A girl and her security...

It was almost mid 40s degrees and the outside was stricken with rain. The air was damp and somber, and chilly to the touch. That day, was the second day my daughter was back at school, after being off for 6 straight days... 

We stood outside the clear pane double doors, as she clung to my leg, for what seemed like eternity... Mist from the rain sprayed onto our uncovered faces, as I started my typical motivational speaker speech. I had my sick son in my arms, a swollen face from having my wisdom tooth extracted the day before, and I haven't slept since god knows when... 

She had tears in her eyes, as she pleaded to stay with me, just a little bit longer. And, I wanted so desperately to pick her up with my available arm and walk her back to the our car and go home, like I've wanted to do every time, since preschool. However, I knew, that wouldn't be the best response for her. Because, this little girl loves school. She adores it and does very well with her grades and has an awesomely caring teacher... It's just that, every morning, she has this internal battle with herself and struggles leaving the security of the known, to be thrust into the unknown... I know that battle, because I struggled with it daily as a child too. 

I knelt down on the floor beside her, hugging her tight, and talked with her, letting her know just how much I love her and how much fun she would have at school -- and how these days at home, are beyond boring, with my son still sick and me in pain... I wiped a tear from her sad eyes and she crinkled her nose up at me, letting me know, that I was right... 

We smiled at each other and cracked a joke or two and I said something off topic, which distracted her enough to see the children filing through the doors next to us. 

A friend of hers stopped by us and held out her hand towards my daughter, she reached for it, but pulled back quickly to give me one last hug, kiss, and our secret handshake, then slowly released. And smiled back at me, as they walked down the hall... 

Between the missed days from the teachers strike, missed snow days, and her missed sick days, she has been inconsistently in and out of school since the beginning of the year... As a whole, we haven't even reached our 100th day of school yet... So for my daughter, this in and out of school business has been really hard on her. It makes leaving home, feel like it's the first time, over and over again...

So as I watched them walk down the hall, further away from me, the feeling of being proud for her and never getting used to that sight both flooded over me. I know leaving her mama and her comfort routine is really difficult for her, and most children her age, but on the other side, I know this hesitation with leaving me, is only temporary. And very soon, she'll expect me to barely stop the car, as she dives out onto the pavement, to run in though the doors with her friends. 

And I really don't know if there will be a time when I'm 100% comfortable with her moving on.

And really, what mother is?

But the one thing I do I know, is when she decides she's ready, all that security she's been clinging onto, will eventually be the blanket she needs, to independently walk one remarkable path.