes they are allowed to tell your children when they're allowed to go to the bathroom, when they're allowed to speak, and when they're allowed to eat.

But it doesn't work that way....

*I realize it completely does work that way in schools... But it shouldn't. 

And parents allowed it to happen...

Adults are just conditioned to separate from their children and place them in the care of strangers. Parents trust these people as extensions of their families... That has become the norm. And anyone who differs from that norm, they're the strange ones - or the ones who need to change.

But contrary to popular belief, there was once a time when a mother stayed home, looked after her children, and those children were overly attached to their families. They didn't separate easily and they hid behind their parents, when strangers talked to them.

This was once the norm.

Now, infants as young as six weeks, are off to daycare, spending the majority of their time around a bunch of strangers. And when they get sick, they're forced to deal with the uncomfortable feelings around people other than their parents, because understandably, guardians can't just leave work for every little sniffle...

So, by the time school starts, these children are conditioned. They're robotic, because they understand the system...

But, my children do not. My children aren't around anyone other than me. They don't do sleepovers, spend weekends away with a family member, or even a few hours with someone else.

I'm their constant.
Their rock.
Their home base, to feel safe and secure.

And somewhere along the way, that has become a bad thing... It became a hassle to have a child not conform and not blindly trust a stranger.

The way the staff acted today, was not out of concern, but merely with little patience. Almost like, they were shocked that when they snapped their fingers, my child didn't get hypnotized and jump right up and follow them inside - (imagine pavlov's theory).

However, he clung to me, instead of them...

So, after 20 minutes in the nurse's office, I took him home. 

He was still crying...

It was that moment, which separates me from the majority of other parents.

Most parents would have left him there, crying, because they would think that by taking him home, they would create a pattern.

But with me, I took him home because I wanted to show him that mommy will always be there for him -to listen to him, to understand him, and trust him. I wanted to validate him as a person and show him that he has rights to his own life and body.

That nobody owns him.

And, if he was having an "off" day and just didn't feel well, that is perfectly fine. We all do... And not feeling well is different for everyone and should be the parent's judgement call -not the state's.

So, he'll go tomorrow and I'll join him and his class with making gingerbread houses for their craft.

And, he'll get his do-over. 

Or, if not, and this was the early onset of a virus, then I'll trust in him to determine that, not the school... 

Fall is a bust, leaving our unfulfilled ideas trailing in the dust...

It's already early November... 

There was so much more I wanted to do before the winter season approaches. Fall is the time in our lives where the brush from our woods have fallen down and clears a natural path for us to explore. The trees become barren and allow for more view and makes the forest less scary for my children.

I wanted to spend our free time, sitting on fallen logs and talking about our surroundings. I wanted to make maps and see where they lead us. 

Collect acorns and dried leaves...

Have a fire on our patio and eat marshmallow smores for dinner...
I wanted so much more.
But here we are, with our Fall having more rain than not. And we haven't had 3 consecutive sun shining days since 4th of July weekend.

This season is a bust... 

And, Summer was a bust.

Our cold weather has quickly approached us, leaving the unfulfilled ideas trailing in the dust.
Instead, we're left planning for sleigh riding and snow fort building, but it feels wrong - like we completely skipped over one of our favorite seasons...

This is our Halloween...

After the half day of school concluded, the minutes seemed to trickle by... The momentum of being excited quickly fizzled out and we were left lounging on the couch, under the blankets, watching some Thundermans Halloween specials to pass the time.

When 5:00 pm neared, both children were already donned head to toe in their costumes - I've never seen them get dressed that fast, nor that efficient, without my help - it's funny how that works, isn't it?.

We geared up and headed to our local hotspot, with a big group of my daughter's friends.

And they spent the next 2.5 hours running from house to house...

When I think of Halloween, this is what I imagine... A group of kids, all running in the same general direction and each one trying to be the first to knock on the door.

There's a lot of, "wait up!" being yelled.
Children running back towards their parents screaming, "They gave king sized chocolate!"
And, a few regrouping being done by the parents - followed by a lot of head counts (or maybe that's just me, the crazy helicopter parent).

I love watching their excitement of seeing the decorated homes and that nostalgic feeling of being leary when bushes surround a door, in fear someone will jump out. Then, when it does happen, hearing the explanations on how they weren't really scared. Or, from the ones who admitted it and owned it.

I love hearing them be brave, be scared, be thoughtful and respectful.

I love watching them be courteous of their friends and making sure that everyone stuck together... I love how one girl made sure my son had a hand to hold the entire night.

I love hearing them tell jokes, sing silly songs, or even sing a verse from their upcoming musical...

And, I love how they talk all spooky, when they hit a dark-out part with no lit houses. But then, run really fast past it, shrieking and holding hands...

This is Halloween...

This is, our Halloween.

Being adventurous.

Halloween is not about walking around a parking lot, waiting in lines with a few hundred people, begging for candy out of people's trunks - like you're doing an illegal exchange.

That will never be Halloween for me, or for us.

The old fashioned way, will always be ours...

Because, these memories are just too good, to stop creating.