We have been hearing these songs for weeks now and even my son knows most of them by heart. Last night, I felt like it was the first day of school all over again. I sat bedside, stroking her hair, as she asked me what to expect from the show. She asked questions like, would there be a lot of people? Or, what happens if she cried? I answered her various questions the best way I knew how and told her that even if she cried, I would be so proud of all the hard work she put into the show and nothing would disappoint me.
All her family was there waiting, as she walked in the single file line with her classmates into the stuffy gym. Her daddy, brother, myself, my parents (nana and poppy) and my husband's dad and step mother (grandma and grandpa) were all in the front row cheering her on. I sat, almost direct center, with my video camera in hand, as she profusely waved to us. She sung and performed her heart out, without a single tear to be present. I, however, had a few tears when I saw how much she was enjoying herself. She did also occasionally yell out to her brother and wave to us during the show, and I must say, that was the part I loved most.
She closed out the program by saying her name loudly through the microphone and that she liked school and American Ninja Warrior, which one day, I hope plays on her audition tape when she applies to the show.
Upon conclusion, she leaped into my arms and proclaimed her happiness for participating. I hugged her long, dangling body as I kissed her rosy cheeks. The program was over and with it, a piece of my heart. I breathed in the moment... Another milestone has been completed and another chapter ended.
It's hard to imagine kindergarten coming to an end. I feel as if it just begun. I remember her first day jitters and me snuggled up beside her the night before. She wanted me to tell her all about kindergarten and what would her days be like. She had her favorite outfit picked out and already posed in it a few dozen times. She packed and repacked her book bag, making sure everything was just right.
These days passed without warning. Our drop off and pick ups were just a blur of repetitive motions, filled with lots of hugs and kisses. Although, it seemed she never really was ok with being away, but handled it with such grace. Some days, she would hold onto our hug a little longer and walk towards the door with tears in her eyes. And, I would hang back in the parking lot just in case she needed me, with my heart in my hand, shattered into a million pieces. But by the time pick up happened, her face was covered in smiles and she was so eager to tell me about all the fun she had. Then, as I buckled her into her car seat, with her bombarding my ear with story after story, I was able to gently fix all my shattered pieces...
With just 7 more weeks remaining, I see the wear of the school year on her folder and backpack. Her lunch box has been permanently dyed from various fruits that she left the lids off of. Her Frozen folder has been thickly taped around the edges to keep from fraying. But she never wanted a new one because it was her favorite. The wear on her school materials mimics the wear on my soul. Watching and seeing her go through so many emotions, good and bad, ages me more than time can ever do.
This year was not only an emotional roller coaster with milestones and separations, but also included such growth and maturity. I love seeing how proud she is now that she can read almost everything that her eyes can see. Learning to read has opened a completely new chapter in her life and has transformed the way she previously knew how to play. Play now consists of sitting on her bedroom floor and reading various books to her "pretend" students and leaving me love notes beside my pillow. When I watch all this unfold, I no longer see a baby or toddler, but instead, a little girl with enough sass and courage to take on the world. However underneath, I still see a little girl who will always need her momma, even when she tells me to stop giving her kisses so she could walk inside with her friends.
So much change in such a short time.
But I'm assuming this is what every adult who has raised children is talking about when they say, "enjoy these years because they'll be over in the blink of an eye"... They're talking about these chaotic years, the years where you don't even know what day of the week it is and the years where you spend more time doubting yourself than you ever have. These years, that pass at an alarming rate. These are the years that provide the most change in such a short time frame.
So many milestones are shoved into the first 0-6 years and it's no wonder parents are so emotional with either trying to hold onto moments or wishing them away...
But as long as change is happening, it means we're all evolving and moving forward. And as parents, that is what we want for our children. We want them to take the positive messages from school and be strong enough prevail over the daily blunders... When they grow in that direction, it then becomes a little easier for us to slowly release the rope that is tightly wound around and linking our hearts and provide them with more freedom... And that is something to celebrate.
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