Hating cosleep, but loving it at the same time...

The hours seemed to pass at an alarming rate -basically, just your typical weekday... The outside was darkening like lights being put on a dimmer and the air suddenly shifted from spring-like temperatures to winter, all within 5 hours... 

I always feel like I'm rushing through the moments to access every faucet that needs to be achieved, in a very short window. And those hours from, coming home from school to bed time, disappear faster than cupcakes do from my home...

Baths were had, homework was completed, and stories were read.

I sat on the edge of each of my children's bed, holding their hands and stroking their heads until they fell asleep.

I quietly left their rooms, like I was maneuvering myself through a bank vault with red laser security beams covering the floor beneath my feet.
(My old 1930s hardwood floors aren't forgiving with sound - and of course, EVERYTHING sounds louder at night).

I grabbed my cup of sleeptime tea off the counter and nestled next to my husband on the couch - very excited to begin this week's episode of, Manifest. 

*Since becoming a mother, TV shows have become the new, "bar night," to me.

About 20 minutes into the show, I hear giggling... I paused the TV two times to listen carefully. But both times, the air was quiet. Then, the same thing happened again - To prove I wasn't going crazy and hearing phantom sounds of children giggling (because come on, is there really anything scarier at night?), I got up to make my rounds around our home.

My son wasn't in his room, so I quickly ventured down to my daughter's room... Outside her door, I stood motionless, listening to both of my children giggling, while playing Roblox on their kindles.

I'm not strict about much, but I am strict about bedtimes during the school year. Because, sleep helps with everything from stress, moodiness, and preventing illnesses... So naturally, my first thought was to bust through the door and break up their party. But, the longer I stood out there, I realized how hard it must be for a child during the school week. How, for 6.5 hours, they are in a controlled environment with 100% structure - only to come home at 4:00 pm, do homework, eat dinner, get baths, and get ready for bed. And, redo the whole thing over again the next day...

There is very little time for them to just, be.

Very little time for them to play a video game or to read a book for pleasure, instead of turning it into a comprehensive task for A.R. There's little time for my daughter to write her stories or even practice her vocal songs. Or, my son to write his beloved comic books... And, very little time for my son and daughter to just play the two of them, like they've had for so many years prior.

Also, our weekends are filled with theatre rehearsals and out-of-state day trips to vocal lessons...

It seems we've reached a point in our lives where just sitting, is being taken for granted.

So, before I opened the door, I let all the memories flood into me. I held onto them for the moment, with my body stiff and fists clenched, like my life depended on it... I used them as a reminder, that things around here are changing. That, the days no longer belong to us, the way they used to. That, my children are aging and coming into their own and their interests are evolving. And simply, my daughter is getting older and wants to become a professional singer and performer, and we're taking the steps to get her to where she needs to be.

And, as much as her passion and dedication is there, she still needs balance of work and play...

So, I quietly walked away from her door... I let them be.

And, I sat down next to my husband, while we continued to watch, Manifest and The Kids Are Alright, until we were tired.

Their giggling increased, as the night progressed. And, I'd hear them occasionally run out of her room to check and see if we knew they were there. I think even they were surprised I was letting them stay awake later on a school night. But, not to press their luck, they fled back into her bedroom, just in case...

Their antics reminded me of when they were younger... what seems like a lifetime ago now...

When 10:00 pm rolled around, I finally knocked on her door and called it a night... But, at this point, I saved them the trouble of waking up later and sauntering into my bed.

Instead, we all went upstairs together. 

And, the four of us squeezed into my king size bed. A bed that once felt so big, it used to scare me when they were little. Now, I feel like I need to be bungeed to the side of the wall because, I teeter on the edge.

And that's where the night concluded...

With the four of us now giggling about how much smaller the king size bed seems to feel now, as opposed to even a year ago. How my son kept pushing my husband away and complaining that he was too close to him. And about how they kept rotating because, both wanted to be next to my husband and I, at the same time... But, as their tiredness grew, they eventually didn't want to be next to each other anymore. 

And, I laid in the silence... 

...Looking at these two big kids...

Grateful they had more hours to be kids, without the confinement of organized structure...

Because, so much seems to be changing, but yet, so much still remains the same...
And for one, I still hate cosleeping, but love it at the same time.