I was young, very young, and he was young, still older than me, but younger nonetheless. I was newly 21 years when this handsome, arrogant man stood before me. He was so sure of himself, confident with his words, and steadfast. He was like no one I've ever met.
Our first meeting was brief, but he left such an impression on me, that I was the one who seeked him out afterwards. I was still in college and it was field hockey season, so I was pretty busy with school, late practices, and games that consumed hours out of my day. He was already out of college and working swing shift hours, which made meeting up a fete. But after living the first couple of weeks on the phone and random quick encounters, we went on our first date. I'm not a fancy person and thankfully, neither was he. We went to local restaurant after one of my late games and ate a nacho supreme and drank soda. We talked about 1980's WWF (world wrestling federation) and 60's and 70's music. I laughed more than I had in ages and I felt like I've known him my entire life. Being with him was as natural as breathing. And here comes the cliche, when he dropped me off that night, I knew that one day, I was going to marry him.
We stood outside his car in my parent's driveway until 2 am, talking about our plans for the future. He told me how much he loved traveling and how he would love for me to join him on these adventures. At the time, I thought he was feeding me some cheesey line, but it turned out, he fulfilled all his aspirations.
From that moment in my parent's driveway, our relationship progressed without a hiccup. We took every opportunity to spend time with each other and I sometimes even stayed awake until he ended work at 4 am. At the time, I was only senior in college and I still had a 5th year left for my Master degree and after the fall semester, I was done with field hockey. My time was finally freed up. I had summers off, fall breaks, end of semesters, and spring breaks to travel with him. And that was exactly what we did.
We aged, developed, and grew smoothly together over the years...
It wasn't until our first child, our daughter, was born 7 years later that things got rocky. My pregnancy went smoothly and we were just like all the first time expectant parents. We talked nightly about how excited we were and fantasied about what life was going to be like. We were in sync with all our thoughts and views on parenting and couldn't wait to raise this perfect baby together as a family.
But when my daughter was born, she wasn't the average child. She was severely colic and cried nonstop -hours on end. And never slept. I spent my hours trying to be the best mom for her, that I had nothing left for he and I. I was stressed, he was stressed, and we pulled apart fast.
But when my daughter was born, she wasn't the average child. She was severely colic and cried nonstop -hours on end. And never slept. I spent my hours trying to be the best mom for her, that I had nothing left for he and I. I was stressed, he was stressed, and we pulled apart fast.
Life changed. We didn't talk much anymore. I was a nervous first time parent that had a child who wasn't anything like the children in the What to Expect book. I felt like a failure and I was overwhelmed. He took all the overtime shifts he could and stayed hunkered down in his living room. We handled the situation completely different. It wasn't until after her first birthday that things leveled out, but by that time, I was a different person. I changed from being a "by the book" mom, to a full blown attachment parent. Whereas, my husband still parented without a connection.
When my son was born, my husband and I were in a routine of life. We never fought, that wasn't us. We just kept our distance from each other. We talked as we passed each other in the hallway and at the dinner table, but we lost touch with our relationship. I would snip at the way he parented and his lack of interest with us and he would crawl further into his shell.
Each year that passed, we had great days, weeks, and months, but with every step forward, we took 5 steps backwards. However, something changed this past year. I guess it was somewhere between reevaluating my life and my decisions, that I realized all the potential left for us. I realized I was selling my husband short on a lot of things. I never gave him a chance to build his confidence with parenting. And I still loved/love this man just like the first day I met him.
Previously, I was too bitter to think clearly because, I don't think either of us were prepared for how much our lives would change. But as my children age and grow, I find myself being more content. I find myself being more understanding with my husband. Motherhood came very easily to me, however, it was finding my way through my marriage that became harder. I would become upset because at the time, it felt like he wasn't as involved as me. And truth is, he may not be in the trenches like I am, but instead, his contributions are different. He goes out to work everyday and brings home a paycheck so I could be home with our children. He cuts the grass, takes out the garbage, and even cleans the kitchen after we eat. Somethings that I never gave him credit for.
Our parenting is just so different that I spent my time trying to make him parent just like me, instead of appreciating what he has to offer as an individual. Our children don't need two exact parents. They need diversity. And he might not be a hands on dad with the day to day tasks, but he has and always will be there for the children when they need him.
When I learned to trust in him and let him be the "other parent," it broke down the wall that was put up between us. We laugh again, we talk again, and we want to spend time with each other again. And, I'd like to think that our disinterest in each other over the years was hidden among the children, because we always put on a smile and did things as a family anyways. But, I like that they get to see daddy hug mommy more, or see daddy make mommy smile spontaneously. Because, they will learn what a relationship looks like from watching us and I want them to know that mommy and daddy will always love each other no matter what.
Throughout these past 13 years, I discovered that you never stop growing and evolving. And you should never let your relationship take a backseat to life. There will always be good times and bad times, but it's how you prevail in the end that matters most. When my husband and I took our vows 7 years ago, we meant, "for better or for worse." We are both fighters and are up for any type of challenge. And I'm sure we'll never be completely out of the woods with challenges in our relationship because, no one ever is. But, as long as we take every situation as a lesson and learn to develop and grow from it, I'm sure we'll make every anniversary, "until death do us part..."
** As always, thank you so much for your continued support. I appreciate each and every one of your comments and engaging conversations. Also, know that I post photos almost daily on Instagram, with a short story. You could follow any of my social media sites by going to my webpage and clicking the appropriate one in the right side column. **
No comments:
Post a Comment