Sunday, September 25, 2016

The cruel world of a first grade bully...

Our days have changed so much since my daughter began first grade. The carefree little girl that used to posses her shining spirit, is slowly being replaced by a self doubting school age child. Her confidence is being tested daily, while she spreads her wings and flies from the safety and security of her nest. Her original bubbly personality usually floated through the day, being happy with the world around her. But unexpectedly, she started internalizing her days. 

She would wear anything I laid out the night before, but suddenly, she is second guessing her outfits in wonder what others will think. 

She's changing and growing, while trying to find a way to fit into this new environment around her. She's quickly being exposed to situations which are very foreign to her. 

I'm starting to hear phrases like, "because others are doing it," on a consistent basis. And, she's using new words and slang. And suddenly, she wants to trade in her homemade bento style lunches for cafeteria food because, she's the only one who brings their lunch at her table. 

However, our daily inflictions always have been moderated by our nightly snuggles, story time, and before bed conversations. It's in these moments that I still see that little girl that graced my life all the years prior. I feel like, in this moment, we can conquer anything. We lay side by side in her bed, under the glow from her Himalayan salt lamp, laughing, acting silly, and talking about her school days.

She tells me what she learns, what she likes, what she dislikes, and all her aspirations. *Her dislikes are still being away from her brother and I for 6.5 hrs daily and her highest level of likes are music, art, and learning.

But under that shimmering night time glow, is when I started noticing changes with her typical smiley self. She begun clinging for hugs a little longer and tears would erupt when I told her, it was time for bed... 

And after prying, she finally indulged that she is being mocked by another first grader at school for bringing in a homemade lunch... And that she now hated going to lunch and sitting by this girl.

...She cried...

I collected my thoughts before I answered. Then, I felt the words reach my lips, but I couldn't seem to speak them. I wanted to articulate my words correctly and efficiently. I wanted them to be first grade appropriate because, I remember being bullied in elementary school for being "different" than everyone else. And I didn't want my resentment or retaliation from my past conquest be my words of motivation. But before I could talk, she continued by saying, "I told the girl that her words hurt my feelings and I would appreciate it if she stopped." But, the girl laughed at her. 

So here I sat, during our rhythmic happy night time routine, holding my crying newly 6 year old child tightly in my arms. A child who never experienced anything like this and didn't understand why anyone would be so mean over something so small. Or why someone would care so much about her lunch. 

I interrupted by saying how proud I was of her for using her words to express how she felt. I didn't focus on the girl's negative response, but only how strong she was for her action. 

I asked her if she liked her lunch... And she does. She loves them, because each day, I write a hand written note with an inspirational message or a daily joke or riddle. 

But, I was repeatedly told if I did pack a lunch, it couldn't contain a sandwich with the crust cut off (because apparently, that makes her a baby) or goldfish crackers. My daughter said the girl promised she wouldn't make fun of her as long as she didn't pack these items... 

I took a deep breath, trying to filter my thoughts once again and arrange them in a fashion that she would understand. Then, I explained how the world worked.

In first grade language.

I explained that most people bully because they are being bullied at home or by someone. Or they are witnessing someone else being treated as such. And that this little girl is either experiencing these situations, or simply, she is jealous that her mom isn't giving her a homemade lunch too. But with either circumstance, she won't stop mocking just because my daughter obliges to her wishes. In fact, as soon as my daughter does oblige, this girl will just move onto something else that she dislikes about my daughter. 

Nonetheless, my sheltered child has retreated into herself and like the majority of school age children, she just wants to fit in and be liked by all. A skill that is quickly nullifed once you reach adulthood.

But my heart breaks...

I know it's a simple fix to call the school and have her table changed in the cafeteria, but that won't build her confidence in standing up for her own self worth. Plus, she likes the 4 other students at her table of 6. So, I continued to reiterate the peaceful aspect of using her words to express her feelings and to mind her peaceful tone at all times. Because, she needs to hold her ground and be confident in her decisions. I also told her to avoid conflict and stooping down to her level, as most bullies feed from negativity and it'll only entice the situation. 

And, the asshole adult in me, told her to bring 3 sandwiches with all the crust cut off and eat them slowly in front of her. 

Because, who the hell cares what you bring for lunch anyways.

And, I don't think she understands how irrelevant the 30 minutes of her food choices are, as opposed to the entire day.

And, she loves the entire day of school...

And this child isn't even in her class.

But unfortunately, knowing your self worth and ability to weed out the relevant versus irrelevant is something you acquire as you age. And for now, all I can do is coach her through this process and double up on the amount of Beverly Goldberg love and support in her home life. Keep reassuring her confidence and her righteous actions. And continue the ill-fated dialogue of how some people are in this world. But most importantly, that shouldn't ever overshadow her kindness, understanding, and thoughtfulness for other peers. Because, the majority are lovely people. And those majority, want to get to know my daughter and are kind to her. And those are the people she should immerse herself with. 

And hopefully this experience will open her eyes that not everyone is kind. Although, it's a sad lesson to learn within the first few weeks of first grade. But once she leaps this hurdle, the next time she encounters a similar situation, it won't be so earth shattering.

And unfortunately, she will encounter this situation again...

** This conversation just happened this weekend. Tonight, she went to sleep happier than she did over the past several days. And, I will make her lunch tomorrow, but I will not provide those food items. The reason is, because I want her to absorb the information that was provided and maybe start a friendly dialogue with the girl tomorrow (without the "baby" food items present). Then, when she comes home, her and I will talk about the lunch experience and I'll then weave those food items in as the week progresses. I may even let her buy a lunch one day. All this, to slowly build her confidence in dealing with this foreign experience, not giving in. And, I'll keep everyone posted as we progress :)

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