As the surrounding districts are finalizing their last days of school, we still have another three full weeks left -thanks to the courtesy of our teacher's strike that occurred mid year <insert sarcasm>
And this year cannot end quick enough...
It's almost like we're sitting through a horrible movie and desperately watching the clock slowly tick by. Or, strangely enough, it's just like being in school.
This year will conclude my daughter's first year of full day school. And between the 5 week strike, 2 different weeks of being sick, and a 7 day Florida trip in between, it's been too inconsistent and has caused tremendous backlash.
From day one of preschool, I have watched my tearful daughter slowly saunter away from me. Sometimes hesitantly, and other times, forcefully. And as time went on, I always assumed school would become easier. I assumed once we developed a steady pattern and friendships grew, walking through the doors would become routine.
But in fact, it's just gotten harder...
School for my daughter isn't drawn out like the TV shows portray. It's actually the opposite. So far, she's been teased at lunch for her food choices, called a baby on many occasions, left alone at recess, mocked, and harassed by a boy daily, to the point where she's been knocked down outside by him and his friends. -And, we live in a very wealthy, nationally ranked, district too.
As those of you who follow my blog, you know my children are very different from the majority. As I am, a very different parent. (Peaceful parenting hasn't yet become mainstream). My children are not controlled by me or told how to think. I allow them to challenge me and question me, in order for them to learn how to independently think. I parent out of love, not dominance. They don't watch certain TV shows or movies that other kids their age watch. And I never have adult conversations around them or talk to them as if they were old enough for adult content. My goal of life is for them to have the longest childhood possible --And I baby them. A lot.
So, as I released my very sheltered daughter out into this other world, she is slowly adapting -like, sloth speed.
And unfortunately, her inherently social awkwardness from her father, penetrates the vast majority of her day. She has this righteous personality and tries her hardest to make sure everything and everyone are always equal. She is the first to state when someone isn't following the rules and won't hesitate to correct them. She also is the first to point out when bullying is occurring and stands up for the underdog by telling a teacher. And sadly, she believes everyone is her friend and gives her all to be part of a group of kids. -- And as you can guess, these traits don't mesh well with first graders.
But as time is passing, I'm not sure that I want her to adapt this young. I'm not sure I want her to fully realize how cruel and heartless people are, at only 6 years old. Especially when, her brain isn't even mature enough to understand it all. And I find it sad that at only first grade, she already has to learn to toughen up and abandon all her preexisting emotions to fit in. I dislike that she already has to learn that not everyone is on her side and not everyone wants to see her succeed. (She lives in a home where her parents envelope themselves in her life. And has a mother who would stop time, just to hear her out and patiently try to understand her. And she's finding out, that other people, including adults, won't give her that time and consideration).
And now, when my home is quiet at night, I find myself thinking back to this child who was once always happy. Who didn't second guess anything about herself. Who was as confident, as I am eating cupcakes.
To a different child...
A child who is sad the night before school begins and holds onto bedtime snuggles about 2 hours longer than she should. A child who cries in front of the double doors almost every day and begs me to keep her home. A child who sometimes comes home and secludes herself off in the playroom and doesn't like talking about her day.
But that original child is still there. I see her on the weekends or over long breaks. I see her bubbly old self shine through and wake up happy and ready to talk my ear off about something funny she just remembered. Or, when we dance around our kitchen to the Trolls soundtrack and she thinks her moves are fabulous.
As an innate problem solver and a mom, I want those days to dominate. I want to figure out how to give her the best of both worlds...
I've always dreamed of homeschooling my children. I love the concept of unschooling and learning on their pace, and not being tied down to so much structure and repetition. I also enjoy the idea of sheltering my children from things they don't need to experience, until they are old enough to process what they're living. But sadly enough, she enjoys aspects of school. She enjoys learning from a teacher and loves the structure of rules. She enjoys talking to her few friends at lunch about her softball games or what happened on The Thundermans.
I'm not sure what the answer is, but right now, I'm just following her lead. And counting down the hours until school is over... However, what I do know is, when she steps into my car after school, she gets the longest, biggest, hug ever. And she gets 'me and her' time when she comes home and she's told how wonderful she is, about a million times a day. (And, we dream of summer break and all the fun we'll have being with each other, without the constraints of school and the regimented program).
Because, I can't always be with her when she's older. So I have to build her up now and be the positive voice in her ear, when kids are being mean to her. And when life throws curve balls, I want her to face them and deflect them with the confidence of a lion, while holding onto her principles and morals. And even though she's not there yet, eventually, she will be. But until then, I'll be there as her guard, deflecting whatever is thrown at her... Because even as she ages, she'll never stop being my child and needing my help, and I'll never stop wanting to help her either...
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